Next Dr Who Could Be Unborn Foetus, Hints Matt Smith, 5

At least we might see some character development

Dr Who fans are as uncritically enthusiastic as ever about the suggestion by five-year-old actor Matt Smith – who has played the legendary Time Lord ever since he could speak – that the next incarnation of the Doctor may be portrayed by a foetus.

“It would save the BBC loads and loads and loads of money, because the baby Doctor would be all inside his mummy’s tummy and, and she could be his new assistant, and then they’d only have to pay her and the Doctor wouldn’t cost them anything, and then they could buy a new monster,” explained the child star, on the eve of filming the latest gripping season of adventures in which the fresh-faced time traveller will meet his most formidable adversary yet – bossy Mrs Tomkins, the classroom assistant – on his first day at school.

“I can’t give too much away, or scary uncle Steven who makes up all the words says I can’t have any fizzy drinks for a month,” cautioned little Matt conspiratorially, as he ate up his greens in preparation for the rigours of his hectic filming schedule. “But ‘Casualty’ is made next door now, and I saw him asking lots of questions about the thing they put on mummy’s bump if you’re going to get a new brother or sister and it shows you funny pictures. So that’s what I think is going to happen.”

“I want a poo,” he added.

Tired Daleks Enjoyed Afternoon Nap, Look Forward To A Spot Of Gardening

And afternoons are half-price at the council swimming baths

The Daleks woke up from their first nap in 48 years at teatime, thanked Dr Who writer Steven Moffat for granting them a rest and told reporters they were off to the garden centre tomorrow morning to buy some bedding plants for the garden.

“We-are-still-a-bit-kna-ckered,” commented one Dalek after resting his eyestalk for a few hours, “But-to-night-we-are-hav-ing-O-val-tine. We-will-have-a-bloo-dy-good-kip.”

“I-am-go-ing-to-ta-ckle-the-weeds-af-ter-lunch,” it added. “They-will-be-ex-ter-min-a-ted.”

Some Daleks feel this is a bit energetic, however, and have formed a faction which urges staying in and watching Jeremy Kyle and repeats of Antiques Roadshow.

“Take-it-ea-sy, Ke-vin,” they urged the leader of the gardening Daleks. “You-will-do-your-ca-sing-an-in-ju-ry.”

The interview was interrupted, however, by the groaning and wheezing arrival of the TARDIS.

“It-is-the-Doc-tor,” said Dalek Kevin. “We-asked-the-poor-bu-gger-o-ver-for-tea. He-is-gett-ing-a-bit-crea-ky-too.”

Dr Who To Face Deadly Sock Puppet This Christmas

Worse than cybermen

Matt Smith, the child actor who plays much-loved TV character Dr Who, has spoken of his excitement over doing battle with one the time-travelling hero’s deadliest enemies from the past – a sock puppet known to the Doctor’s forty-something fanbase as Lamb Chop.

In the series’ keenly-anticipated Christmas special - which producers created by tearing random pages out of Charles Dickens’ famous seasonal story, A Christmas Carol, and changing a few names – the popular Time Lord will come face-to-hand once more with his terrifying cotton nemesis, whose chillingly mild-voiced dialogue will be spliced together from old recordings of deceased sock-puppeteer Shari Lewis.

“Sure, the Doctor fought Lamb Chop in the sixties,” said Smith, 9, in response to critics’ claims that the money-spinning series’ production budget had been reduced by BBC bosses to a shoestring. “Apparently it’s one of those fuzzy Patrick Troughton episodes that the BBC taped over in the seventies. Ask Frazer Hines, he was in it.”

“Probably,” he added.

Criticism Of Doctor Who Unjustified And Silly and Smells Of Poo, Claims Writer

Dr Who lead writer Little Stevie Tuffet has hit back at TV’s Mr Clever-Clogs, Stephen Fry - who claimed in his Bafta Television Lecture that the long-running series was “entirely infantilised” - calling the BBC’s resident grown-up “a big stinky poo-faced poo.”

“Mr Smelly Brainbox says that grown-ups want something surprising, savoury, sharp, unusual, cosmopolitan, alien, challenging, complex, ambiguous, possibly even slightly disturbing and wrong,” wailed young Stevie from behind a locked bathroom door. “Well, Mr Farty-Face, I went to the nice lady in the costume department and told her I wanted every single scary monster in all of space in the whole universe so I could put them in the bestest finale ever. You couldn’t fit more aliens in a telly than that, even if it was a really big telly that filled a house.”

“We even dusted off Spike Milligan’s old Pakistani Dalek,” he continued, after a loud snotty sniff. “He’s right at the back, on the left, hiding behind the Abzorbaloff from series 2, which was my really brilliant idea that I sent to Blue Peter when I was 5.”

“That was how I won Russell T Davies’ job,” he added proudly.

