Britain's shop, Tesco, today lifted the gloom of the recession-hit nation by reporting that its profits had risen by over 10% compared to last year, reaching £3.4bn.
"Hooray for Tesco innit!" cheered impoverished shopper Sammi-Jo Potts, as she added a loaf of Value Range Medium Sliced Chipboard to her trolley-load of Specially Selected Premium Quality Apple-Free Italian Cider. "Wotjer mean, 'ave I got like proof uv age? I got a two-year-old nipa, inniy?"
The world's leading economists are eagerly studying the food and booze retailer's published figures, in a desperate attempt to unlock the holy grail of business: the secret formula for making money in a bankrupt country.
Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy, meanwhile, smiled enigmatically as he prepared to charge you 50p for a pint of sodding milk.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Habitual Non-Voters Shamed Into Breaking Lifetime Habit By Inspirational Video Clip
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Monday, 19 April 2010
Labour, Tories, BNP Unite To Denounce Lib Dem Threat To Britain
Gordon Brown and David Cameron today stood shoulder-to-shoulder with BNP leader Nick Angriff to warn voters of the grave threat to the British way of life if they voted Liberal Democrat.
"Make no mistake," urged PM Gordon Brown. "The Lib Dems want nothing more than to disrupt our cherished tradition of democratic dictatorships, trampling the apathy that is the birthright of every British man, woman and child with their wicked plans for a hung parliament."
"Think about it," agreed Tory hopeful David Cameron. "Do you really want complicated and very, very boring issues to be debated daily in the public arena, i.e. on GMTV while you're eating your cornflakes or whatever it is that ordinary people do? No, apparently you want flimsy promotional interviews with actors and Britain's Got Talent hopefuls, or so my valet assures me."
"Obviously I oppose anything that threatens dictatorship, democratic or otherwise," added wonky-faced Nazi leader Nick Angriff. "No, let me finish. Oh - you did."
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg remains unabashed, however, as an opinion poll dreamed up today by the Sun put his evil party ahead at 33% of the imaginary votes people might cast if they existed.
"Bwah ha ha ha," he explained.
"Make no mistake," urged PM Gordon Brown. "The Lib Dems want nothing more than to disrupt our cherished tradition of democratic dictatorships, trampling the apathy that is the birthright of every British man, woman and child with their wicked plans for a hung parliament."
"Think about it," agreed Tory hopeful David Cameron. "Do you really want complicated and very, very boring issues to be debated daily in the public arena, i.e. on GMTV while you're eating your cornflakes or whatever it is that ordinary people do? No, apparently you want flimsy promotional interviews with actors and Britain's Got Talent hopefuls, or so my valet assures me."
"Obviously I oppose anything that threatens dictatorship, democratic or otherwise," added wonky-faced Nazi leader Nick Angriff. "No, let me finish. Oh - you did."
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg remains unabashed, however, as an opinion poll dreamed up today by the Sun put his evil party ahead at 33% of the imaginary votes people might cast if they existed.
"Bwah ha ha ha," he explained.
Send Royal Navy To Pick Us Up Now, Demand Wildly Optimistic Travellers
"My girlfriend and I will be on the quayside at one o'clock sharp, bags packed and ready," snapped irate futures trader Rob Blind, who has been forced to soak up more sun and drink more cocktails in Goa by the evil Icelandic volcano plume. "Cabin for two with a balcony, please. Sort it."
Following a meeting of the COBRA emergency committee, in which it was pointed out that many of the stranded travellers are nice middle-class people who tend to vote in elections, the government later announced that it was sending its three largest warships - assault boat HMS Waterfeature and the pocket carriers HMS Dinghy Royal and HMS Little Britain - on a big circular tour of the world's top holiday destinations to collect all 150,000 ash victims, stack them eight-deep on the hangar decks and return them to their polling districts by 6 May at the latest.
"Travellers may experience a certain amount of discomfort," admitted navy spokesman Admiral Insurance, "Especially the ones who have to stand all the way on the flight deck."
Meanwhile, airlines are beginning to question the actual danger posed by the plume, after a British Airways 747 landed safely following a test flight through the ash cloud with chief executive Willie Walsh lashed to the tail fin, roaring defiance at the elements.
