Express Strangely Reluctant To Describe Massacre Of Afghan Families As Mass Murder

Tragically, Afghans lack the Daily Express' sense of perspective

Daily Express scientists are tantalisingly close to reaching the definitive measure of human worth today, after discovering that – unlike the deaths of six British soldiers who drove over a hidden bomb last week - the senseless slaughter of 16 sleeping Afghan men, women and children by a US army sergeant fails to meet their strict criteria for mass murder.

“Thanks to meticulous research, we now know that one British squaddie is worth a million Jews,” explained project leader Professor Richard Desmond. “Other massacres in living memory conclusively prove that the life of the average British soldier is also equivalent to about 13 Swedes, 3650 Polish officers or roughly 125,000 Rwandans who are, of course, as black as the ace of spades.”

“We’re not quite sure exactly where the typical terrorist-loving towelhead appears on that scale, because their value is simply too tiny for our instruments to measure,” he admitted. “Rest assured, though, 16 less of them barely registers on our scale. And let’s not forget that nine of them were only kids. They only count as half.”

“Anyway, never mind all that gloom and doom,” beamed the renowned scholar and tit merchant. “What’s important is how hot Joan Collins is looking. OK, she may be 78, but I’d still give her one – who wouldn’t? Down, boy!”

Meanwhile the Express’ very own political cartoonist of the year, Paul Thomas, delighted the paper’s famously astute readers with a nice drawing of an elephant.

Heads Exploding All Over Britain As Tabloid Readers Try To Process Bereaved Mother’s Opinion Of Army

Emergency services all over Britain are struggling to cope today, as the brains of millions of hero-worshipping readers of the mass media explode whilst thinking about grieving mother Suzanne Ashe’s hatred of the army.

Ms Ashe might benefit from a toy bear, say papers

“Brave boys and girls… fine job… hate… heroes… does not compute… error,” muttered a glassy-eyed Sun reader, with smoke pouring from her ears moments before her head burst apart.

MoD officials are trying to understand how the bereaved mother of Private Gareth Bellingham, 22, who was shot whilst on patrol in Afghanistan, could have deviated from the officially-approved script.

“In these circumstances, relatives are supposed to say that their loved one died doing an important job of protecting us all, helping to make the world a better place, and so on and so forth,” said an MoD spokesman, “Not some bitter emotional guff about him missing out on having a relationship and raising a family. Most of all, they are supposed to thank the army for allowing him to live his dreams, not hate it for ending them. That’s bloody close to treason.”

Defence secretary Liam Fox is expected to announce an urgent review into the catastrophic failure of Ms Ashe’s stiff upper lip.

US Special Forces’ Tactical Manual Now Available As T-Shirt

US special forces carry their tactical manual with them at all times, in case they have trouble remembering the finer points

Following the unfortunate death of British hostage Linda Norgrove at the hands of the American forces who were supposed to be rescuing her, Pentagon sources have taken the unprecedented step of publishing in full their elite forces’ hitherto-classified tactical training document in the form of a 100% cotton t-shirt, to fit all sizes up to XXXL.

The sad demise of kidnapped aid worker Ms Norgrove, who appears to have been killed by a grenade thrown by one of her supposed rescuers, is covered by Part I of the machine-washable manual, which covers the assault doctrine of ‘KILL ‘EM ALL'. Part II, which contains detailed instructions for the mopping-up phase, advises troops to ‘Let God Sort ‘Em Out!’

Meanwhile, reports are emerging of a rift between the unit, who mounted the operation in a part of Afghanistan nominally under US control, and the British SAS advisors who accompanied them. MoD sources are privately saying that the SAS team would have been keen to implement their own expert tactics, claiming that the best chance for victory lay in openly daring Ms Norgrove’s captors to kill her if they were hard enough. They were, however, overruled by the US strike team, who instead placed their faith in small-unit tactics learned the hard way by their counterparts in Vietnam forty years ago.

“We had to destroy the hostage in order to save it,” confirmed a Pentagon source.

