Great Naked Emperor Britain Vows To Bankrupt Little Boy From Iceland

Clearly worth every penny

A furious Emperor Britain shook his fist today at the cheeky little Icelandic boy who has, once again, inconveniently pointed out to the whole world that all the Mighty Emperors in the world are strutting about without so much as a fig-leaf to cover their fiscal embarrassment.

“Look, everyone – can’t you see the emperor’s bollocks?” yelled the impudent young islander, as he stubbornly refused a second invitation to see – as every sensible grown-up agrees – that each and every citizen is naturally obliged to spend the rest of their lives paying for the ruinous schemes of a small number of greedy, conniving tailors.

Dressed in his most illustrious robes of majestic dignity, a fuming Emperor Britain instructed his Lord High Chancellor to issue a writ against the irresponsible little twerp. The courts are expected to force young master Iceland to live out his days in penury - paying for the hugely expensive clothes which everybody else insists are not only of breathtaking richness, but absolutely necessary for the dignified conduct of the world’s affairs.

“Just because this tiresome little boy from the back end of nowhere has had a bit of an education and reads a lot, that hardly qualifies him to tell people who are much bigger and older than he is that the glorious robes of economic intervention don’t exist,” snapped a leading herald, speaking for the entire community. “If these marvellous robes of capitalism simply aren’t there, how come everybody but one little child is convinced they are absolutely real? Are we all complete idiots?”

‘Oh, Please Don’t Throw Us Into That Briar Patch, Brer Britain,’ Plead Chuckling Icelanders

The citizens of Iceland are still wearing shit-eating grins today, after Foreign Secretary William Hague threatened to use Britain’s veto to block their hard-up nation’s hideously expensive application for membership of the European Union.

The sanction was proposed at the EU summit in Brussels on Friday, with Mr Hague warning that – as far as Britain and Holland, the two countries worst-hit by the collapse of pretend bank Icesave, were concerned – Iceland’s eventual membership would be strictly contingent on meeting its financial obligations.

“After the inevitable collapse of our stupendously imaginary banking system two years ago, my share of the national debt is currently about 116,000 of your British pounds,” smiled brennivín-soaked Odd Thorgeirsson, as he staggered from one jam-packed Reykjavík bar to another. “Thank you, Mr Hague - you magnificent English baldy twit - for threatening to spare me the extra £16.60 that this Kr990m EU application was going to cost me.”

“Nobody here but our stupid government wanted to join anyway,” belched his friend, Þrud Bárbarían, amiably. “We have more than enough corrupt idiots ruining our lives already, thanks.”

In the meantime, other European financial ministers are said to be earnestly discussing the possibility of applying Mr Hague’s membership condition to £800m-short Britain itself.

Daily Express Offers 'Free' Coffin For Every Reader

With millions of decent, middle-class English people already lying dead in the streets, their corpses covered by a fine layer of deadly toxic ash, the Daily Express is today offering a free coffin to every reader who would rather not be known to future generations simply as a misshapen, Pompeii-style cast.

"Make no fucking mistake. Every living British thing in Britain will be dead by Monday - with the exception of all the bloody immigrants, who are used to this sort of climate," warned Richard Desmond, the philanthropic, saintly proprietor of Express Newspapers and Television X. "Yes, even I will die an agonised, lingering death, my lungs choked with red-hot volcano spew - because my sodding private jet has been grounded by self-serving health-and-safety jobsworth bastards. That quango-loving cunt Gordon Brown will get a bollocking over this in my papers all next week - and that's a fucking promise, sunshine."

Mr Desmond was then led away to Boujis by two gorgeous, pouting models, to contemplate the remaining hours of his life with atypically hedonistic abandon.

Some Express readers, however, expressed their anger when they discovered that the so-called 'free offer' required them to travel to their nearest participating cemetery and purchase a £25 shovel before they could take possession of their coffin.

"I'm not impressed," moaned Express reader Sid Goebbels, 75. "Although, to be fair, I did get a bonus wedding ring from the coffin's previous occupant. But I bet those EU Hitlers have already ordered our quisling government to give free burials to every illegal immigrant in Britain."

"With a complimentary 21-gun salute, too, I shouldn't wonder," he added. "Is this what I fought a war for? Even if I was only 10 when it ended."

Meanwhile, 250,000 Icelanders are reported to be casually strolling around their exploding country without a care in the world, no doubt chuckling to each other about the imminent cancellation of their enormous debt to the UK - which is now destined, tragically, never to be collected.

