Lottery Winners Prove Bourgeoisation Of Britain Project A Success

The reprogramming of the entire British public into small-minded middle-class aspirants, whose sole desire is to possess meaningless consumer objects which will make them the envy of their neighbours – a secret project set in train in 1979 by Margaret Thatcher – is now complete, according to a survey of lottery millionaires published today.

Before the National Lottery, only earls were allowed hot tubs

According to the results, the single possession most winners fondly imagine will finally give their empty lives some kind of purpose is a family-sized bucket of hot swirling water – closely followed by a dedicated room in which they can admire their vast collection of tat bought on a whim from Top Shop.

Other popular purchases of no extrinsic worth included electric gates to save them from the terrible wasted effort of getting out of the car, and a room of its own for the Xbox.

But, hearteningly, the most popular acquisition on the list is not a material thing at all. 30% proudly declared that they had hired a lowly cleaner from their own social background.

“What we really needed more than anythink in our lives, dontchano, was a peasant in the house so’s they can feel insanely jealous of all our tasty stuff, dontchano,” said £1m winner Sammi-Jo Potts, as she jabbed a finger at a wall-sized television and brayed about the decline of traditional British values of thrift and hard work – a ritual which, she firmly believes, occurs daily in the kitchen-cum diner of Buckingham Palace.

Great Value Activity Holidays On Offer As Bolshevik Revolution Grips Europe

And it's educational, too

The pound in your pocket has never promised so much action-packed fun for your summer holidays, say uncharacteristically cheerful travel agents, as impoverished peasant mobs from France To Greece angrily dust off their rusty tumbrils and rebel against their hated leaders.

“As the eurozone collapses headlong into blood-red anarchy, sterling has finally found some residual value,” gushed the manager of a Thomas Cook in Ruislip. “If you can find someone to parachute you into Greece, right now you can sleep in a five-star hotel bed that’s been hauled out into the balmy streets of Athens for a makeshift barricade for as little as 50p a night. A Michelin-recommended dinner with a bottle of exquisite raki will cost as little as a pound, and then you can fill the empty bottle with petrol and hurl it at a policeman to round off the perfect romantic socialist evening.”

Meanwhile, in revolutionary France, cheap family adventure holidays guarantee fun the whole family can enjoy together, as you and your children are encouraged to hurl abuse and unfeasibly large cabbages at the evil capitalist Sarkozy and his overthrown lackeys before entering a prize draw for the rare opportunity to actually pull the string on the famous guillotine.

“And in Germany’s picturesque Schleswig-Holstein right now,” he added breathlessly, “You too can get a grandstand view with all the excitement of daredevil Angela Merkel tearing around in ever-decreasing circles. You can be there when the wheels finally fall off her reckless plans for Eurozone domination!”

You Too Can Be As Wealthy As A Waitrose Shelf Stacker, Promises Clegg

'Shelf stackers of the world, unite and take over'

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has shared his glorious vision of a share-owning Britain, in which every man, woman and child can bask in the untold riches enjoyed by Waitrose shelf stackers and John Lewis till operators.

“We don't believe our problem is too much capitalism - we think it's that too few people have capital,” enthused Mr Clegg beatifically. “We need more individuals to have a real stake in their firms. More of a John Lewis economy, if you like - full of quality goods, complete with a moving Smiths soundtrack performed by someone with a softer voice than Morrissey.”

“And what many people don't realise about employee ownership,” he added, as choirs of angels sang ‘Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Still Loves Me’ above him, “Is that it is a hugely underused tool in unlocking votes from those apathetic council-estate scum who dream of getting something for nothing.”

North Koreans Convinced Shortage Of Tributes Signifies Imminent Collapse Of Decadent Capitalist Telephone Networks

The lack of fulsome tributes to Kim Jong-il from the rest of the world offers clear evidence that the obsolete capitalist system is finally on its last legs, according to many grieving North Koreans.

Pyongyang's foreign office is waiting to take your call

“For many years now, it’s only been the fatherly advice of the Dear Leader that has kept the outside world from descending into rack and ruin,” explained skeletal swamp-farmer Hong Gil-dong. “Within hours of his tragic demise, it appears the shoddily-built Western communication satellites are already tumbling from the skies. I almost feel sorry for the weeping dictators of the West as they sit forlornly by their dead telephones, unable to contact our glorious paradise on earth to express their pathetic gratitude for the late Supreme Leader’s inspirational statesmanship and to grovel for the Great Successor’s wisdom and guidance.”