Koran-Burning Stunt Not Entirely Helpful, Petraeus Tells Preacher

The US military commander in Afghanistan suggested today that a planned mass burning of the Koran might possibly upset a few Moslems, and perhaps even make his job somewhat more difficult.

Pastor Terry Hitler and the fifty fellow members of the Dove World Domination Center - his non-denominational church in Gainesville, Florida - are planning to throw copies of one of the holiest books in the world onto a bonfire as a sign of their solemn respect on the ninth anniversary of 9/11.

So far, thousands of outraged Moslems have demonstrated against the holy book-burning in Indonesia over the weekend, while on Monday 500 irate demonstrators chanted “death to America” in the streets of Kabul on hearing of the bonfire plan.

Bloodshed followed the 2008 revelation that a US soldier deployed in Iraq had riddled a Koran with bullets, and lives were also lost in the wake of reports three years earlier that interrogators at Guantanamo Bay had flushed the Islamic scripture down a toilet.

"It could endanger troops and it could endanger the overall effort," Gen Petraeus warned US media. "It is precisely the kind of action the Taliban uses and could cause significant problems, i.e. our troops getting their asses handed to them on a blood-soaked platter.”

Thanks for sharing

Pastor Hitler, however, remains unmoved.

“Christ Himself is asking us to demonstrate His redeeming love by desecrating the sacred word of the prophet Mohammed,” he told reporters. "We must send a clear message to the radical element of Islam, which is all of them. We will no longer be controlled and dominated by their fears and threats. The mighty Lord Jesus is telling me that they are the ones who should be controlled and dominated by our fears and threats. Hallelujah."

“Islam is violent and repressive,” he raged, thumping the pulpit for added effect, “Unlike Christianity which is, of course, founded on love.”

“And death to all heretics, of course,” he added. “That’s a very important part of Christ’s message of hope.”

Ex-Army Chief Throws Inadequately-Funded Toys Out Of Pram

The Taleban wouldn't have liked this up 'em

The former Conservative head of the army, General Richard Dammit, today fired an ineffectual broadside from a rusty popgun at Tony Blair and Gordon Brown – accusing the pair of cynically underfunding Britain’s armed forces despite sending them to fight two foreign wars.

In his book ‘Leading From The Right’, Gen Dammit accuses Gordon Brown of “malign intervention” by refusing to fund sun cannon, crater guns and flybots for the armed forces, and claims Tony Blair “lacked the moral courage to impose his will on his own chancellor.”

“Thanks to those communist CND hippies, for the first time in its illustrious history the British army went into battle without every single item on its fantasy wish list,” he huffed from his camouflaged pram.

The retired general contrasted the Labour government’s parsimonious attitude with previous military operations like the Battle of France, in which the Germans were swiftly overwhelmed by grav tanks armed with multi-lens pulse lasers and orbital-drop troops equipped with power armour and man-portable fusion guns, bringing the Second World War to a swift end in 1940.

This crap is all that Gordon Brown would pay for

“The general staff knew all about winning in Afghanistan, from three previous victories back in the days of empire,” continued the red-faced general. “A devastating frightfulness-and-wonder assault with tacnukes by Queen’s Own G-carrier Division, followed up with the elite 14th Psionic Shock-Lancers’ mopping-up operation soon sorted out Akbar Khan and his fractious tribesmen.”

“Yet even such steampunk technology was callously turned down by those peacenik trots in Downing Street,” snorted Gen Dammit over a stiff G&T. “Instead, brave Tommy Atkins was sent into battle with nothing more than a recoilless rifle and a moped. Vote Conservative.”

Cardassian Government Concerned About Wikileaks Revelations

Following the publication of 90,000 classified records concerning its 50-year occupation of Bajor, the Cardassian government has today issued a sternly-worded statement claiming that Wikileaks’ action threatens to destabilise the entire Alpha Quadrant.

The huge cache of secret documents – simultaneously beamed through subspace to top Federation journalist Jake Sisko, Ambassador Worf of the Klingon Empire and Mr Elim Garak, a Cardassian tailor - reveal shocking evidence that some Bajorans may actually have died under Cardassian rule.

