‘I Thought Grumio And Clemens Volunteered To Serve My Household To Gain Vital Workplace Skills,’ Claims Shocked Caecilius

Caecilius poenitens est

Lucius Caecilius Iucundus, the head of a wealthy Pompeiian household familiar to generations of young Latin scholars, has told scribes how shocked he was to learn from plebeians - who burst into his atrium yesterday and occupied his triclinium - that he has never actually paid his villa workers Grumio and Clemens a single denarius for their services.

“Many years ago I came home after hard day’s counting money at the office, to find these two young people had moved into a cubiculum at the back of the villa,” said Caecilius. “My dear wife Metella convinced me that they came knocking on our door one day, desperately keen to gain vital 24-hour-a-day experience in a typical domestic workplace environment. Imagine my horror when some poetry-scribbling dole scrounger - who was squatting in my favourite lectus - shouted that my wife had in fact bought them, body and soul, in a Slavecentreplus auction.”

“Naturally, I intend to start paying these key members of my household staff ten sesterces a week for their valuable services, starting the day after tomorrow,” he offered. “Although I reserve the right to make deductions from Grumio’s salary for drinking me out of house and home as he cooks my dinner. And I also reserve the right to beat him severely. That's my commitment to furthering his education.”

“I never spoke to them, except to give them an order, so I can solemnly swear in the names of all the gods that I never had the faintest idea they weren’t in my household of their own free will, nor that I never paid them a thing for all their labours,” insisted a red-faced Caecilius. “May the earth split open and swallow me if it’s not true.”

News International To Launch Sun On Sunday, Shut Down Sun On Monday

Corruption-hit News Corporation today announced the imminent launch of the Sun On Sunday, to be followed immediately by the closure of the Sun on Monday.

The new Sunday edition will fill the lucrative gap in the market for fraudulent celebrity tattle and right-wing propaganda left by the demise of the News Of The World. Meanwhile, the disappearance of all other editions will leave a lucrative gap in the market for fraudulent celebrity tattle, right-wing propaganda and tits.

There's going to be more fun and less difficult words in the Times

Rupert Murdoch - who is in London to reassure the Sun’s criminal staff that they have his unwavering support, right up to the moment when the jury finds them guilty - is said to be formulating urgent plans to realign the Times to fill the weekday gap, replacing long words and journalism with the astute observations of teenage breasts, before six million idiots who rely on tits for their daily opinions are forced to trawl the internet in search of porn with a neo-conservative agenda.

Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Now Official Romanian Currency

In Bucharest, this is a month's wages

Chewing gum stolen from Britain’s supermarket shelves has been formally adopted as Romania’s official currency by the former Communist state’s government, consisting of the Gypsy King and his dancing troupe of violinists.

“Ever since I shot the Communist dictator Ceaușescu and his ugly wife, my country’s economy has been based on the fraudulently-obtained t-shirt,” said the Gypsy King. “But, in recent years, the UK’s economic woes have led to a significant shortfall in the number of households willing to contribute unwanted clothing to what they fondly think is some sort of charity collection.”

“This has led to runaway inflation here in Romania, with the result that this rare Download 2007 Festival t-shirt I’m wearing represents 2% of our capital reserves,” he explained. “My sultry young daughter Rosa, the finance minister, thought about making goat droppings into a monetary unit, but the fiscal markets of the world are strangely reluctant to exchange our beautiful sacks of shit for dollars. It wasn’t a problem at all as far as the euro was concerned, but frankly we’d rather keep our abundant goat crap, thanks, because we get a bit more warmth out of that when we burn it.”

Meanwhile, as gangs of enthusiastic Romanian currency dealers continue to strip Britain’s shelves clean of gum, chancellor George Osborne is said to be keenly examining what economists are already calling 'the Romanian economic miracle' as he formulates his latest austerity budget.

“I’d strongly advise everyone to stock up on Tic Tacs,” predicted Rob Blind, a senior global currencies dealer at Sainsbury’s Bank. “We’ve got a 3 for 2 deal on mint multipacks this week. It could be the investment opportunity of your worthless lives.”

Sky Bids For Exclusive Rights To Chisora-Haye Gunfight

Broadcasters are desperately trying to outbid each other for the TV rights to the forthcoming shoot-out between British boxing rivals Dereck Chisora and David Haye, following their exhilarating display of top-level professional brawling at a press conference in Germany.

Don't miss the highlights on Sky Sports 1

The date and venue for the thrilling display of world-class marksmanship are undecided at the moment, with experts urging both participants to arrange their eagerly-anticipated deathmatch before one or both participants is jailed by the German authorities.

“As da challenged party, Haye gots da privilege of nominatin’ toasters,” explained a spokesman for the World Duelling League from the organisation’s headquarters in Corcoran State Prison, California. “He might, fo sho, be choosin’ da traditional option of rapiers, but today’s discerning sport hos is wantin’ automatic weapons and fast whips. For me, da dope biscuit gots to be – and indeed has been - a Uzi nina outa da back seat of a Lex.”

“I don’t know what kind of pussy wheels ma limey dogs gots, though,” he admitted. “How much rubber can a Mini burn when you rollin’ outa a 187?”

God Orders Churches To Welcome Congregations With Minutes Of PCC Meetings And Matters Arising

God has sensationally waded into the ongoing public debate about compulsory prayers in local government, by instructing His ordained representatives to begin all acts of worship with a reading of the minutes of the last Parochial Church Council meeting.

God may also demand apologies for absence

Congregations must, according to God’s plan, then be asked if there are any matters arising from the PCC’s minutes which they wish to discuss before the first hymn.

Many churchgoers, however, have complained that, in these modern times, the arcane thoughts of a tiny group of elders have little or no relevance to their busy lives.