“This latest manifest failure of capitalism isn’t surprising,” he added. “After all, we’re still waiting patiently for the criminally bourgeois postal systems of the West to pass on all your solemn condolences for the glorious passing of the Eternal President, and that was 17 years ago.”

“I heard this morning that our Father’s demise has triggered the wholesale collapse of the evil capitalist stock markets,” smiled Paek Sung-hee, a painfully thin bicycle repairer from Pyongyang. “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Yawning Miliband Emerges From Giant Teapot, Reads Headlines For First Time In Weeks

Do not disturb until April

Labour leader Miliband Two has woken up from a three-week nap inside his favourite teapot and noticed some sort of protest going on, he announced sleepily this morning.

“I don’t know quite what all this fuss is about,” he yawned, rubbing his eyes with his little paws, “Are they upset about the noise from church bells? They wake me up sometimes.”

When informed that the St Paul’s protest had something to do with rising popular anti-capitalism sentiments, Mr Miliband declared that he was sure he was probably on their side before disappearing back inside his teapot to hibernate for the next six months.

Meanwhile, former Lazards Investment Bank chairman Ken Costa, who now promotes the evangelical Alpha Course brainwashing programme, told the Sunday Telegraph that the finance industry had somehow lost sight of the need to do good – which, he insisted, used to be the sole factor motivating investors back in the day when he was running things according to God’s plan.

“I urge everyone in the City to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour,” he suggested. “Go on, give each other a big, loving hug and tell your clients the good news that Jesus will sort it all out.”

We Are The Only News, Insist Cathedral Campers

Anti-capitalism protesters camping outside St Paul’s Cathedral today pointed to blatant coverage of other events as incontrovertible evidence of an establishment cover-up at the highest levels of the corrupt BBC.

Surely the forces of reaction can't take much more of this

“We are single-handedly saving the fucking planet here, and all the Bilderberg lackeys of the BBC are telling the sheeple is that we got in the way of some toffs’ wedding,” wailed one angry soap dodger in a 'V' mask. “Meanwhile, they’re slavishly serving the secret agenda by pumping out non-stop neocon lies about the Great Libyan Oil Theft, Hitler’s Zionist-backed European Union and the demise of the evil Edmundo Ros, who viciously distracted millions of brainwashed your nan and grandad from the vital task of overthrowing the capitalist nightmare with his evil cha-cha arrangements.”

“So everybody shut the fuck up and pay attention to us,” he added. “It’s you we’re doing this for, you ignorant bastards, because we are the only people in Fascist Britain who give a shit about you. Now get up off your fat fucking arses and smash the system. Oi, vicar! Make yourself useful - pop over to Starbucks and get us a skinny macchiato, you middle-class God-bothering creep.”

When asked in what way the public could best smash the system, and what it should be replaced with, he pointed out that I am a smug capitalist bastard and asked how much MI5 are paying me.

Shamed Financiers Vow To Be Lovely To Each And Every One Of Us From Now On

As protesters movingly took to the streets of the world’s leading financial centres today, hordes of sobbing money men have been emerging from their corporate towers of glass and steel - begging on their knees for forgiveness, and a chance to put right all of the harm they have selfishly caused to the human race and our suffering planet.

“Mother Gaia, have mercy on my tormented soul,” wailed the head of an international investment bank, tearing off his designer shirt and beating his breast in anguish and remorse. “No more shall the tentacles of my evil global empire subjugate the tribes of the earth. This hippy occupation of the City has truly opened my eyes, and from now on I shall devote my life to distributing its ill-gotten wealth among sustainable local tie-dying operations. Now I beg the joyful face-painting druids of Glastonbury Tor to come forth from this sea of inspirational placards, and paint me humble.”

Job done, chaps - you can all go home now

“I have laid my last disfiguring oil pipeline across the ravaged face of our beautiful planet,” vowed the contrite CEO of a multinational energy exploiter. “Even as I speak, my reformed underlings are dismantling the hated machinery of distribution. From now on, resources will benefit only those in whose sacred ground they are to be found.”

“Pretty soon, I can tell you, there are going to be an awful lot of Eskimos racing round the Alaskan tundra in Range Rovers,” he wept joyfully, as a fellow convert sent word to his Kenyan subsidiary that, from now on, its African workforce would be permitted to gorge themselves every day on coffee beans. “Now, is there a groovy chick here who would like to barter me some henna in exchange for my pointless gold cufflinks? I’ve always harboured a secret yearning for a magnificent mane of bright red dreadlocks.”