The raw intelligence reports include such disturbing revelations as:

- The Bajorans were not entirely happy about being invaded by their brutal Cardassian dominators;
- The Cardassian military armed some of its troops, and cynically ordered them to shoot back if attacked by Bajoran terrorists;
- Military governor Gul Dukat tried all sorts of ways to find out which Bajorans were hostile to his dictatorial rule;
- Some Bajorans who unfortunately lost their lives in exchanges of fire were not accorded front-page obituaries in every newspaper published in the Cardassian Union.

“Make no mistake, this is political dynamite,” Garak told the Nev Filter today. “And I’ll have those alterations to your trousers ready to collect by tomorrow afternoon. Now, good day to you.”

Cameron Seeks To Pull Troops Out Of Hat Before General Election

Prime minister David Cameron is meeting President Obama today, to politely ask if he could have his army back just in time for a general election.

The Conservative leader said he wanted to pull British troops out of a hat by 2015 at the latest, but added that he preferred not to “deal in too strict timetables”.

“Naturally the PM will be looking to pull our long-suffering boys and girls out of the coalition when the time is right for a ten per cent boost in the opinion polls,” commented Richard Holmes, a veteran armchair general of two War Walks. “However, it all rather depends on if and when the Lib Dems decide to pull their long-suffering boys and girls out of their coalition.”

Seasoned observers point to the ever-rising toll of Liberal Democrat casualties – 2 to date – and increasing scepticism among the general public about the point of the coalition.

“Whenever hostilities break out, the casualties are always worst in the ranks of the Lib Dems,” said Mr Holmes. “Nobody doubts the professionalism of this small but important body of MPs - but how much longer can they sustain such a high level of collateral damage to their credibility?”

“It’s already hit recruiting,” he added.

McChrystal’s Downfall

SCENE 2010 INT. THE WHITE BUNKER, WASHINGTON. THE OVAL OFFICE.

A woman’s finger hovers over a newspaper on a desk.

HILLARY CLINTON

(wearing black jacket and jaunty bowler hat with black fishnet stockings)

The enemy has made a breakthrough along the media front, Mr President. In Middle England they managed to slip an op-ed piece into the Independent openly calling for the phased withdrawal of British troops within a set time-frame, and they’re advancing steadily towards the Daily Express.

CUT TO C/S. CLINTON.

The British are talking about complete withdrawal from the theatre of operations within twelve months. And the Dutch are already packing their bags.

CUT TO

OBAMA

(Bruno Ganz – for it is he, wearing black-and white minstrel make-up, white top hat and tails - waves silk-gloved hands theatrically)

Mammy! Mah fren’ Gen’l McChrystal’s PR skills gon’ bring it aaaall undah control - yassum, marm, doan’ you worry yo’ purty li’l head none.

(FX: ripple of laughter.)

CUT TO M/S. Cabinet members exchange uneasy glances.
CUT TO

CLINTON

Mr President… General McChrystal…

CUT TO

GEN. PETRAEUS

SIR! Stanley McChrystal has been cheerfully slagging you and your administration off to a long-haired peacenik reporter, SIR! He wasn’t able to hold on to his tongue, SIR!

CUT TO M/S. Cabinet. Uncomfortable pause.
CUT TO C/S. OBAMA rolls eyes furiously as he smoothly removes his top hat, rolls it down his arm to his silver-tipped cane, from which he deftly throws it onto a hat-rack in the corner.

OBAMA

De foll’win’ peoples gwin’ stay awhile: Mistah Biden, Missy Clinton, Lil’ Bobby Gates an’ Gen’ral Petraeus. As fo’ de res’ - backta de plantation, y’all heah?
CUT TO M/S. Cabinet.

(Uncomfortable pause as a dozen minor cabinet members shuffle out. FX: Taped audience ‘Aaaaah’s)

CUT TO

OBAMA

(Striding up and down office, twirling cane)

Dat was an awdah! DAT FELLAH McCHRYSTAL, HE HOLDIN’ HIS TONGUE WAS AN AWDAH!!! Who’d’ya think y’all am ta dis’bey an awdah dat ah done gived ya? Laaaoowd a’mercy!

