Smokers And Drinkers Tell Eaters: ‘We Warned You This Would Happen’

Only these are safe to eat, until we tell you they aren't

Pinch-faced, goose-stepping health obsessives have finally got round to focusing their anger on the disgusting, weak-willed eaters of food, it emerged today – exactly as smokers and drinkers said was bound to happen, sooner or later.

“The instantly-addictive biohazard, sugar, is destined to kill every living thing on the planet unless we stigmatize the slack-jawed morons who selfishly consume it,” seethed professors Robert Himmler, Laura Goebbels and Claire Hitler of the University of California’s Department of Health Fascism. “Criminalize the scum who recklessly inflict secondary sugar on innocent bystanders as they indulge their filthy habit in public. Kill off the cynical cartoon character, Mr Cube, in favour of full-pack color photos of autopsies. Make it a capital offense to sell candy to kids. Tax it till it farts.”

Heroic members of the smoking and drinking resistance, meanwhile, solemnly went on to explain that the first concentration camps for forcibly converting everyone who still enjoys anything into biofuel are now scheduled to come online in 2020 - five years earlier than planned.

Generous Onanist Offers Copious Supply Of Special Man-Cream

Wee Billy Bampot, 37, a solitary pornoholic from Glasgow, has selflessly offered his bodily emissions to Icecreamists, the fashionable Covent Garden restaurant whose stocks of ice-cream made from breast milk [the rest of this story has been seized by health officials on the grounds of questionable taste]

Iain Duncan Smith Ecstatic At Dawn Of Woman-Milking Industry

Oi'm exhibitin' 'ee up county show, me beauty

As a Covent Garden restaurant sold out of its first batch of £14 ice-cream made from breast milk, Iain Duncan Smith performed a little dance of pure joy at the discovery of a hitherto-untapped job market into which Britain’s legions of workshy council estate breeders can be forced.

“Generations of manky slappers have been getting away with the unpardonable sin of deliberately getting up the duff so they can dodge work for years on end,” declared the jubilant work and pensions secretary. “They drop a litter every year until their poor aunt Jemima turns itself inside out through overuse, jumping to the top of the housing queue and grabbing every benefit going until the state finally deems that their youngest is probably capable of wiping its own bottom, at the age of seven.”

“Well, here’s a job for which they are uniquely qualified,” he crowed. “I see a modern milking shed on every inner-city estate, into which these milk-heavy young sluts can be rounded up twice daily with the aid of an enticing trail of celebrity tat magazines. Nestlé have already expressed an interest, if you’ll pardon the pun, and have even put forward the jolly good suggestion that significant economy-of-scale benefits would accrue if intensive battery-farming techniques were to be applied.”

“All you need is a large-screen telly at the end of the shed showing the entire Jeremy Kyle oeuvre on shuffle play,” he added. “They’ll be as happy as Larry.”

Mr Duncan Smith went on to outline plans to phase out dairy farming completely, freeing up millions of acres of valuable pasture for the country’s supermarkets to build on.

When asked how the milkers’ own young would be catered for, the enraptured secretary of state replied: “I am not a cruel man. Each member of the herd would be allowed to suckle its own calves at allotted times, with a commensurate deduction from their wages. In fact, Robert Wiseman’s have said they would even be prepared to offer discounted special feed, in a scientific effort to improve the yield of future generations of heifers.”

Hedge Funds Invent New Way To Make Life Intolerable

Hedge funds today began to implement their latest wheeze, which is to buy up the world’s entire food chain and amuse themselves by watching you offer increasingly desperate sums of money for it.

The latest inspired development in macroeconomics began this morning, when Armajerko fund manager Anthony Wad became the sole owner of all the cocoa in the world.

“Mmm,” smiled Mr Wad. “Just imagine five billion bars of tempting dark chocolate. Because that’s all you’ll be doing from now on, scum, unless you give me all your money.”

Other hedge funds are already reported to be circling the world’s cereal crops and the vast cattle ranches of South America whilst, elsewhere, fund managers were eagerly donning aqualungs to see if there were any significant fish stocks left worth monopolising.

Science Finally Gets Around To Saying Chocolate Is Bad For You

After an unexpectedly long wait, scientists have finally declared that chocolate may well be bad for you - although, unusually, they also say it might be good for you.

Joyless researchers from the University of San Diego - of course - found that people who eat chocolate on a regular basis (known to medical science as 'women') tend to have more depressive tendencies than those who can take it or leave it (otherwise known as 'men').

