The Nev Filter Book Club Choice: Little Dorries, by Charles Dickens

Little Dorries, hot on the trail of the evil Mrs Stopes

This month we’ll be following the heartwarming tale of little Nadine Dorries, in Dickens’ masterful tale of shocking Victorian values, as she struggles to drag women’s rights back to the 19th century!

We’ll thrill to her epic battle to stop the wicked, profit-mongering back street abortionist Mrs Stopes from offering impartial advice and the use of her red-hot poker to fallen women!

We’ll weep for joy at her valiant efforts to drive the harlots to seek impartial threats of everlasting torment in the fires of hell instead, from celibate priests whose idea of family planning is the head of the household dutifully scattering his seed over his wife and chattel’s bosom whilst praising the Almighty for his bountiful abundance!

This month’s movie choice: 12m Angry Women

Bishop Of Lewes Urges Church Traditionalists To Step Up Spitfire Production

Gunsights can be adjusted from A to GG, says the bishop

Speaking at the Reform conference of conservative Anglicans today, the Rt. Rev. Wallace Benn, Bishop of Lewes urged clergy and laity opposed to the ordination of women bishops to speed up the production of Spitfires, the issuing of gas masks and the conversion of altars into Morrison shelters.

"I feel very much increasingly that we're in January of 1939,” the bishop told other Church of England traditionalists who believe that testicles and a penis are absolutely essential to the proper exercising of diocesan duties. “What we must not do is create a phoney war, but we need to be aware that there is real serious warfare just around the corner. It's actually arrived in some places already.”

“If we do not have enough Spitfires flying round-the-clock patrols over every bishopric,” he warned, “There is every likelihood that specially-trained women in pastel-hued vestments might parachute into the midst of our flocks, laying into us with their matching croziers and gassing on about drawing parables from The X Factory, or whatever it may be."

At this point, the bishop - who is due to retire in two years - suddenly caught sight of a tea lady entering the room and dived for cover beneath a table shouting, “Put that bloody bint out!”

Campaigners with breasts were predictably outraged by the bishop’s comments, but his office later issued a statement pointing out that his “Churchillian” speech at no point actually mentioned Hitler or the Nazis.

“Although, compared to a woman, even Hitler would have made a half-decent bishop,” pointed out a spokesman. “At least he had one ball.  And when you think of Hitler, you're not distracted by an enormous pair of norks wobbling in front of your eyes.”

"Or if you are, that is a matter entirely between you and your Creator," he added.

Priests With Tits? That’s Like Fondling Small Boys, Explains Pope

Moving in a mystical way that has even left God scratching his head, Pope Benedict XVI has condemned the attempted ordination of women by a Catholic pressure group, calling it “a grave crime” which is as serious as child abuse - although the Vatican later stressed that although one is clearly as bad as the other, in fact it isn’t and anyone who can’t see the distinction is a wicked heretic.

The latest papal declaration of nonsense is a response to futile but determined attempts from Catholic Women’s Ordination to drag their medieval superstition kicking and screaming out of the 11th century.

“The Holy Führer has carefully examined all of his collected paintings of Christ and his disciples, and can confirm that each and every one of them has an unmistakeable cock-shaped bulge in their garments,” explained Cardinal Charles Scicluna, the Vatican’s sex crimes investigator. “And although His Holiness is no clearer on what a magnificent pair of charlies might look like than the rest of us, he’s pretty sure none of them have any. Well, that about clears that up, doesn’t it?”

“We’ll set aside for a minute the absence of any liturgical requirement for a penis to be waved around during services,” retorted Mrs Doyle of Catholic Women’s Ordination. “According the Pope’s own logic, the only people who should be ordained as Catholic priests are Jews living in the Middle East. Now correct me if I’m wrong, father, but haven’t I heard somewhere on the radio about the Jews in the Middle East being generally quite into the whole Jewishness thing in a fairly big way?”

“Nevertheless,” she conceded, “Despite this apparent mismatch between supply and demand, I’m prepared to accept that all the priests in the world fulfil the Pope’s strictly Biblical criteria, if you and the Holy Father will lift up your cassocks and show us all where you had the snip. Go on.”

“Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on,” she added.

As a purple-faced Cardinal Sicloony called for the implements of holy persuasion to be brought forth and displayed to the witch, billions of people around the world somehow managed to go about their daily business undisturbed by the vital theological debate.

'Don't You Know Who I Am?' Demands Horrible Self-Important Trouser-Wearing Journalist Woman

Lubna Ahmed Hussein, the journalist who insists on being tried for the crime of wearing trousers in Sudan, says today's adjournment of her trial proves that she is really very important indeed.

Ms Hussein - who resigned from her UN job because it would have granted her immunity - says she wants her trial to become a test case for women's rights in Sudan.