Naïve Icelandic Bumpkin-in-Chief Actually Believes All That Democracy Guff

Iceland's rustic president, Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, today acknowledged a petition - signed in a matter of days by a quarter of the entire electorate - by vetoing a parliamentary decision to borrow $5bn to cover the tiny island nation's bank debts and charge it to the taxpayers.

On hearing the news, the UK government - to whom much of the money is owed - reacted with incandescent fury.

"What in the name of Christ prompted this Nordic village idiot to overthrow a perfectly reasonable business decision taken by the nation's elected career politicians and put the nation's finances to some kind of yokel referendum?" spluttered a puce-faced Gordon Brown. "Britain desperately needs the billions lost by Iceland's stupid, irresponsible bankers to replace an insignificant fraction of the hundreds of billions lost by our own stupid, irresponsible bankers."

"This dangerous democratic experiment absolutely must not be allowed to happen," concurred business secretary Lord Mandelson. "Who knows what might happen if a quarter of the British population, instead of moaning harmlessly on Facebook about how shit everything is, took it upon themselves to march up to the head of state's official residence, knock on the door, apologise for interrupting their viewing and give them a piece of their collective mind? Well, they'd be arrested or shot before they got within shouting distance, actually, but that's beside the point."

"Unlike quaint, unsophisticated Iceland, of course, as a mature democracy Britain has plenty of high walls, railings, police and armed troops to keep the peasantry away from their unelected head of state, who has neither the political power nor the will to change things anyway," commented chancellor Alistair Darling. "So you can forget any notions of giving vent to your feelings about your elected representatives letting the banks off scot-free and making you and your children pay for their cock-ups for the next fifty years or so."

"Every few years, we kindly let you decide which pack of self-serving MPs can suck up to the world of high finance in the hope of a few juicy directorships when they eventually get given the boot," he added. "That's quite enough democracy for Britain, thank you very much."

Reports that the UK is considering punitive measures against its northerly neighbour - including a puffin embargo and threatening to perform the blood eagle on Plymouth Argyle midfielder Kári Árnáson - are, as yet, unconfirmed.

Incompetent Government Resigns In Shame

Iceland’s ruling coalition has collapsed, it was reported yesterday, making it the first government to fall victim to the economic crisis engulfing the world. Conservative prime minister Geir Haarde announced the resignation of his entire cabinet, following the failure of talks with coalition partners.

The whole Icelandic economy, which switched from fish to financial speculation overnight in the nineties, fell apart last year when the financial world suddenly realised it had blown all its money on a tiny island whose entire assets amounted to a flock of manky sheep and a volcano.

“In hindsight, perhaps it was just a little ambitious for a nation whose population could all fit inside a football stadium to think it was bursting at the seams with latent financial wizards capable of outsmarting the sharpest money-markets in the world,” admitted Mr Haarde. “Unfortunately, with hindsight, it appears we would have fared better if we’d stood back and let the sheep run our economy.”

As a consequence of its actions, Iceland is now caught in the grip of a currency crisis and rocketing unemployment, with daily protests mounted by enraged citizens.

Britain’s Gordon Brown, however, said he was confident that a similar collapse of government could not happen here.

“Resignation? How quaint,” he smiled, “Nobody resigns any more. You’d have to drag me kicking and screaming from office, because I’ll be clinging to the door frame by my fingernails, and you’d better believe it.”

“Of course, the other unique factor in the case of Iceland was that the population actually got up off their arses and rioted right in front of the parliament building,” he went on. “No chance of that happening here, of course. In the unlikely event of the British public dragging themselves away from footy and celebrity rubbish for long enough to mount a protest in Westminster, the Met would make short work of them thanks to all those new Tasers we coincidentally gave them a couple of months ago.”

Public Warned Not to Give Money to Iceland

People living in England’s coastal resort towns were alarmed today to find themselves being accosted for money by the small North Atlantic nation of Iceland.

After its central bank raised the domestic interest rate to 18% as a condition of its recent $2bn loan from the International Monetary Fund, the financially-embarrassed country’s prime minister Geir Haarde said it needed to raise another $4bn to remain solvent.

Early morning walkers taking the bracing air in Skegness were surprised to be accosted by Iceland, looking dishevelled and dragging a whale on a string, begging for a pound which it claimed it needed for bus fare.

Later, the itinerant lava outcrop turned up in Great Yarmouth, where it disturbed passers-by with requests for loose change for a cup of tea. Police warned it that it was committing an offence under the Vagrancy Act and told it to move along.

After squeezing itself through the English Channel, Iceland then reappeared in Torbay later this afternoon, asking people for money to phone its mum, and was beaten up by irate scousers for nicking their prime pitch. The RSPCA were then called to take the whale into protective custody.

