Et In Suburbia Ego

Country Obsessed By Weather Still No Closer To Understanding How It Works

As water companies imposed hosepipe bans on the drought-struck south east, a furious Middle England took time out from demanding the immediate return of last weekend’s unseasonal sunshine to turn on all the taps in a spontaneous act of principled defiance against corporate bully boys, prudence and all reason.

This is what Britain should be like, but with a car wash and a jacuzzi

“How bastard dare these profiteering, jumped-up gauleiters from Thames Water tell me I can’t fill up my swimming pool on the off-chance that I might want to freeze my bollocks off in the middle of a downpour?” seethed Rob Blind, a jumped-up senior profiteer at Gauleiter Bank AG’s London office, as he truculently scoured his BMW Z4 convertible down to the bare metal in a maniacal frenzy of repetitive car-washing disorder. “It’s my sodding water, I’m bloody paying through the nose for it, so I’ll do whatever I damn well like with it.”

“If there’s such a desperate shortage, why don’t they just cut off Peckham?” he demanded. “They can put their precious standpipes outside the Jobcentres and the magistrates’ courts. That sort are used to queueing, aren’t they?”

“Damn and blast it, it’s spitting with rain again!” he roared obsessively. “Now I’ll have to wash all those spots off my car’s newly-exposed bodywork before the bloody thing collapses in a heap of rust. Why isn’t the sun shining? Call this summer? How am I supposed to fill a car with water with the bloody roof up?”

“Pass me that goddamned hose again!” he screamed.

Chilling Report Warns That You Will Soon Be Joining Horrible Proles

Book your place now, it's about to get rather crowded

Middle-class sphincters clutched spasmodically today, as the Institute for Fiscal Studies solemnly warned that nice people like you will soon be utterly indistinguishable from the lowlife human molluscs who cluster around the entrance of the local Jobcentre.

“With median incomes likely to fall 7% in the next two years, this would be the largest three-year fall in median income since 1974-77,” noted report co-author Robert Spreadsheet. "Face it, Middle England, you’re about to become what you hate and fear: ghastly poor people.”

Already enterprising members of the underclass are offering courses to the downwardly-mobile, covering such vital topics as acceptable levels of aggression in Jobcentres, post-nuclear family management and riot-based looting.

“Well, if I really must join the scum, I might as well hit the ground running,” shrugged a typical doomed Surrey housewife, as her personal trainer showed her the correct way to hide her face under a hood.

Record Company Bosses Instruct Public To Like Squawking Lesbian Folkie From Taunton Again

Music industry executives strongly suggest that you log onto iPlayer immediately and buy all the MP3s by Taunton folk lesbian PJ Harvey - including all her old stuff which you dutifully bought on CD ten years ago, when she was last given the Mercury Sales Boost - unless, perhaps, you want to give your dinner-party guests the impression that you must be some sort of war-crazed homophobic misogynist.

“Polly Harvey’s seminal new album, ‘Gosh, War Is Really Bad Isn’t It’, offers a unique lesbian insight into the war thing,” explained her proud owner Barry Weiss, CEO of Island Records. “You will be humbled and elated to hear her fearlessly stripping bare your narrow, heterosexual misconceptions about war with the aid of her trusty Les Paul and some sort of tin-plated polygon with strings, opening your complacent eyes to the shocking revelation that, for many people, war is actually quite bad. Now give me your cash, suckers.”

Polly and her special anti-war plunky thing

“Anybody who doesn’t worhsip PJ is obviously a frustrated would-be rapist, what with her heroically ticking the lezzer box and that,” said longtime fan Starchild Moonflower. “I’ve been so like into her since way back, when she sang that one about menstruating Celtic statues – essential subject matter that testosterone-fuelled cock wavers like Justin Bieber wouldn’t dare touch with a bargepole.”