Mr Fry briefly tore himself away from writing his memoirs to point out that, since the arrival of potato-faced Matt Smith, the new Doctor had used his sonic screwdriver to light torches, incapacitate reptilian soldiers, solve simultaneous equations, post tweets, weld his ginger sex-crazed assistant’s legs together, redecorate the TARDIS, build a portable telly that could see invisible space turkeys, mix cocktails, survey a lost Roman fort for Time Team, sign autographs and remove earwax. “Oh, that’s imaginative scripting, is it?” he chortled. “My iPad can do all that. I’ve seen better writing fall out of a Christmas cracker.”

“And another thing, Mr Stephen Bumhead Fry,” countered Little Stevie in a note written on toilet paper and pushed under the door, “If you want disturbing, what do you think could be more unfair than being shut in a room for ever and ever just for blowing up the entire universe and everything, which you didn’t even do? If that isn’t the biggest threat the Doctor has ever faced in his whole life ever, I’ll eat my entire collection of exciting new Dr Who merchandise, available in shops now, prices to suit all pockets.”

“And as for unusual, challenging and wrong – space Spitfires!” he yelled, before bursting into tears again and banging the toilet seat down really hard.

Thousands Complain About Return of Dr Who's Old Enemy

Dr Who fans are still reported to be hiding behind the sofa, two days after witnessing the terrifying return of the Time Lord's deadliest enemy, Graham Norton.

"My little Timothy hasn't stopped crying since," said Mrs Edna Timms, who has complained to the BBC after the cliffhanger ending of Saturday's episode saw the horrific creature - rendered in state-of-the-art CGI - suddenly leap up and prance around in front of Matt Smith. "I've had to phone B&Q and explain why poor Timmy hasn't turned up for work today."

The 52-year-old child is only one of thousands of sad cases brought to the attention of the BBC by angry retired parents.

"We like to throw in the odd surprise," said Steven Muppet, lead writer of the highly-profitable marketing vehicle. "And the return of the dreaded Graham Norton was long overdue. He hasn't been on Dr Who since he memorably talked over the opening scenes of Christopher Ecclestone's first episode way back in 2005."

"And many of our viewers are a bit too old to remember that," he added.

New Daleks Recalled By Toyota For Safety Checks

Already reeling from a new wave of product-recall scandals, Japanese car giant Toyota tonight announced that it was suspending production of its brand new range of Daleks amid concerns that the lumbering, oversized monstrosities may topple over and hurt somebody.

The new Toyota Dalek had only just been revealed to the world, following months of secrecy, when a white-faced man with a clipboard rushed in and announced the latest tragic design defect.

Toyota's newly-appointed head of production Stephen Moffat, 9, told reporters: "This is a terrible embarrassment for Toyota. The Dalek is a much-loved script vehicle which has, up until now, remained largely unaltered since the sixties. When our new team took control of Toyota production, we adhered to the age-old maxim of 'If In Doubt - Fuck About' and set out to create a boldly modern - yet at the same time reassuringly traditional - reinterpretation of a classic design icon. The new Dalek offers 50% more interior space than the previous model, yet achieves improved gas mileage through the innovative replacement of metal bodywork by lightweight plastic mouldings."

"Unfortunately, however, our researchers have just uncovered an alarming tendency for the new Dalek to fall flat with a resounding thud," he concluded sheepishly.

Toyota executives say they are trying to recall the few production Daleks in existence, with a team of scientists working round the clock to develop a galaxy-wide recall notice which can travel throughout the entire fabric of the space-time continuum.

Prime Minister Who: 'I Don't Want To Go'

In an interview with Prime Minister Who Magazine, Gordon Brown has given his backing to David Tennant as the Doctor.

"I would rather have a Doctor who looks good in a suit than a Doctor who looks like his mum's dressed him up for his first Young Farmers' Ball in Taunton," he said as he sat in his untidy bedroom, adding: "I think Matt Smith is a terrifying prospect."

Told that Prime Minister Who was not a fan of his, Matt Smith laughed: "Well, that's a pity, but there we are."

Mr Brown - famous for bringing his trademark brooding dourness to the title rôle of Prime Minister Who since 2007 - is due to be replaced in a few months by fresh-faced young English child actor David Cameron, who is said to be looking forward to capering off around the universe with madcap abandon.

Joyful World Celebrates Casting of New Doctor Who

Months of tense waiting have finally ended, as the BBC revealed who has been cast in the most challenging role that the world of acting has to offer - the part of the eleventh Doctor Who.

"We were looking for a towering colossus of an actor," said Russell T Grant, the dramatic genius who brought the Doctor back to the screens of a grateful world. "A man, woman or small furry mammal who could not only remember their lines, but wear a costume."

"Doctor Who was first played by the brilliant William Hartnell, a man whose costume-wearing abilities were overshadowed only by his ability to look very old," explained the series' head writer, Little Miss Moffatt. "Then the brilliant Patrick Troughton overcame a slight difficulty with remembering his lines by wearing his costume with unsurpassed panache. The brilliant Jon Pertwee established the Doctor as a man of both well-remembered lines and superbly-worn costume. Only the brilliant Tom Baker could have stepped into his shoes, which he did brilliantly by a brilliant combination of costume-wearing and remembering lines.