(falls to knees in spotlight, arms outstretched)

Scene 2010A INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. M/S. Uncomfortable crowd of spinmeisters, policy wonks and cabinet members.)
CUT TO
SCENE 2010B INT OVAL OFFICE.

OBAMA

(turns to left, sings)

Am dis what it come to, eh? ‘Bamah, ‘Bamah!

PAN across faces as CLINTON starts to cry.

OBAMA

(turns to right)

De pressman, he bin mos’ unkin’ ta po’ lil’ ‘Bamah dey!

(FX: taped applause.)

Waal, hush mah mouth if’n ev’body ain’t havin’ a pop at yaz truleh - ev’n massah Jon Stewart on de Daily Show!

(staggers to his feet, palms outspread)

An’ de Fox News Channel, dey’s jes’ de bunch’a low-down, disloyal heathens!

(FX: canned laughter.)

GATES

Mr President, I cannot allow you to insult Fox’s trusty Glenn Beck, America’s oracle of truth!

(FX: uproarious laughter.)

OBAMA

DEY COWARDS, TRAITORS AN’ FAILURES!!

CUT TO

GATES

Mr President, this is outrageous!

CUT TO

OBAMA

De media am de scum o’ de ‘Mer’can people!

(throws papers over shoulder)

Not de shred ob honour! Dem call deyselves journalists. Years at de PBS local news channels, jes’ to learn to read de autocue and keep de deadpan face!

CUT TO M/S. Inner cabinet.
CUT TO
SCENE 2010C INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. SLOW PAN across worried faces.

OBAMA

(off-camera, muffled)

For months de media dey hinder mah plans!! Lawd, dey put ev’ kinda obstacle…

CUT TO
SCENE 2010D INT OVAL OFFICE. OBAMA raps desk with cane.

… in mah way!

(drops onto one knee, raised outstretched palm to ceiling)

Lawks an’ lawdy! What ah shoulda oughta done, ah oughta done sucked up to massah Rupert Murdoch, liken as ol’ Mistah Bush done did!

(waves angrily at cabinet, sits down)

Me, ah nevah done paid much attention to de loony right-wing press. Yet ah have risen - Lawd, AH HAVE RISEN - to the presidency all bah mahself! Hallelujah!

CUT TO M/S. CLINTON.

(Uncomfortable pause.)

CUT TO M/S. BIDEN.

Traitors!

CUT TO M/S. OBAMA.

Man oh man, ah done been betrayed an’ deceived from de verah beginnin’!

CUT TO M/S. Inner cabinet.

What de monstrous betrayal o’ de ‘Mer’can pres’dent! But Lawd, dat traitor General McChrystal he gwine PAY!

M/S OBAMA.

Ah done gonna reassign him down ‘Weezyanna way! HE GWINE DROWN HISSEL’ WAY DOWN YONDER IN DE ROLLIN’ BRITISH OIL!!

CUT TO
SCENE 2010E INT CORRIDOR o/s OVAL OFFICE. C/S DAVID CAMERON, crying, and NICK CLEGG.

CLEGG

Gosh, Dave - I say - do calm yourself, old chap.

(FX: canned laughter.)

CUT TO
SCENE 2010D INT OVAL OFFICE. M/S Inner cabinet. Uncomfortable pause.

OBAMA

Mah awdahs done fall on deaf ears.

C/S. OBAMA, down on one knee and shaking head resignedly.

Under dese circumstances, Lawd, ah ain’t no longer able ta lead de way ta de promis’ land… it over.

CUT TO M/S. CLINTON, uncomfortably looking around at inner cabinet members.
CUT TO M/S. BIDEN, ditto.
CUT TO M/S. PETRAEUS and GATES, ditto.

De time fo’ change… am lost.

CUT TO M/S. BIDEN, nervously adjusting cufflinks.
CUT TO M/S. wide-eyed, bootblack-faced OBAMA, springing to his feet and pointing cane into distance.