"It could be that chocolate is a major cause of depression, turning normal people into horrible whiny emo dorks," said chocolate-smeared project leader Dr Natalie Rose. "It's equally plausible, though, that naturally miserable bastards have discovered that chocolate actually acts as a mood elevator to relieve the crushing sense of futility that is, essentially, modern life. We haven't a fucking clue right now. Give us another research grant and we'll get on it. A few million dollars should provide a definitive answer, for sure. Just make the check out to K-Mart."

A spokesman for the Department of Health told reporters, mostly from the Daily Mail: "Well, there you have it. Chocolate is the leading cause of death in Britain today. With your help, we'll have it reclassified as a Class A drug by Friday."

He was then felled by a swift kick in the gonads by a chocolate-smeared spokeswoman for the Department of Health, who immediately slapped a D-notice on the story and threatened anybody who published a word of it with two to ten years in prison - er - look, just forget you read this, OK?

Thatcher Insanity Traced Back to 1979

Former prime minister Baroness Thatcher was as mad as a hatter even before winning the 1979 general election, according to new papers which fell out of her old handbag.

A note - hand-scrawled in crayon on the back of a vet's prescription for horse steroids - shows that Mrs Thatcher was ravenously consuming 28 testicles a day in preparation for the election campaign which swept her to power.

"It appears that Mrs Thatcher may have got the idea into her head that the way for a woman to succeed in the male-dominated corridors of power was to become a she-man herself," commented a health fascist this morning. "According to cannibal beliefs, a warrior can acquire the characteristics of their enemy by eating the body parts associated with those characteristics."

"Just don't ask what she washed them down with," added the dietician with a shudder. "There's probably a reason why Denis looked so drained back then."

Other documents which fell out of a stuffed diary show dozens of receipts for razor blades, which the diary reveals were needed in quantity to remove the rapidly-increasing growth of hair from her legs, chest and arse.

Obscenely Overvalued Pigs Snap Up Obscenely Overvalued Pigs

As the cash-strapped British public digs deep into its pockets to raise millions of pounds for Haitian earthquake relief, top London grocer Selfridges has come up with an innovative new way to help the City's banking community to flaunt its utter contempt for basic human decency by tempting them to squander £1,800 on a pig's leg.

The world's most expensive ham comes complete with its own DNA certificate proving that it was hacked off the back end of a pig. 50 limited-edition pigs picked out by Spanish bleeder Manuel Malbastardo were humanely spared from spending their brief lives trying not to drown in their own shit, then lovingly slaughtered by sloe-eyed virgins. After being left to ripen for three years, the pig legs were put in made-to-measure boxes made of wood from the one true cross and blessed by three popes, which were then wrapped in aprons handmade from the skin of a peasant by Spain's most unscrupulous tailor.

"Uncaring fat cat bankers will appreciate the melt-in-the-mouth price tag of this truly amazing Spanish pig leg," explained Selfishes' Obscene Food Buyer. "When you think about how much pseudo-gourmet bollocks you'll yammer as you greedily spray gobbets of dead pig all over the impoverished clients to whose accounts you're charging it, it's actually amazing value for money."

9 Out Of 10 Parents Think Coco Pops Are Some Kind Of Food

A chilling survey published today by the British Heart Foundation shows that nine out of ten breeders are such gullible fucktards that simply carving the words 'Nutritional Information' into a kilo of lard would convince them that it was a perfectly safe substance to cram into the faces of their children morning, noon and night.

"Regrettably, it seems you can print anything - or indeed nothing - after the inscription, 'Nutritional Information'," observed a despairing BHF boffin with a proper qualification. "Most parents in Britain are so pitifully dense that they couldn't tell a vitamin from a saturated fat if you hit them repeatedly in the face with a huge, grunting porker - or, for that matter, one of their own globular spawn, which is much the same thing these days."

Other magic words which instantly disengage any remaining brain cells from ringing alarm bells on sugary cholesterol in a packet include 'wholegrain', 'enriched', 'calcium' and 'unleaded'.

"I'm afraid it's got to the stage where parents would happily tip the entire contents of a 500g box of salt into their child's gaping gullet, as long as the packaging reassured them that it contained 'no added salt'," the spokesman went on sadly. "As a rational scientist I'm not a religious man - but in the face of such staggering idiocy, Christ on a bike is all I can think of."

A grinning, fork-tailed minor demon from the Kellogg's Circle of Hell refuted the scientists' claims by pointing out that one tiny Coco Pops Cereal And Milk Bar "actually contains less than two teaspoons of sugar per bar" - prompting millions of Pavlov-conditioned parents to rush out immediately to buy a multipack of the sickly-sweet crap sticks for their bloated brood.