Once her record company has recovered the huge investment it made in hiring a soundproofed warehouse, a Macbook Pro and a couple of microphones for a day or two, the re-crowned queen of the battlefield said she was eagerly looking forward to putting her royalties towards a six pack of Strongbow and a fresh pair of leather pants.

Inner Cities Looking Forward To Arrival Of Patronising Busybodies’ Valuable Cars

Nah, it was like that when you left it, mate

Britain’s problem families have welcomed prime minister David Cameron’s latest bright idea - urging insufferably patronising middle-class pricks into their inner-city hellscapes to tell them how to find those millions of ‘hidden’ jobs which exist in his empty head - and also promised a particularly warm welcome for shiny new Chelsea tractors.

Community representatives said there were plenty of vacant off-road parking spaces round the back of their decaying tower blocks where public-spirited locals could keep a watchful eye on the luxurious 4x4s and people-carriers, whilst their owners were indoors offering the full benefit of their rose-tinted worldview to any addict incapable of running away fast enough.

“This scheme’s fackin’ brilliant right?” said problem person Sammi-Jo Potts. “That poncy twat’s only just gorn an’ announced it, an’ already I bin offered like fifty nicker a wheel offuv any Merc or Beemer yeah an’ a tenner for every satnav. ‘Assa noo Xbox sorted for startas yeah innit.”

0.01mm Tsunami Reaches Sussex Coast

The terrifying horizontal wall of water facing Brighton

Millions of potential tsunami victims across the south-east are speaking of little else but their miraculous deliverance from almost certain death today, after an earthquake with a magnitude of almost 4 threatened to hurl the entire English Channel inland at 7.59 this morning.

“When my teacup momentarily rattled in its saucer, all that awful footage from Japan flashed before my eyes,” gasped white-faced futures trader Rob Blind, who was waiting for the 0803 from Haywards Heath. “But that was caused by the 0716 from London Bridge rattling in. Thirty seconds later, though, there was a brief ripple in my tea and I found out when I got to work that it can only have been caused by the most devastating earthquake to hit the south coast since 1734.”

“That’s the year 1734, by the way,” he added earnestly. “I don’t mean the train I caught home from work yesterday, although that was a fucking disaster in its own right.”

All over the south-east, emergency services reported the same appalling news - an enormous wall of water was not crawling relentlessly towards a defenceless London, tall buildings were providentially left standing and millions had somehow escaped a terrible death by drowning.

On hearing the dreadful news, the homeless thousands of Japan’s Fukushima province swiftly organised a collection for their fellow survivors on the other side of the globe. The first package of aid - a pair of threadbare Speedos and an old snorkel - is expected to arrive in the post on Monday.

Miliband: ‘Knew Labour Could Recapture Middle Earth’

Mr Miliband is targeting the Shire vote

Launching a major review of Labour policy, Ed Miliband has declared his bold intention to retake the fictional realm of Middle Earth from the combined orc forces of David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

“I say we’ve got to move beyond New Labour,” Mr Miliband told his party’s National Policy Forum. “Why do I say we have to move beyond New Labour? Not because the New Labour approach was wrong, it was right in many ways, but because people are sick of hearing about New Labour. So let’s hear no talk of New Labour. We shall banish New Labour from our thoughts. Let us hear no more of New Labour.”

“Right, that’s enough about New Labour,” he went on cheerfully. “With New Labour out of the picture, we need to find some new Labour policies which don’t sound like Tory or LibDem policies, but which will resonate with the people in Middlemarch – because, let’s face it, they’re the only ones who can be bothered to vote.”

“So let’s get our brand new Labour thinking caps on and ask ourselves how we can reconnect with the squeezed middle-of-the-road,” he urged. “The next election is ours for the taking, if we can just get Jayne Middlemiss on board. Our message must be entirely new: “Labour has your best interests at heart, piggy in the middle.’ If you thought you knew Labour, take another look – because we’re all-new Labour here.”