"Before police caught me, there are maybe 20,000 girls and women getting flogged for dress reasons," she told reporters. "Of course, they were all just little people. But now they realise they have foolishly chosen to lock horns with a highly-successful female journalist, fearless human rights campaigner and down-to-earth working mum who is at the very top of her game. They'll never give me forty lashes, now they know just who they're dealing with. They simply wouldn't dare."

The trial judge, however, said that the reason for the adjournment was that he had just ordered a shiny new leather whip, and was waiting for it to arrive in the post.

"The old one was looking rather worn out from overuse," he explained. "I'm sure Ms Hussein wouldn't settle for anything less than the very best."

'Bloody Men, What Can You Do With Them?' Demands Harman

One of the top two posts in the Labour Party should always be held by a woman, deputy leader Harriet Harman told her book group this morning over an agreeable bottle of chianti.

"Men cannot be left to run things on their own," she slurred, spilling wine on her half-read copy of Pride and Prejudice, while her fellow literature-lovers nodded vigorously in agreement. "Let's face it, they're all useless, the whole bloody lot of them. They prod you in the back with their thing when you're trying to get to sleep after you've slogged your guts out all day long raising a family, they can't move without farting and they actually think it's funny, and they can't even put up shelves without expert supervision by a woman. They're all complete and utter bastards. Hic."

"Of course, they're not totally useless, and every car should be equipped with one in case it breaks down," she added. "Then when it's all covered in oil after topping up the sparkplugs, or whatever it is they do, you can drive off and get a clean new one from Halfords."

"I'm not saying that men should be totally excluded from politics," insisted Ms Harman, waving her now-empty glass around. "After all, you've got to have someone to blame when things go wrong."

"Yes, dear," said a pinafore-clad Lord Mandelson, who was ironing his smile in the conservatory. "Do you mind if I take the car for a little spin this afternoon? I just want to find myself a nice safe seat, so I can take over when that Scottish git at work gets kicked out."

"Well, if you must," slurred Ms Harman crossly, "But for God's sake, do make sure it matches the curtains."

Let My People Get Off With Community Service

A coalition of charities is, for the first time, lobbying the UK government to stop jailing women convicted of non-violent crimes.

“Women’s needs have never been very influential in the design or concept of prisons,” said Teresa Elwes of the Bromley Trust.

According to the Howard League for Penal Reform, “Women in custody remain locked into an inhumane system with heavy-handed levels of punishment, poorly-trained staff, inadequate healthcare and sparse opportunities for rehabilitation and family contact.”

The report notes that male inmates are frequently asked if their prisons could be rebuilt to suit them better, with kindly, caring prison officers and Harley Street consultants on hand to minister to their needs and desires.

“All we are saying is that all women are delicate little flowers, apart from the chavs who eat their own young of course,” said convicted drug baroness Enid ‘The Godmother’ Blyton. “The system doesn’t take into account the extenuating circumstances of most female criminals, which are invariably caused by some bloke or other - like our dads, husbands and pimps. I should be let out immediately - my customers are suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms and it’s hard for me to care for them while some work-experience screws are stamping on my head while cruelly denying me my right to breast enlargement therapy.”

Men around Britain’s prisons agreed, saying that none of them had ever had it so rough as women. “Me and me mates had privileged middle-class backgrounds where we wanted for nothing,” said Norman Stanley Fletcher from his penthouse cell. “Women should be allowed to commit all the crime they want. And then send the proceeds to me, care of HMP Slade know what I mean?”

Women Want Gordon in A Sack, Dave in The Sack

Tory leader David Cameron is sexier than Gordon Brown, according to a women’s magazine poll.

In the survey of 2,000 women, almost two thirds thought the Old Etonian Conservative would be good in bed and said they would marry him, saying he should be Prime Minister because they liked his wife and found him attractive. The news for Gordon Brown, however, was less appealing; 62% said they would like to throw him off a cliff. A dissenting 34% said they would do the same with David Cameron, although it was not clear whether any of them had gone to bed with him.

The results also showed that women look for the same qualities in a prime minister as in a partner – strong morals and a sense of humour. Moral, humorous yet unaccountably single men across the nation bit their lips at the return of this old chestnut.

The magazine hailed women aged between 25 and 45 as the largest group of floating voters in the UK, and claimed they were becoming more politicised.

“Men should take a leaf from our book and stop worrying about which party can solve rising street crime, unaffordable housing, spiralling costs of living, the recession, job insecurity, the state of the health service and the continuing conflict in the Middle East,” said the editor, Marie-Claire Cosmo. “It’s now clear that the real burning issues of the day are: Does Your PM Drive You Wild Again And Again In The Sack? and Get Your MP Down The Aisle With Our Ten Top Fashion and Beauty Tips!”