"While you're down Lidl's, don't forget to grab a couple of sacks of raw cane sugar," it roared, with a maniacal cackle. "Mixed into a bucket of Coca-Cola, it like rilly helps your litto man or princess to develop a healthy brain muscle, or whatever."

"And remember, mums - raw cane sugar contains no added colouring, salt or monosodium glutamate," added the diabolical thing, "Which means it's like rilly, rilly good for your litto darlin's girth - oops, I mean growth."

Public Could Safely Swallow More Shit, Admit Nutritionalists

The guidelines recommending how much poorly-researched horseshit the public can safely be fed every day may have been underestimated by as much as a fifth, according to red-faced health fascists.

"For the last eighteen years we have been warning you that if you eat any of this and more than a spoonful of that, you will instantly become a disgusting gutbucket who deserves to lose all their friends, be rejected by their horrified families and mocked by total strangers, only to be held up to media ridicule when the crane comes to drag your flabby corpse from the lonely flat you hid in until you topped yourself in despair," admitted a hollow-cheeked living cadaver from the Pseudoscientific Nagging Committee on Nutrition.

"Now, as a result of some actual research we accidentally funded, it turns out our po-faced propaganda was slightly wide of the mark," he explained through gritted teeth. "You may actually be able to eat a cheeseburger a day and still achieve your tragic ambition of looking like some miserable celebrity clothes-horse off the telly."

"Fortunately, the vast majority of your airhead friends will miss or forget this soon-to-be-buried news item, so you will still be lambasted and shunned if you're caught shamelessly enjoying something tasty and filling," he pointed out, with a mirthless smile. "So our holy mission of making everyone feel thoroughly guilty just for sustaining their miserable lives is still on course."

"Meanwhile, be assured that we'll be compensating for any spontaneous outbreaks of public happiness by generating lots more scary stories about Omega-3 turning your child into a crack whore, or vitamins causing fatal multiple orifice evacuations during sex," he warned, adding: "Making those up is the bit I love most about this job."

Brown Apologises For Brief Daily Respite From Unrelieved Misery of Premiership

Prime minister Gordon Brown has apologised unreservedly to the nation this morning, after inadvertently giving the impression that he might briefly gain respite from his awful existence as a frowning picture of abject misery for one fleeting moment around eleven in the morning.

In a hard-hitting webchat with the shrewd political inquisitors of Mumsnet yesterday, a glowering Mr Brown repeatedly declined to answer probing questions concerning his favourite biscuit.

"So this is me rite - 'awrite mista president high-an-bleedin-mitey Braan or woteva ya name is - jer like Jammy Dojas innit?', an ees all 'juno me eye got rilly fukt rite playin sam fany Scotland vershun uv footy but its like nafin yeah'," said veteran interviewer Sammi-Jo, 16. "Then rite I only arst him agin like seventeen bladdy times an ees still tawkin bollocks. I wood of kep cuttin an pastin all day jenotameen, but I ad to like pick me dorta Angelina Beyoncé ap frum me mums boyfrens ahse an go fra chat wiv me probation offisa innit."

Mr Brown later had an apparent change of heart and posted a message on Twitter, telling his legions of fans that he did enjoy a chocolate biscuit for elevenses with his cup of cold water.

However, this morning Downing Street issued a further clarification, saying: "Mr Brown appreciates that it is more than Britain can bear to imagine him relishing, even for a second, the smooth taste of a chocolate digestive. He apologises for giving people the erroneous impression that he has any notion whatsoever of the concept of pleasure, and would like to reassure the nation that food, to him, is no more enjoyable than filling your car up with petrol, if you can remember the days when you could afford to."

Chip-Powered Environmentalist Reaches Milestone and 32 Stone

An environmental campaigner who is trying to travel around the world in a minibus powered solely by chip fat has now reached Asia - well, Turkey, which sort of counts, technically - and 32 stone.

34-year-old Londoner Andy Gutpag set off with several sacks of King Edwards in his scrapyard-salvaged bus on September 19th. He has since travelled through France, Switzerland, Italy, Croatia, the Balkans and Greece, eating chips like billy-o, and today achieved the dual milestones of reaching the banks of the Bosphorus and getting through his first ton of potatoes.

Mr Gutpag has already faced many challenges on his journey - such as a higher rate of consumption than he originally planned for, which has prevented him from squeezing through the door since Zagreb.

"It's a type of bus that was never particularly efficient when new," he told reporters as he frantically shovelled handfuls of chips into his face. "It's noisy, uncomfortable, slow and it smells like a bus driver's armpit, but when you are using rubbish you can't expect too much."