Middle Class Outraged By Government Attack On Middle Class Benefits

A typical thieving family of scroungers

Daily Mail readers were spluttering with indignant rage this morning to find themselves being lined up by Treasury officials as the next lot of scrounging benefit claimants to persecute.

Strangely, however, no tabloid papers ran front-page stories of wealthy professionals who flagrantly defraud the state out of billions of pounds in child benefit to which they are entitled, or comfortable retirees on generous private pensions who cynically abuse the welfare state by accepting hundreds of pounds each in winter fuel payments, year after year after year.

“How dare the government threaten to apply a means test to me!” shrieked James White, a 37-year-old accountant and father-of-three living in unabashed comfort in Clifton, Bristol - who shamelessly helps himself to £47.10 every week of your hard-earned cash, despite a joint income of nearly £63,000. “I’m not some common bloody criminal, like all those lazy bastards pulling sickies for years on end, or the population of Liverpool. I’ve got a Land Rover Discovery to run. Did they consider that?”

His wife Jessica, a part-time teacher, agreed vigorously, adding that it wasn’t easy bringing up three horrible, demanding children on just two incomes.

“Young Emily is coming up for three, and she says she won’t stop crying until she gets an iPhone4 like her brothers have got,” she whined. “And now they’re six they want proper laptops, because they’ve outgrown their notepads. They shouldn’t be taking away my child benefit, they should be paying me a higher rate. Have you seen the price of an iPhone contract? Well, have you?”

Her mother and father, meanwhile, who have retired to a nice little village near Weston-super-Mare, complained bitterly about the threat to withhold their winter fuel payments until they reach the age of 66.

“That’s two bloody winters in which I could well freeze to death,” pointed out John, a retired police inspector. “And my poor wife Helen will have to wait until 2014 for hers. What are we supposed to do until then? Pay for our own heating bills? Bloody cheek. This is what happens when you put a Liberal in charge. Cameron hasn’t been on holiday a week, and this is what that bloody trot Clegg gets up to.”

“If they keep on like this, I’ll be voting Labour next time,” he warned. “Say what you like about Brown, we never got hammered like this by him. He knew how to look after decent people like us.”

A spokesman for the poor said he sympathised deeply with the plight of middle Englanders, and welcomed them to his world.

Nice Middle Class Parents' Outrage At Being Treated With Same Suspicion As Council-Estate Scum

In the face of mounting public fury, Children's Secretary Ed Balls has moved quickly to defuse the row by offering to make a few meaningless cosmetic changes to the government's plans to label everyone in Britain a child-molesting pervert.

Parents who take part in voluntary lift-share schemes to save their poor little darlings from falling into the clutches of the armies of raincoat-clad weirdos who infest school buses and pavements expressed outrage when the government announced that they would all have to submit to a Criminal Records Bureau check, which would label them either as convicted kiddie-fondlers or potential kiddie-fondlers who just haven't been caught yet.

"How dare the government call me a paedophile!" screamed a respectable middle-class mum from the window of her Espace as she dropped her respectable middle-class daughter off at a middle-class school in Surrey which performs very respectably in the league tables. "Everybody knows that paedophiles live on benefits on inner-city sink estates in the North of England. Why don't they just round them all up and sterilise them?"

Mr Balls, however, told reporters that he was ordering a review into the Vetting and Barring Scheme, to see if there was a way of excluding nice people from its remit.

"I can't give you any specifics at present," said the sweating Balls, "But one option we're examining is a Newsagent Check. It seems to me that anyone who takes the Mail or the Express on a regular basis is obviously a normal, well-balanced individual who poses no risk at all to society."

Labour Seeks To Reassure Middle England Over Founding Principles

Communities Secretary John Denham has been wheeled out by the government to reassure Middle England that, just because the Labour Party is abandoning its totalitarian ID card scheme and renationalising a large chunk of the railways, it has still forgotten its founding principles.