“I’m an anarchist. Why should I be forced to pay lip service to a hierarchical bureaucracy in which I don’t place the slightest credence?” demanded an aggrieved Rev. Harry Davidson, the rector of Stiffkey. “Who does God think He is anyway - Eric Pickles?”

Guilt-Ridden Costner Vows To Avenge Whitney Houston By Sailing World’s Oceans Until He Tracks Down Evil Sheriff Of Nottingham

Not actually a suspect at this time, say LA police

Wracked by guilt over failing to prevent Whitney Houston’s tragic death because he is only a fading Hollywood celebrity and not actually a real bodyguard at all, a tearful Kevin Costner today told the singer’s grieving family and fans that he has acquired a trimaran, and will not rest until he tracks down the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham and slays him, bringing peace at last to the ocean realm.

“During the long years of my quest I shall be accompanied by a faithful pet wolf,” sobbed Costner, who cannot breathe underwater and is a terrible shot with a bow and arrow. “I hope my wolf will help me to eventually come to terms with my overwhelming feelings of remorse and give me some sort of closure, through the healing power of interpretative dance.”

RAF To Buy Whole New Aeroplane

David Cameron has given the Royal Air Force permission to purchase an entire new aeroplane, and a very impressive one it is too.

There could even be room for a couple of penguins

The aeroplane – which will increase the RAF’s fleet of ex-rental C-17 Globemaster III heavy-lift transports to a fearsome eight – is necessary for the humanitarian evacuation of civilians and sheep from tiny war zones 8,000 miles away in the South Atlantic whose runway is not quite long enough to handle chartered civil airliners, explained the prime minister.

A spokesman for the big aeroplane’s manufacturers commented: “After a hiatus of 67 years, Boeing and the United States are glad to once again be sending the mighty 8th over to help Britain’s war effort. As previously, we’ll send you the bill later.”

Meanwhile, overjoyed RAF top brass are busy preparing a massive recruitment campaign for two pilots and a loadmaster.

Noel Gallagher Validates Nation’s Grandfathers

Music was better under Margaret Thatcher, according to Britpop granddad Noel Gallagher, and what’s more, everybody had proper haircuts.

Noel Gallagher - still banging out top tunes

“A’ tell thee this for nowt, there wor a proper woork ethic back in ‘em days,” observed the former Oasis guitarist, as he took a break from watching documentaries on Yesterday to light his favourite pipe. “’Ef tha wor oonemployed lak, ‘appen t’ obsession wor to find woork - man’s woork, y’know, lak down t’ coal mine she wor shuttin’ down, not poncin’ about sum fancy call centre lak a big girl’s blouse.”

“An’ t’lasses, ‘em knawed them’s place wor in t’ hoom, bringin’ oop t’ babby an’ scrubbin’ t’ khazi out back yard an’ all,” he reminisced fondly over a pint of foaming ale.

“Back when a’ wor a nipper, y’d see bloomin’ great steam locomotives go thunderin’ over t’ viaduct, driver on t’ footplate wi’ ‘is Hofner electrical guitar gizmo - as e’d purchased on t’ never-never from Kays catalogue - plugged int’ firebox for practicin’ riffs from ‘Smoke On t’ Water’ lak for t’ annual dinner an’ dance down t’ ASLEF Social Club,” explained the 90s legend, adjusting his flat cap. “Young ‘uns nowadays, tappin’ them’s jungle-drum loops into Ataris an’ Megadrives an’ what-‘ave-you – ‘appen ‘em en’t got a bloody clue as to what a proper middle eight is.”

Dads and granddads are now explaining to their sceptical children that Noel Gallagher is a national treasure, and Britain will be a poorer place when he dies.

Britain Celebrates Timely Death Of Previous Monarch

King George VI and Mrs VI

The nation is united today in celebrating King George VI considerate death from cancer, which enabled his daughter to spend sixty years sitting on a big golden chair as her realm declined into imbecility.

“By all accounts the queen’s dad was a thoroughly decent stick who looked like Colin Firth and beat Hitler by overcoming an embarrassing speech impediment,” said every news presenter today. “George VI died as he lived, putting his beloved country first, firm in his belief that what post-Imperial Britain needed to sit and watch its inexorable decay was a hot young thing rather than some diffident chinless wonder.”

Royal observers say the queen feels exactly the same, much to the chagrin of Prince Charles.

Pupils Lose Interest In Dickens After Fourth Letter

Explore beyond the Dick, younger readers

Mrs. Tomalin - the lady biographer of Mr. Dickens, the Empire’s leading light of literature and letters – has this-morning bemoaned the standards which prevail among our wayward offspring; telling The Nev Filter: “It is oft said that all our hopes and dreams of advancement in this cruel earthly existence reside in our dear, sweet children. Yet it is my sad duty to inform your readers, that these youths are so abjectly deficient in attention; so lamentably devoid of the Christian virtue of persistence; that even that meagre amusement which they are disposed to take in our greatest living writer, has utterly spent itself even before the fifth letter of his name is read.”

After being revived by a dose of smelling-salts, Mrs. Tomalin ejaculated: “Loving parents! Shield, I implore you, your little ones from the sinful distraction of toys! The kaleid-o-scope may seem to you like a harmless diversion; yet its ever-tumbling shimmer is but a snare for impressionable young minds - a snare from which, once caught, their attention can never flee! Banish also the whipping-top and the hoop-la, I say! The ungodly fever of excitement which they whip up in innocent childish minds, leads inexorably down that sordid alley to pollution of the self. Oh my; I’ve come over so queer.”

Following the opening of a window, a restorative draught was fetched for the stricken lady moralist. After partaking of several glasses, however, Mrs. Tomalin was hastily ejected from the premises of this journal in a most parlous state of moral abandon, having wantonly loosened her stays in the shocked presence of your humble scribe.