Mr Gutpag's comments were echoed by reporters who made the mistake of standing too close to the flabby, farting campaigner.

"He's noisy, uncomfortable, slow and smells like a bus driver's armpit," said an appalled lifestyle correspondent from the Guardian. "But when you are eating rubbish you can't expect too much."

If he survives his epic journey without exploding -and after his bus has been cut away from him - Mr Gutpag hopes to circumnavigate the world again, this time in a balloon kept aloft by a non-stop barbecue and a constant supply of natural methane.

Twenty Thousand Western Men Quite Angry About Something Or Other

Cornwall has declared war on its neighbour, after a pasty made by Chunk of Devon beat its Cornish rivals to win the British Pie Awards.

A crack team of Cornish pirates swiftly seized control of the Torpoint Ferry and attempted to sail their prize down the coast to Falmouth, while the crew tried - unsuccessfully - to explain the limited navigability of chain ferries to their captors.

Another guerrilla unit took heavy casualties on Brunel's iconic Royal Albert Bridge as it tried to order the 0730 through service from Paddington to stand and deliver.

The bitter dispute is being fought over where to crimp the famous pastry bag full of leftovers the dog wouldn't eat. Traditional Cornish manufacturers insist that the crimp must be placed along the side of the pasty, not at the top, and nobody else cares.

"Tent furr," said a spokesman for the paramilitary wing of the Cornish Pasty Association. "Eym bugrz inna propurr paasty inum mianzum." Teams of expert linguists have so far been unsuccessful in their efforts to decode the message.

The organisation wants the Cornish pasty to be awarded Protected Geographic Indication as a food unique to the area. Non-Cornish producers agree that pasties made in their native county should have a special name, but suggest that a more appropriate designation for Cornwall's efforts would be 'inferior'.

Devon County Council, meanwhile, was taking a relaxed attitude to the outbreak of hostilities.

"We've got a naval dockyard, several Royal Marine barracks and the UK's commando training centre," explained council leader Brian Greenslade, calmly sipping a cream tea in the sunshine outside the Coaver Club at County Hall. "What have they got? Flambards Aero Park."

Phelps Signs Sponsorship Deal With Entire Food Industry

Michael Phelps, the top-scoring athlete from the Beijing Olympic Games, has signed the largest sponsorship deal in history, ecstatic marketing executives revealed today.

The swimming star, who carried away eight gold medals, can thank his four-million-calorie diet for the unprecedented corporate attention.

“Michael’s big pointy chin will fill the advertising breaks of television stations across the entire world,” grinned a coke-sniffer in a suit. “A typical advertising break might consist of Michael extolling the virtues of Warburton’s Super-Thick, Three-Slice-per-Loaf Toastie Bread, then slurping down a Bucket Noodle, munching his way through an entire 12-pack of Walkers lard-flavoured crisps and biting a sizeable chunk out of a freshly-slaughtered slab of prime beef before downing a jerrycan of Red Bull’s godawful new pretend-Cola in one.”

“Eat, sleep and swim, that’s all I can do,” beamed the 23-year-old sporting phenomenon, before deafening everyone in earshot with a 150-decibel burp which lasted for a full minute.

Prince Charles Warns World About Evil Rich Land-Grabbers

Prince Charles has criticised the spread of genetically-modified crops, calling them “the biggest disaster environmentally of all time”.

The prince said that reliance on multinational corporations for mass production of food would threaten future supplies and wipe out small-scale farming.

“If they think this is the way to go we will end up with millions of small farmers all over the world being driven off their land by rampaging ten-foot radishes into unsustainable, unmanageable, degraded and dysfunctional conurbations of unmentionable awfulness,” said the prince, as journalists reached for their dictionaries. “You can count me out.”

A spokesman for Monsanto was keen to downplay the royal heir’s comments, however, saying: “We’re not taking any crap about genetic disasters from a chinless, jug-eared monstrosity.”

The Duke of Cornwall was unrepentant, however. “Rich people are bastards,” he insisted. “Before you know it, they’ll own the land beneath your feet.”

If I'd Wanted Fries With That, I'd Have Fucking Asked

Fast-food chain McDonalds is bucking the credit crunch, as it announces plans to open 10 new outlets and recruit 4,000 more staff. The chain claims two million more customers a month are passing through its doors – albeit with increasing difficulty in some cases - compared to a year ago.

Although McDonalds puts the increase in numbers down to healthier food and redesigned restaurants, some critics argue that it is merely drawing customers away from more expensive restaurants. Meanwhile, the company’s ‘My McJob’ recruitment drive will try to sell potential recruits a rosy picture of career benefits and opportunities.