"I want to tell the South East not to panic - all that old lefty claptrap about narrowing the gap between rich and poor is as dead as a dodo," he told the Fabian Society. "Harriet Harperson can huff and puff all she likes about equality - but don't worry, she's only there to appeal to those elderly cloth-capped northerners who get dusted off and wheeled to the polling stations every few years because they fondly believe that nice Mr Attlee is still in the driving seat."

"Between you, me and the security gate, we're all selfish, greedy middle-class professionals nowadays," smiled Mr Denham. "The Labour Party was built on the blood, sweat and toil of the working class, who struggled to build a future in which their descendants would have a better life. Well, we're their descendents and we're having a high old time - I mean, look at how much we've been fiddling on expenses. Rest assured, Middle England, we're just like you."

Jobcentres To Reassure Unemployed Mail Readers: Of Course You're Not Scrounging Doley Wasters Like Them

The government has announced a £40m package to help honest, hardworking middle-class people who read the Daily Mail and have lost their jobs through no fault of their own.

The scheme will ensure that decent folk are treated with the full respect to which they are entitled when they present themselves at their local Jobcentres, and not lumped in with the drug-addicted criminal retards commonly found slouching about such places.

Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell told the press: "Nice people with a degree will be offered one-to-one interviews with personal advisors, invited to attend group sessions with people in similar circumstances and given tips on changing career."

When it was pointed out that this was no different from standard Jobcentre practice, Mr Purnell put a finger to his lips and said, "I know that, you know that - but Daily Mail readers desperately want to believe that Jobcentre staff regularly take horsewhips to the underclass, and who am I to spoil their illusions?"

After being taken aside by his minder and suspended upside-down by the testicles for a minute, however, the Employment Secretary rephrased his answer, saying: "No one will be getting help that is denied to other people. We want to make sure everyone looking for work has the skills and confidence they need to find a suitable job as quickly as possible."

Pressed to explain what the extra £40m would actually be spent on, Mr Purnell eventually admitted that discreet side entrances would be built onto Jobcentres, through which recently-dismissed white-collar professionals would be admitted by a smartly-dressed doorman, shown to a special reception area and offered refreshments before being apologetically asked by a grovelling PA if they wouldn't mind just signing this silly little chit and making an entry in their iPhone's scheduler for another visit in a fortnight, if it wasn't putting them to too much trouble.

Debt Crisis Now Affecting Decent People, Says Daily Mail

Middle England was left reeling today after the Daily Mail discovered that rising personal debt was now affecting decent, right-thinking folk in the home counties who read the Daily Mail.

Previously, the prevailing view was that debt was an entirely self-inflicted and well-deserved scourge affecting only feckless chav scum on lawless inner-city estates. However, the Mail revealed the shocking truth, namely that one of its own staff had received one of those horrible computer-generated letters from the bank telling that she had insufficient funds to meet the direct debits on her Docklands apartment and Mercedes SLK, and recommending her to contact the local Citizens’ Advice Bureau for advice on debt management.

“Now desperate middle-class families face huge debt crisis as more and more professionals plunge into the red” screamed the headline that brought terror to the south east and left terrified respectable couples berating each other over the Special K at breakfast.

“My irresponsible husband Thomas has just spent fifty pounds on Grand Theft Auto IV,” said Claudia, 29, from her four-bedroomed Richmond home. “And I don’t know why we need a lawnmower the size of a small tractor – the gardener doesn’t really take very long with his little Flymo.”

33-year-old Thomas, however, said that Claudia had only herself to blame for filling the walk-in wardrobe with “those bloody Manolo Whatsit shoes that always cut her feet to ribbons.”

“I’m poor – poor!” wailed Claudia. “What will the neighbours say when they buy a new Porsche 4x4 and we’re still driving our old Range Rover? It’ll be due for an MOT soon, whatever that means. I feel ill - I’m might have to take an aromatherapy weekend. Or is that just what poor people do in this situation? I must consult my guru.”