Britain Declares War on Iceland

As the Icelandic government nationalised another bank in a desperate measure to save the tiny country from imminent bankruptcy, Gordon Brown today declared war on the beleaguered island state.

The prime minister is hoping that his last-ditch attempt to secure its assets - if it has any - will protect the estimated £3bn invested by greedy Britons in Icelandic banks whose interest rates looked, and indeed proved to be, too good to be true.

“I have dispatched a task force to the North Atlantic on a mission to occupy this dangerous rogue state, which I am sure will prove to have been solely responsible for all of the world’s present troubles,” he told reporters as he emerged from an emergency COBRA briefing. Our elite force will tie up in Reykjavík’s historic harbour in the Old Town district, walk straight past the customs officer and seize the historic, psychologically-important Gaukur á Stöng bar before taking the strategic heights of the revolving Perlan restaurant, situated on top of the city’s water tanks with commanding views of the surrounding landscape.

“From there an armed patrol will set out to capture the hated tyrant, President Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson - which shouldn’t be difficult, as his residence is in the middle of nowhere and if you ring on the doorbell and he’s up, he answers it himself.”

“We shall also topple his statues, if there are any,” he added. “Otherwise we could always drive over to the airport and push the Jet Egg sculpture over. That ought to show the puffin-munching bastard who’s in charge.”

Mr Brown then handed the war briefing over to commanding officer - and sole member - of the invasion force, Alistair Darling.

“I’m ready to take on anything,” explained the confident chancellor. “I’m pretty handy with the old four-by-two, so any saga-spouting fanatic who stands in my way had better look out.

"Once I have seized the reins of power of Iceland, I shall have total economic control of the lucrative salmon-fishing permit and hand-knitted sweater industries. I am sure that if I look hard enough I will find documentary evidence that Iceland was planning to use its weapon of mass destruction - the Hekla volcano - to spread a toxic sulphurous cloud across Europe, and then we can put the evil Grímsson on trial and hang him from the nearest tree. If we can find one.”

When asked by reporters if perhaps the British government could just follow Iceland’s example and nationalise all the banks, Mr Darling rushed off hastily, saying he had to launch his rowing-boat before the tide went out, or the Russians or Swedes might get there first.

Russia Buys Bankrupt Island Nation Nobody Has Heard Of

Iceland, a country nobody has ever heard of, has been bought by Russia after its entire banking-based economy collapsed.

The small, volcanic island - situated on the edge of the Arctic Circle, halfway between New York and Moscow - was settled by itinerant Vikings in 874 AD, and then completely forgotten by the whole world until quirky pop sensation Björk started yelping like a dog having its bollocks repeatedly slammed in a door.

In the 90s Iceland recklessly abandoned strips of salted cod as its units of currency and adopted the share instead, basing its entire economy on the charmingly naïve premise that the worldwide trading boom could not possibly end.

This morning, however, Icelanders woke up to find that they and their entire country were worth absolutely nothing whatsoever. The Russians quickly moved in with an offer to buy the whole country for 50 roubles, which was gratefully accepted by an emergency meeting of the Althing on the dingy, rain-swept Thingvellir plain.

“We put big missile here, here and here,” smiled new owner Vladimir Putin as he studied a map of Iceland. “What is this, please? Does this say ‘Keflavík U.S. Navy Airbase‘? I do not think so, somehow. Deliver eviction notice immediately. You still want new cold war, Mr Bush? I think maybe, hmm, not so sure now, yes?”

BBC Has Pure White Polish Christian Blood on its Hands, Claims MP

A Conservative MP has blamed the BBC’s “liberal elite” for rising number of attacks on Poles living in Britain.

Daniel Kawczynski, speaking on the Today programme, said that BBC bosses “would not do stories about more controversial immigration” and skirted round the issue by giving undue prominence to what he called “White Christians from Poland”.

“The BBC’s PC brigade has stoked up the fires of racism by its repeated insistence that, just because Poles are the largest single national group, they are in some way legitimate targets for discussion,” he argued. “What about the rising tide of Icelandic immigrants? Only last month, there was a twofold increase in their numbers as a couple of them arrived on the same flight. They come over here, with their blatant grasp of everyday colloquial English, their unashamedly alien enthusiasm for renewable energy sources and their dangerously un-British 100% literacy. Next thing you know they’re down in the park, surrounding the ornamental fountain and hunting our native British whales to the brink of extinction. Yet not a word of this rising tide of Icelandism from the BBC thought police.”

Mr Kawcynski was subsequently detained by the police for racial stereotyping in his suggestion that Poles were white and Christian, following a complaint from a group of black Jedi plumbers from Krakow.