Humourless Woman Relaxes In Empty Office After Hectic Week Of Third-Party Harassment Complaints

Hatchet-faced office killjoy Rosemary Milquetoast, 51, says she is looking forward to finally getting some work done this afternoon, after a busy but rewarding week in which she has managed to get all of her co-workers suspended for breaches of the new Equality Act which came into force a week ago.

Mrs Milquetoast is looking forward to holding up every claim personally from now on

Mrs Milquetoast, a housing benefits delayer for Reading Borough Council, submitted her first formal complaint at 09.03 on Monday, after irritatingly chirpy temp Martin Green airily blamed his rushed arrival on the time his girlfriend Emma took in the bathroom.

“I’ve never met this Emma person, and frankly I don’t want to,” Mrs Milquetoast told her line manager three minutes later. “Nevertheless, I feel deeply offended on her behalf. Send this evil bigot back to the agency, please.”

“Now,” she added, producing a clipping from the Daily Mail outlining the ramifications of the new law, a legacy of the Labour government which was championed by Harriet Harman.

Before lunchtime, Mrs Milquetoast had instigated disciplinary proceedings against two other colleagues for causing her to take secondary offence on behalf of a teenage son and a neighbour.

“By this morning, there was just Terry Peters on the front desk left to deal with,” grimaced a thin-lipped Mrs Milquetoast. “So I invented an excuse and went downstairs, claiming to be conducting a pencil audit, and instigated a conversation about housing benefit claimants. He chuckled and said that some of them could be a bit stroppy at times. Bingo. I clicked the tape recorder off and hurried back upstairs with the damning evidence. I can’t stand people on benefits myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be mortified for them at this uncalled-for assault on their reputation.”

“And there was an unexpected bonus,” she crowed. “When I presented him with yet another complaint form in triplicate, Mr James, the office manager, had the bare-faced cheek to tell me to my face, ‘You know, Rosemary, I’m just a simple sort of chap. I don’t know how I’ll cope, having 26 staff on indefinite suspension.’ How dare he deprecate himself like that, the poor man? I really felt for him. Naturally I was on the phone to Personnel right away, and I was most gratified to see security escort him from the building at lunchtime.”

Mrs Milquetoast’s peaceful afternoon of proceeding unhurriedly through a growing mountain of housing benefit claims was, however, shattered when she went to make herself a green tea and overheard somebody in the parking permits section telling a colleague ‘that bum-faced old trout next door is having a field day, moaning about whatever anybody utters.’

“It’s a disgrace,” she told a cowering personnel assistant two minutes later. “I don’t have to stand there in the corridor and listen to shocking slanders against poor innocent fish.”

“But from now on,” she added darkly, “I’ll do it anyway.”

Harman To Use Discrimination Laws Against Anyone Commenting On Her Inability To Drive

Equality minister Harriet Harman has warned that anyone who utters a single word about her £350 fine for driving without due care and attention will face the full fury of Britain's anti-discrimination laws and receive up to five years in prison if found guilty of harassing her over the nine penalty points on her driving licence.

Ms Harman - who avoided picking up an additional three points for using her mobile phone whilst driving, thus escaping an automatic ban, because the latter charge was dropped by the Crown Prosecution Service on the grounds of her jolly importance - angrily warned Britain's men to refrain from making the slightest disparaging remark about women drivers, or face the consequences.

Ms Harman, whose jolly importance to the well-being of the nation also includes her role as leader of the House of Commons, already had six points on her licence for two counts of thinking the speed limit only applied to ordinary little people.

The incident took place in July, when Mr Harman collided with a parked car whilst attempting the extremely difficult manoeuvre of driving her ministerial Rover out of a parking space whilst yapping away nineteen to the dozen. The owner of the stationary vehicle saw the collision from his flat, and telephoned the police as she drove away.

"Next time Harriet Harperson wants to conduct her constituency business," he told reporters after the verdict was delivered, "She might want to drop her ministerial car in one of the extra-wide parking bays which are a feature of China's new pink-painted women-only car park, and then catch a flight back to London."

"Or she could just make Britain's roads safer by staying in China," he added, moments before an armed response equality monitoring unit led by newly-honoured Asst Commissioner Cressida Dick burst in and shot him.

'Bloody Men, What Can You Do With Them?' Demands Harman

One of the top two posts in the Labour Party should always be held by a woman, deputy leader Harriet Harman told her book group this morning over an agreeable bottle of chianti.