But laydeez an’ ge’lmen! If you believe dat ah gwine leave Afghanistan, you am se’sly mistaken! Gen’l Petraeus, suh, you go do what you likes bes’ – you go an’ blow sum’ dey towelhead brains out!

Enter chorus line of high-kicking soldiers, raising OBAMA shoulder-high and carrying him off to huge taped applause, as HILLARY CLINTON breaks into show-stopping international song-and-dance routine.

England World Cup Team Dedicate Predictably Ignominious Defeat To Troops In Afghanistan

With a touching lack of irony, the England squad has responded to messages of support from serving UK troops by affirming that our brave boys’ and girls’ ongoing effort in Afghanistan is inspiring them to struggle against insuperable odds towards inevitable defeat and a humiliating withdrawal.

“Although I am unable at this time to offer a firm timescale, I am confident that Wayne Rooney and the others - whose names escape me - will at some point in the not-too-distant future be making a low-key return to Britain with their tails between their legs,” promised Fabio Capello. “When that happens, be sure that I will do my best to assure you that something worthwhile was achieved.”

Afghanistan War Escalates As British Journalist Death Toll Passes The 1 Mark

As British journo fatalities in Afghanistan passed the psychologically-important landmark figure of 1 today with the death of Sunday Mirror war correspondent Rupert Hamer, Britain's top editors firmly rejected calls from some quarters to bring our hacks home.

"Rupert's tragic death highlights the terrible risks our brave hacks and hackettes routinely face every single day that they're not embedded in a Kabul hotel lounge, cutting and pasting an army press release and fearlessly adding their byline," said Sunday Mirror editor Tina Weaver from her plush London office. "But this incident only stiffens our resolve to send out another 10,000 journos to churn out in-depth articles about the terrible risks our brave hacks and hackettes routinely face as they churn out a familiar stream of hackneyed clichés about the terrible risks our brave troops routinely face when occupying somebody else's country."

The heroic correspondent - who died when an Improvised Explosive Device (known to plain English specialists as a 'bomb') blew up beneath his vehicle as he was accompanying US troops on patrol - was affectionately known as 'Corporal Hamer' to Mirror desk-wallahs, and as 'another goddam liability' to the troops who were tasked with protecting him, as if they didn't have enough on their plates already.

"We're hoping that the good, patriotic people of Wootton Bassett OBE will make an extra-special effort when Rupert's remains are flown home and paraded through the streets in a coffin solemnly draped with a Sunday Mirror banner and any female C-list celebs we can get at short notice," added Ms Weaver. "And if Islam4UK want to call for a counter-march to highlight the number of deaths of Afghan journalists which have gone unreported, our inbox is always open for a good inflammatory story that makes people hate ordinary Muslims more."

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Defence has strongly criticised the media for issuing our brave hacks and hackettes with inadequate equipment, as it emerged that Mr Hamer's netbook was still running the obsolete Windows XP.

Overconfident Coyote Allowed Bin Runner To Escape, Says Report

A hard-hitting Senate report concludes that a series of incompetent blunders by US Defense Secretary Wile E. Rumsfeld allowed his cheeky arch-enemy, Osama Bin Runner, to get clean away in 2001.

The report claims that when 100 US commandos had the pesky Bin Runner cornered in a remote, rocky wilderness with only one road in and out, rather than sending in more reinforcements as requested, the defense coyote instead saw fit to issue several lucrative contracts to Acme - a company with close ties to the Bush administration - for a long line of expensive technological solutions with wildly-unrealistic chances of success.

Unhindered by the Rumsfeld's ill-advised deployment of naval cannon, rocket cycles, dynamite-carrying arrows, unfeasibly quick-drying cement and grand pianos, the Bin Runner eventually escaped when the Rumsfeld rather stupidly painted a tunnel on an escarpment with a sign saying "Short Cut to Pakistan". As the confident Rumsfeld gave chase, the Bin Runner inexplicably escaped into the painting while his pursuer - predictably - ran at full tilt into the rockface, injuring himself further by setting off a small landslide.