"If anybody was going to be hurled to earth and smashed to bloody chunks, whether you believe in God, karma or Mother Nature, then that person would surely be me," snarled the unharmed executive as flight attendants unstrapped him and gave him oxygen. "But behold, minions and trade unionists - I live!"
"Bloody hell," he added. "Give me some more of that oxygen, love."
Saturday, 17 April 2010
New Daleks Recalled By Toyota For Safety Checks
Already reeling from a new wave of product-recall scandals, Japanese car giant Toyota tonight announced that it was suspending production of its brand new range of Daleks amid concerns that the lumbering, oversized monstrosities may topple over and hurt somebody.
The new Toyota Dalek had only just been revealed to the world, following months of secrecy, when a white-faced man with a clipboard rushed in and announced the latest tragic design defect.
Toyota's newly-appointed head of production Stephen Moffat, 9, told reporters: "This is a terrible embarrassment for Toyota. The Dalek is a much-loved script vehicle which has, up until now, remained largely unaltered since the sixties. When our new team took control of Toyota production, we adhered to the age-old maxim of 'If In Doubt - Fuck About' and set out to create a boldly modern - yet at the same time reassuringly traditional - reinterpretation of a classic design icon. The new Dalek offers 50% more interior space than the previous model, yet achieves improved gas mileage through the innovative replacement of metal bodywork by lightweight plastic mouldings."
"Unfortunately, however, our researchers have just uncovered an alarming tendency for the new Dalek to fall flat with a resounding thud," he concluded sheepishly.
Toyota executives say they are trying to recall the few production Daleks in existence, with a team of scientists working round the clock to develop a galaxy-wide recall notice which can travel throughout the entire fabric of the space-time continuum.
The new Toyota Dalek had only just been revealed to the world, following months of secrecy, when a white-faced man with a clipboard rushed in and announced the latest tragic design defect.
Toyota's newly-appointed head of production Stephen Moffat, 9, told reporters: "This is a terrible embarrassment for Toyota. The Dalek is a much-loved script vehicle which has, up until now, remained largely unaltered since the sixties. When our new team took control of Toyota production, we adhered to the age-old maxim of 'If In Doubt - Fuck About' and set out to create a boldly modern - yet at the same time reassuringly traditional - reinterpretation of a classic design icon. The new Dalek offers 50% more interior space than the previous model, yet achieves improved gas mileage through the innovative replacement of metal bodywork by lightweight plastic mouldings."
"Unfortunately, however, our researchers have just uncovered an alarming tendency for the new Dalek to fall flat with a resounding thud," he concluded sheepishly.
Toyota executives say they are trying to recall the few production Daleks in existence, with a team of scientists working round the clock to develop a galaxy-wide recall notice which can travel throughout the entire fabric of the space-time continuum.
Daily Express Offers 'Free' Coffin For Every Reader
With millions of decent, middle-class English people already lying dead in the streets, their corpses covered by a fine layer of deadly toxic ash, the Daily Express is today offering a free coffin to every reader who would rather not be known to future generations simply as a misshapen, Pompeii-style cast.
"Make no fucking mistake. Every living British thing in Britain will be dead by Monday - with the exception of all the bloody immigrants, who are used to this sort of climate," warned Richard Desmond, the philanthropic, saintly proprietor of Express Newspapers and Television X. "Yes, even I will die an agonised, lingering death, my lungs choked with red-hot volcano spew - because my sodding private jet has been grounded by self-serving health-and-safety jobsworth bastards. That quango-loving cunt Gordon Brown will get a bollocking over this in my papers all next week - and that's a fucking promise, sunshine."
Mr Desmond was then led away to Boujis by two gorgeous, pouting models, to contemplate the remaining hours of his life with atypically hedonistic abandon.
Some Express readers, however, expressed their anger when they discovered that the so-called 'free offer' required them to travel to their nearest participating cemetery and purchase a £25 shovel before they could take possession of their coffin.
"I'm not impressed," moaned Express reader Sid Goebbels, 75. "Although, to be fair, I did get a bonus wedding ring from the coffin's previous occupant. But I bet those EU Hitlers have already ordered our quisling government to give free burials to every illegal immigrant in Britain."