"Men cannot be left to run things on their own," she slurred, spilling wine on her half-read copy of Pride and Prejudice, while her fellow literature-lovers nodded vigorously in agreement. "Let's face it, they're all useless, the whole bloody lot of them. They prod you in the back with their thing when you're trying to get to sleep after you've slogged your guts out all day long raising a family, they can't move without farting and they actually think it's funny, and they can't even put up shelves without expert supervision by a woman. They're all complete and utter bastards. Hic."

"Of course, they're not totally useless, and every car should be equipped with one in case it breaks down," she added. "Then when it's all covered in oil after topping up the sparkplugs, or whatever it is they do, you can drive off and get a clean new one from Halfords."

"I'm not saying that men should be totally excluded from politics," insisted Ms Harman, waving her now-empty glass around. "After all, you've got to have someone to blame when things go wrong."

"Yes, dear," said a pinafore-clad Lord Mandelson, who was ironing his smile in the conservatory. "Do you mind if I take the car for a little spin this afternoon? I just want to find myself a nice safe seat, so I can take over when that Scottish git at work gets kicked out."

"Well, if you must," slurred Ms Harman crossly, "But for God's sake, do make sure it matches the curtains."

Rock of All Ages, Equally Represented

Cabinet minister Harriet Harman has announced new measures to outlaw age discrimination, as part of the forthcoming Equalities Bill.

Age discrimination has been illegal in the workplace since 2006, except for the government-stipulated lower minimum-wage rates for those under the age of 22. However, the new proposals are aimed at more widespread forms of ageism in the provision of goods, facilities and services.

“It is a disgrace, in this day and age, that people born in lower-numbered years are singled out for differential treatment,” said Ms Harman. “We will abolish the self-evidently discriminatory old age pension, thereby freeing those people to apply for Jobseekers’ Allowance instead. The Senior Citizens’ Railcard - which reinforces negative stereotypes - will be abolished, as will the Young Person’s Railcard. Free local transport for senior citizens locks them into a cycle of dependency, which we will break, giving them the freedom to offer financial support to the transport providers of their choice.”

The Equalities Minister went on to say that the term ‘child’ was inherently hierarchical and would be outlawed, along with the restrictions that accompanied it.

“There are plenty of idiots over 16 driving cars,” she said. “Who are we to deny the freedom of the roads to a sensible 12-year-old? Why does Age Concern discriminate against the young and middle-aged? Why are so-called ‘baby buggies’ not built in larger sizes for adults who tire easily? Why do our armed forces disqualify those who fought with such distinction in World War II from offering their experience to their country, in its hour of need? How can we expect children to obey their parents, if the parents do not obey their children? And why should a committed, loving couple be denied the opportunity to raise a family just because some antiquated, nannying law forbids them from marrying at ten?”

At this point, Foreign Secretary David Miliband sneaked up behind Ms Harman and emptied a large syringe into the back of her head.

“I’m very sorry,” said Ms Harman. “Please ignore everything I just said.”

Is It a Bird? Is It a Plane? No, It's a Nutter From Devon

The British people were celebrating in the streets today after being saved from the evil of Har-Man by a pair of costumed superheroes from Devon.

The hitherto-unknown heroes, ‘Captain Conception’ and ‘Cash Gordon’, used their superpowers to climb a ladder onto the roof of the villainous Har-Man’s secret base in the South London wilderness, where they fearlessly unfurled a banner revealing the inspiring message that a father is for life, not just conception.

“Curses,” hissed the wicked Har-Man, twirling her black moustache and shaking her fist at the caped crusaders clinging to her chimney. “Foiled again!”

The arch-villainess, who as the evil ‘Deputy Leader’ strikes fear into the hearts of millions of ordinary voters, set her inept army of loyal henchmen - the police - against the defenders of Fathers4Justice. In the ensuing battle, in which Har-Man’s crazed followers deployed the dreaded ‘megaphone’, one of the heroes - possibly Cash Gordon (although it may have been Captain Conception) – was dislodged from his rooftop position. However, the other brave comic hero used his special ability to talk to the media on his super-mobile, and said he would remain on the roof until the evil Deputy Leader admitted defeat and read his fallen colleague’s ranting book.

“When she was Minister for Justice, Har-Man refused time and again to listen to our reasoned yelling for the rights of absent fathers to spend quality time with their kids,” shouted Captain Conception, or possibly Cash Gordon. “We successfully brought down Blair the Joker two years ago by fearlessly pelting him with purple flour in the House of Commons, bravely dressing up in silly costumes and recklessly endangering public safety by climbing up tall buildings. Now we have used the recently-published listing of MPs’ second homes to stage this publicity stunt, thereby giving ammunition to those who claimed the information would be abused by any old bunch of nutters. Our actions surely prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Britain’s children need a responsible father figure to teach them the proper way to behave.”