"We now have no idea of that darned Bin Runner's whereabouts," said John Kerry, head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. "Is he in Pakistan's lawless tribal areas? Or is he hiding inside the cliff itself? We just don't know."

Wile E. Rumsfeld was unavailable for comment today, as has been plummeting to the bottom of a very deep canyon since the end of the Bush presidency. Several senators are now calling for the Obama administration to censure the former defense coyote, possibly by dropping a 1-ton anvil after him.

Best Equipment In The World Ordered For British Troops

Every British soldier serving in Afghanistan will shortly be issued with their own Hallibritish Aerocockheed FU-9, the most advanced raghead-shafting machine ever built, said a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence this evening.

"Happy now?" he demanded.

No Outrage Over Obscene Bonus Culture of Print Media

Obscene salaries and unjustifiable bonuses are rife in the world of print journalism, it was not revealed today by MPs, bankers, the Ministry of Defence or the BBC.

"Smug, overexposed celebrity columnists like Jeremy Clarkson and David Blunkett fill our pages, while Our Brave Boys And Girls are dying out there," said one of Rupert Murdoch's paid mouthpieces this morning. "I think our readers would very much like to know how much of the iniquitous cover fee goes straight into these fat cats' pockets. Well, tough tits. It's none of their business."

"Our Brave Boys And Girls don't get bonuses for putting their lives on the line every day in Afghanistan," screamed Richard Desmond, proprietor of the Daily Express, Big Ones and Asian Babes. "But it's better that you don't ask how much 'danger' money our reporters get for the life-threatening assignment of sitting on their well-guarded asses in Camp Bastion and sending back uncritical rewrites of the day's press releases."

Meanwhile, Alan Rusbridger, editor-in-chief of Guardian Media, mounted a robust defence of the discredited financial geniuses who wrote nothing in their columns to predict the global meltdown.

"These are the most gifted economic forecasters in Britain," he said. "If we disclosed that their huge salaries and bonuses bear no relation to their actual abilities, they might very well decide to up sticks and emigrate to the Wall Street Journal or the International Herald Tribune - and then British reporting would be in a sorry state."

"As for their expenses, journo hacks are only acting within strict guidelines," he added, "Which allow reasonable remuneration for necessary costs, such as treating a spin doctor to dinner in a rather pricey West End restaurant in return for a leak he was going to divulge anyway."

Pressure is also mounting on Rupert Murdoch's son James - chairman and chief executive of News Corporation Europe and Asia - to disclose how much is being spent on redecorating his second home, Britain, in a vulgar shade of blue to match his personal taste.

Sun Readers Baffled By Concept of 'Writing'

Puzzled Sun readers were left slack-jawed today, after the leading literary journal of Britain lashed out at PM Gordon Brown over a strange new concept called 'writing'.

The row broke out after the deranged prime minister callously sent a wicked letter of condolence to the grieving mother of dead soldier Janie James, which he had - cynically - written with something called a 'pen'.

"Wot the focks this ere say innit?" demanded Jaqkueee Jimjams in a video clip posted on the paper's website, waving a piece of paper covered in funny squiggly marks.

Sun readers have spent the morning trying to decipher the strage marks on the piece of paper - so far without success.

"WHY OH WHY couldn't this evil BASTARD use a PRINTER?" screamed the paper's editor Dominic Mohan. "It's an INSULT to every single DEAD British HERO! The Sun Says: STRING this vile MONSTER up from a LAMP POST!"

"This issue is ABOVE politics," he added. "But it does PROVE, beyond a shadow of A doubt, that Labour are the NASTIEST FUCKERS to ever stalk God's good EARTH. Vote CONSERVATIVE."

A spokesman for Number Ten later told reporters - and a man from the Sun with a colourful set of crayons - that the prime minister had later done the right thing and sent Ms Jam a proper message of condolence via text message: "soz 4 ur lad :`-("

Shock As Abdullah Twins Pull Out of The X Ballot

President Hamid Khazi has been declared the winner of Afghanistan's popular talent-for-cheating show, The X Ballot, after twins Abdullah & Abdullah shocked the UN elections panel by pulling out of the contest in floods of tears.