"Next came the brilliant Peter Davison, who not only wore a costume while simulataneously remembering his lines but added an unique ability to wear a vegetable, Miss Moffatt droned on. "Then the brilliant Colin Baker slid brilliantly into the role, remembered his lines and wore a costume as only he can. Sylvester 'Mr Brilliant' McCoy experimented with wearing his lines and remembering his costume, but that was too much for the BBC under the evil Michael Grade, who caused mass suicides by cruelly cancelling the show. Fortunately, millions of lives were saved when one of the brilliant McGann brothers remembered his lines and wore a costume for over an hour."

"When I brilliantly revived the show," reminisced Russell T Harty, "It was a stroke of genius to cast the brilliant Christopher Ecclestone. He remembered so many lines while wearing his costume that he set a new benchmark - which made the brilliant David Tennent so much more brilliant for not only matching Christopher's brilliance in the costume-wearing department, but also remembering his lines in a foreign language, i.e. English."

"The actor hasn't been born who can fill David's brilliant shoes," added Miss Moffatt, over a plate of curds and whey. "That's why we've taken the daring risk of casting an unborn foetus as the eleventh Doctor. He will take the show in exciting new directions, and we hope that when he is finally born - some time around the end of his first season, possibly - he will deliver his lines and wear a costume in a completely different way whilst remaining essentially true to the spirit of the show, which is to fill an hour in the Saturday evening schedules."

In newspaper offices around the world, all other stories were cleared from the pages of Sunday's editions to break the momentous news to a waiting world. In the Middle East, the Israeli Air Force temporarily suspended its blitzing of the Gaza Strip in order to allow the Palestinians to celebrate the casting announcement. Meanwhile, Gordon Brown, Barack Obama and a tear-stained Robert Mugabe were among the first world leaders to offer their congratulations to the lucky foetus.

The embryonic young actor signalled his delight at being cast in the most demanding, yet coveted role in the history of the world by kicking inside his mummy's tummy and sticking his thumb in a partially-developed eye.

Dr Who Announces He Will No Longer Play David Tennant

The much-loved Time Lord, Doctor Who, has shocked millions of loyal, uncritical fans by announcing that he will be quitting the role of well-known actor David Tennant.

“I’ve had the most brilliant, bewildering and life-changing time playing David Tennant. I have loved every day of it,“ said the fictitious traveller in time and space, adding: “I fear that if I don’t take a deep breath and make the decision to move on now, then I simply never will.”

The entertainment media immediately opened their filing cabinets and reprinted the usual run of speculative articles about who would be the next fictional character to become David Tennant, including the one asking whether it was time for him to be played by a woman.

Uncritical Dr Who Fans Queue Up To See Another Tedious Shakespeare Play

Millions of Dr Who fans with nothing better to do will be descending on Stratford-upon-Avon for the next few weeks to drool over David Tennent reciting his lines on stage in an Royal Shakespeare Company production of Love’s Labour’s Lost, a flimsy attempt at romantic comedy by the world’s most overrated playwright.

The show - which is about three lords struggling to keep a three-year vow of celibacy, but might as well be about the inside of a ping-pong ball for all the uncritical anorak brigade know or care - is a complete sell-out. And the tickets have all been bought, too.

“I’m hoping the Cybermen get at least a walk-on part,” said one fan. “We know they acquired time-travel technology back in the Colin Baker era, so it’s distinctly possible you know.”

Other rubber monsters tipped to create renaissance-themed mayhem for the scruffy Time Lord include Sontarans, Ice Warriors, Sea Devils, a giant Krynoid plant, the Meddling Monk, a mutant pantomime horse and of course the ever-present bloody Daleks, who seem to follow Tennant around like puppies.

“Next year, we hope to bring the bard’s work to an even wider audience by presenting a run of classic plays showcasing the unbounded dramatic talents of the Chuckle Brothers,” announced an RSC spokesman.

Next Week's Audience Delivers Verdict on New Dr Who Assistant

BBC executives danced for joy yesterday as figures showed that 8.4 million viewers watched the first episode of the latest series of Doctor Who.

The episode, which featured new assistant Donna, played by Catherine Irritate, pitted the heroic Time Lord against an army of fat children - a situation familiar to thousands of teachers.

The figures do not include people who recorded the episode for later viewing - perhaps because they were unable to face the thought of watching the wrinkly Tate for three quarters of an hour without frequent breaks. Meanwhile, viewers who watched some original 1963 episodes later on BBC4 said it was more believable and had better acting in those days.

A quick trip forward in time by the Nev Filter, however, revealed audience figures will fall to 250 next week as viewers reflect that maybe ITV’s Primeval wasn’t so bad after all.

“It says something that they had to dangle a glimpse of Billie Piper in front of us to keep us interested,” said one middle-aged fan from the near future. “I could swear - but mum won’t let me use rude words in the house.”

Not all viewers took an instant dislike to the Tardis’ latest passenger, however. “I think she’s brilliant,” said one Dave T Russells from Cardiff.