Meanwhile, all over the world’s oceans, the crews of tankers, bulk carriers and containers ships were taking to the lifeboats, as instructed by their reformed shipowners, and learning to fish for only their own immediate needs after opening the sea cocks on the hated vessels which have senselessly squandered the world’s dwindling oil supplies hauling goods needlessly from continent to continent.

“Of course, without international trade there will be a billion or so deaths over the course of the next few months,” smiled Bank of England governor Mervyn King, sporting a splendid new set of tribal tattoos on his eyelids as he danced ecstatically around a bonfire of now-obsolete futures and share certificates. “But I know they will pass into the next world happy in the knowledge that the good earth will be fertilised by their cast-off mortal shells, ensuring a fantastic crop of turnips for the survivors to venerate.”

World ‘Not Quite Fucked Yet,’ Cameron Reassures Canadians

Standing statesmanlike with his hands on his knees and naked from the waist down, David Cameron stoically warned Canada’s impassive parliamentarians that the entire Western world was “not quite fucked yet, but the pattern is clear.”

With global share prices in freefall as the unchecked forces of capitalism threw themselves into their final orgy of cannibalistic destruction – as predicted 144 years ago by some long-forgotten oddball with a beard - Britain’s PM issued a stark warning to the leaders of Europe and the United States in which he desperately urged them to discard a century of ill-considered legislation which prevents the remnants of Western industry from regarding you and your children solely as disposable raw materials to be exploited ruthlessly until death.

Western civilisation will be back after this break

With the G20 summit of the world’s former leading economies scheduled for November, the trouserless Mr Cameron expressed a touching hope that the impending sideways shafting by barbarians in suits would at least have the decency to wait until then before laying waste to a thousand years of Western civilisation.

“This is why it is so important for the United Nations to support the embryonic spread of democracy in the Arab world," he added. “Then, after the new Dark Age has reduced us to cooking dung in our mud huts and throwing sharp sticks at the tribe from the next hilltop, we may one day rise up and steal all that we forgot back off them like we did before.”

Government Finally Abolishes The Word ‘Honour’

Enough said

With the award of a knighthood for Brian Souter, the rapacious and homophobic head of Stagecoach, for working harder than anyone else to give Britain a transportation system worthy of the third world, dictionary compilers have accepted that the word ‘honour’ – as in ‘Queen’s Birthday Honours’ - has now officially lost all meaning and will be deleted from future editions.

“Brian Souter is the perfect capitalist bastard,” said a spokesman for the Oxford Dictionary. “He spent £500,000 on his own dodgy ‘referendum’, publishing a stream of misinformation and lies in an effort to stop councils from saying that homosexuality was acceptable whilst strenuously denying that he was in any way homophobic. In the same vein, although he cut his drivers’ wages and broke a strike with scab labour, this didn’t seem to strike him as incompatible in any way with his proclaimed support of trade unionism.”

“But then, this is a man who says, ‘ethics are not irrelevant but some are incompatible with what we have to do, because capitalism is based on greed’, yet firmly believes he’s earned his place in his Calvinist heaven,” he added. “No doubt David Cameron thinks these are admirable values which deserve recognition, in much the same way that he seems to think that we’re all too stupid to notice all the gongs he’s thrown at his thieving City mates, because we’re so happy that dear old Brucie finally got a K for not letting senility get in the way of his earnings. But please, let’s not call this circus of shame ‘honours’ any more. Language has to retain some shred of meaning.”

IMF Boss Asks For 3bn Previous Attempts To Screw The Poor To Be Taken Into Consideration

How capitalism works

Following a dramatic last-minute arrest as he tried to flee the United States ahead of a charge of attempting to rape a hotel maid, IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has admitted to the authorities that he has been doing his utmost to screw billions of poor people in the four years since he was appointed.

“That has always been my understanding of what the International Monetary Fund is for,” he told New York detectives who are investigating claims that he ran naked through the corridors of Manhattan’s Sofitel hotel and sexually assaulted the maid. “With the state of the global economy these days, I have a heavy workload. After a long day spent screwing the poor all over the world, is it so wrong to bring a little work home?”

“I’m sure I can clear up this simple misunderstanding with a quick telephone call,” he suggested, as he was led away from JFK airport. “The poor are there to be taken advantage of by the rich. That’s just the way it is. I demand my statutory phone call to the president. He is a politician - he understands that the poor are accustomed to being fucked. In fact, very often they actually vote for the people they would prefer to be fucked by.”

“So many poor people,” he sighed as he was pushed into a squad car, “So little time.”