"Obviously it's not quite the result we were hoping for," said UN observer Simon Cowell. "But I'm glad those bloody obnoxious Abdullahs are out of the picture at last, after all the troublesome allegations they made about voting fraud in the first round. Let me just say I personally checked all of President Khazi's votes, and I can assure you that his signature appears on every single one."

US President Barack Obama was the first foreign leader to congratulate Mr Khazi on his victory, although he later told reporters: "It is far from ideal for such a deeply-divided land, blighted as it is by impoverishment and disorder, to be governed by a somewhat discredited leader who lacks the legitimacy of a proper democratic mandate."

Britain's Gordon Brown has so far declined to comment.

Brave Army Hero Blames Nobody But Himself

A former squaddie who served in Afghanistan has today sensationally pointed the finger of responsibility squarely at himself, for joining the army in the first place.

Former trooper Chalky White took time out from his civvy street job of patrolling a shopping centre in Sheffield to tell reporters: "There was me at 16, wi' nowt but a GCSE in kickboxing, an' years of pissin' about in school left me wi' two choices - signin' on in the 'ope of findin' a minimum-wage McJob one day, or gettin' silly money for joinin' up an' gettin' me own gun an' that."

"Perhaps I should of stopped to ask meself why the money was so good," reflected Trooper White. "But the adverts said I'd be pissin' about on a tropical beach all day, surrounded by fanny. I takes one look at the manky trolls on the estate an' I'm straight down the recruitin' office shoutin' 'Where do I sign, mate?' Next thing I know, I'm marchin' round Helmand wi' towelheads all around tryin' to blow me cobblers off, like."

"Reckon I must of bin a reet twat not to see that comin'," he admitted ruefully.

"I 'ad some daft notion that I'd come out o' the service set up for life, too, wi' a cushy job, page 3 models queuein' up to drop their knickers for me an' everyone treatin' me like a celebrity," he continued. "Instead I get a couple 'undred nicker, a stroppy bird what shouts at me for gettin' under 'er feet all the time I'm 'ome, an' cheeky nippers tryin' to nick me cap when I'm at work. All a bit predictable, really."

"I s'pose if I'd o' thunk about it, there in't a lot of civvy jobs where the ability to strip an SA80 wi' a blindfold on is a must," he mused.

Controversially, Trooper White refused to lash out at the MoD for failing to supply adequate equipment, politicians for sending troops out to fight pointless foreign wars, or protesters for demonstrating against the occupation of Afghanistan.

"Since when 'as the British soldier ever 'ad an abundance of the best kit?" he asked. "Us already spends more on defence than any other country in Europe, there in't a bottomless pit y'know. As for the rest - well, in't that the democracy we was out there fightin' to protect? It's never been no different, like."

"I seen some good mates killed out there," he added with a shrug. "Well, that's what we got paid for. Can't say I'm 'appy 'bout it, but shit 'appens."

Obama Vows To Make Tough Decision With A Sense of Urgency, But Not Yet

On the eve of the eighth anniversary of the invasion, Barack Obama has vowed to act with a sense of urgency at some unspecified point in the future when it comes to deciding the United States' strategic plans for Afghanistan.

President Obama told key members of Congress that he had ruled out pulling any or all American troops out of the strife-torn country. As he has not agreed to increase US force commitments either, he has effectively ruled out the only two options presented to him by General Stanley McChrystal, his top commander in the combat zone.

"I promise to be rigorous and deliberate when it comes to the difficult decision, from which I will not shirk, of deciding when I will take the necessary step of making up my mind on what we may or may not do," said the straight-talking president, "Commensurate, of course, on any future events which may happen but have not happened yet. The hat is a challenge that lies before the American people. And together we can be equal to that challenge. But I will not take the easy path and give the American people the false hope that it might contain some kind of rabbit, metaphorical or otherwise as it may be. America, I humbly ask you to work with me on this, hand in hand. Doing nothing is not an option, therefore I will not do it. Hey, is that the time already? Meeting closed."