"With a complimentary 21-gun salute, too, I shouldn't wonder," he added. "Is this what I fought a war for? Even if I was only 10 when it ended."
Meanwhile, 250,000 Icelanders are reported to be casually strolling around their exploding country without a care in the world, no doubt chuckling to each other about the imminent cancellation of their enormous debt to the UK - which is now destined, tragically, never to be collected.
"Make no fucking mistake. Every living British thing in Britain will be dead by Monday - with the exception of all the bloody immigrants, who are used to this sort of climate," warned Richard Desmond, the philanthropic, saintly proprietor of Express Newspapers and Television X. "Yes, even I will die an agonised, lingering death, my lungs choked with red-hot volcano spew - because my sodding private jet has been grounded by self-serving health-and-safety jobsworth bastards. That quango-loving cunt Gordon Brown will get a bollocking over this in my papers all next week - and that's a fucking promise, sunshine."
Mr Desmond was then led away to Boujis by two gorgeous, pouting models, to contemplate the remaining hours of his life with atypically hedonistic abandon.
Some Express readers, however, expressed their anger when they discovered that the so-called 'free offer' required them to travel to their nearest participating cemetery and purchase a £25 shovel before they could take possession of their coffin.
"I'm not impressed," moaned Express reader Sid Goebbels, 75. "Although, to be fair, I did get a bonus wedding ring from the coffin's previous occupant. But I bet those EU Hitlers have already ordered our quisling government to give free burials to every illegal immigrant in Britain."
"With a complimentary 21-gun salute, too, I shouldn't wonder," he added. "Is this what I fought a war for? Even if I was only 10 when it ended."
Meanwhile, 250,000 Icelanders are reported to be casually strolling around their exploding country without a care in the world, no doubt chuckling to each other about the imminent cancellation of their enormous debt to the UK - which is now destined, tragically, never to be collected.
Friday, 16 April 2010
Bruno Ganz Declares War On Internet
Screaming his message of hate in German, the Swiss actor-turned-warmonger declared that he was "no longer prepared to endure this humiliation at the hands of every pissy little wankstain who's figured out how to add captions to video clips."
With the launch of yet another tiresome and predictable YouTube posting - in which, predictably, the tiresome actor appears to be ranting about the predictable shortcomings of the tiresome Apple iPad via a tiresome sequence of predictable subtitles - it is now estimated that there are now more mashups featuring Ganz than the total audience numbers for Downfall, the film about Hitler's final days in his Berlin bunker, from which the predictable scene has been tiresomely ripped.
All over the world, shocked fans of the clips are reeling before the actor's lightning assault.
"That Hitler guy just cracks me up every time," whimpered netfugee Dave Ork, a freelance website designer from Hoboken, N.J., pathetically clutching his only remaining possession, a hastily-ripped DVD+R of his favourite non-amusing bunker rants. "I so agree with everything he says. Like, why would anyone want to exterminate me?"
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Monday, 8 February 2010
Heather Mills Enlists Celebrity Friends To Raise Disability Awareness Whether They Like It Or Not
Britain's showbiz community is living in fear of Heather Mills tonight, after the one-legged Beatle-shagger threatened to challenge popular misconceptions about disability - by maiming as many celebs as she can on a reality TV show she devised during a rare break from counting Paul McCartney's former money.
"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."
High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:
"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."
High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:
- Jeremy Clarkson struggling to expound his arsey, cocksure worldview as his genitals are located and removed from their denim confinement with the aid of tweezers;
- Fern Britton's dietary techniques revealed once and for all when her skin is slowly unpeeled;
- a drooling Stephen Fry sitting awestruck by Alan Davies' encyclopaedic knowledge, after being forcibly and severally trepanned with a Black & Decker drill;
- Cheryl Cole grunting like a sow on heat as her Autotune is unplugged by an expert sound engineer;
- Katie Price's plastic breasts trying to marry the next man they meet, once the rest of her has been surgically removed with extreme prejudice.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Labour Giants Deliver Keynote Sobs To TV Addicts
Stores are running out of mops and sponges today, as the British electorate grimly prepares to be deluged by floods of crocodile tears from senior Labour figures in the forthcoming general election.
Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.
After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.
While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.
Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.
A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.
"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."
Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.
After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.
While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.
Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.
A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.
"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."
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