Petrol-Tanker Slaughter Proves Middle-East War Not About Oil After All

Chastened NATO chiefs are investigating an airstrike in which as many as 40 Afghan civilians were reportedly killed when two petrol tankers captured by the Taleban unexpectedly exploded after being shot at.

"We thought petrol tankers only exploded like that in the movies," said a baffled spokesman for the International Security Assistance Force. "Then Colonel Ripper said he's seen Last Action Hero, and when Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the real world, bullets fired into a car just left little holes and the car drove away. So our pilots just fired a few bursts of 30mm into the tankers, thinking all the petrol would just pour out into the sand."

"Imagine their horror when there was a fucking great explosion," he continued. "They were shocked and awed to see so many towelheads running about screaming, with their towels on fire. In fact it was all they could talk about on their way back to base. They were talking about it in the mess, they were talking about it in the PX and they're still talking about it on their Facebook profiles."

The local Isaf commander is reported to have observed only insurgents in the area before calling down the airstrike, he added.

"The standard-issue M380 combat kaleidoscope which he used is infallible," he said. "It looks like a normal set of binoculars to the untrained eye - but when you turn the lenses, you see dozens of brightly-coloured little terrorists with Kalashnikovs tumbling over themselves in pretty patterns."

"Still, at least the destruction of these tankers should finally put a stop to all those whining liberals back home who keep telling the American public that the conflict in the Middle East is all about oil," he added.

Brown Outlines War Aims

In a keynote speech defending the government's strategy on Afghanistan, prime minister Gordon Brown has stymied his critics by outlining Britain's aims, calling them "realistic and achievable".

With 212 British soldiers now dead in the ongoing conflict and yesterday's resignation of defence aide and former soldier Eric Joyce, Mr Brown has been under increasing pressure to explain why Britain remains committed to a war many feel it cannot hope to win.

"Only this week I was in Afghanistan myself, bringing cheer to our hard-pressed heroes by announcing that I would be committing more troops to the theatre of operations," smiled Mr Brown. "No longer will they be distracted from achieving our aims by getting rotated out of Afghanistan at the end of their tour of duty. From now on they can stay in the front line until the job is done."

"You can imagine their happy faces when they heard that," he added.

Those War Aims In Full

1. to Greet Every New Day With a Smile;
2. to Eat Three Square Meals a Day;
3. to Take It As It Comes;
4. to Never Let The Bastards Get Us Down;
5. to Think Only Happy Thoughts;
6. to Turn Challenges Into Opportunities;
7. to Go To Work On An Egg;
8. to Drop One Dress Size by Christmas [insert year here].

Ex-Soldier Resigns From Defence Post

Falkirk MP Eric Joyce, a former army officer, has resigned as parliamentary aide to Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth, questioning the government's strategy in Afghanistan. In his resignation letter - published below - he questioned Gordon Brown's arguments for keeping British troops in the strife-torn nation:

Finished With The War: A Soldier's Declaration

"I am making this statement as an act of wilful defiance of military authority because I believe that the war is being deliberately prolonged by those who have the power to end it. I am a soldier, convinced that I am acting on behalf of other soldiers. I believe that the war upon which I entered as a war of defence and liberation has now become a war of aggression and conquest. I believe that the purposes for which I and my fellow soldiers entered upon this war should have been so clearly stated as to have made it impossible to change them and that had this been done the objects which actuated us would now be attainable by negotiation.

"I have seen and endured the sufferings of the troops and I can no longer be a party to prolonging these sufferings for ends which I believe to be evil and unjust. I am not protesting against the conduct of the war, but against the political errors and insincerities for which the fighting men are being sacrificed.

"On behalf of those who are suffering now, I make this protest against the deception which is being practised upon them; also I believe it may help to destroy the callous complacency with which the majority of those at home regard the continuance of agonies which they do not share and which they have not enough imagination to realise.

"Lt. Siegfried Sassoon, 3rd Battalion Royal Welch Fusiliers, July 1917."

A spokesman for the Ministry of Defence said that a place was being prepared in a mental institution for Mr Joyce, who was clearly suffering from Pre-Election Stress Disorder.