“Well, they appear to have sold me a small cardboard box of potato string and a bucket of ice with some Coke lurking in it,” said one newly budget-conscious diner, as he prepared to go down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. “So I reckon they can sell just about anything.”

Africans Sympathise With Britons Forced to Go Without Mineral Water

As Oxfam warns that Britain is struggling to meet the cost of necessities like bottled mineral water, 15 million consumers in East Africa are reported to be reining in their lifestyles by opting to forego luxuries such as food.

“I really don’t know how I’m going to survive the journey into the office without Highland Spring,” said local government officer Gillian Perrier, 30. “How will I replace the sandstone and basalt my body loses through my daily cycle through the traffic? And think of the kids, facing a gruelling 15-minute walk to school - it’s only flavoured Volvic that keeps them from dropping into the newsagents for sweets. I may as well give up altogether and go back to driving the Espace.”

Meanwhile, up to 7.2 million people in Somalia and Ethiopia alone are reassessing their priorities in the face of rocketing prices, drought and violent conflict.

“Property prices are plummeting round here”, complained one Somali villager we spoke to. “My home lost 95% of its value overnight, when the local militia roared into town and fired an anti-tank rocket at it. And my small eco-business has been struggling to survive ever since the rains stopped last year. If this goes on, I may have to let some of my hard-working family go. Still, my heart goes out to those people in Britain who can’t afford mineral water. I’ll have a rummage round and see if I can donate something I can manage without, like a kidney or a daughter maybe.”

Those Earth-Shattering G8 Pronouncements In Brief

And there’s just time to sum up the other announcements from the G8:

1. Robert Mugabe has been very naughty.

2. Everyone should stop wasting food, apart from us.

3. Have you seen the price of petrol lately? Shocking.

"What Food Crisis?" Say G8 Leaders, "This Caviar's Lovely"

World leaders are playing down the deployment of 21,000 police in the Japanese lakeside town of Tokayo to cover the G8 meeting which begins there today.

With rising food and fuel prices likely to dominate the agenda, the heads of state stressed that the worldwide economic meltdown was purely a figment of people’s imaginations, caused by misinformation, bad karma and negative vibes.

“With 21,000 police officers standing between us and the people of the world, anyone would think we were less than universally popular,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown. “Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. The worldwide recession that isn’t happening is not our fault. The Japanese authorities are polite to a fault, and to save delegates from the embarrassment of missing a meeting by accidentally forgetting to set their watches to local time, they will be able to ask a friendly Japanese policeman every three yards.”

“Gee,” said US President George W Bush. “Look at all the nice shiny uniforms. When do we get to talk about putting more missiles into Europe?”

Meanwhile, starving people in the poorest nations on Earth took heart from the message that there was no major recession.

“As the empty plates facing my family are illusions caused by our ignorance of global market forces, I shall just tell them to imagine heaps of delicious food piled high on their plates, and to believe that their stomachs are full,” said a Brazilian peasant, on his way to deliver his crops to a Monsanto biofuel converter.

Children Ignore Rational Arguments For Salad

A survey conducted by London Metropolitan University has left nutrition experts stunned to discover that children seem to quite like junk food.

“This is a profound shock,” said Professor Cressida Broccoli of the University’s Department of Salad Studies. “When we gave kids a choice of mouth-watering bran on a rice cracker or a giant bag of Space Raiders and a Coke, most of them scoffed down the evil snack manufacturers’ toxic concoctions, then threw the All-Bran at us. What kind of creature would prefer artificially-flavoured rubbish in garishly-coloured packaging to a sensibly-sized, healthy portion of wholesome natural ingredients designed by Jamie Oliver?”

Another group of appalled researchers recently discovered to their surprise that, when asked to choose between a suite of brain-training puzzles designed by a leading Japanese education expert and stamping around a virtual battlefield in a giant walking tank, children exhibited a strange tendency to shun mental training in favour of a sickening orgy of graphic violence.

We asked a child to explain his irresponsible behaviour, but he called our researcher a rude name and ran away laughing.

Americans Pots Accuse Kettle Mugabe of Manipulating Aid

Robert Mugabe has been accused by US-based Human Rights Watch of using aid as a political weapon in the run-up to Zimbabwe’s presidential run-off election later this month.

"The decision to let people go hungry is yet another attempt to use food as a political tool to intimidate voters ahead of an election," said Tiseke Kasambala, the group’s researcher for Zimbabwe, a day after Mr Mugabe’s government ordered CARE International to suspend its food-distribution operations, accusing it of backing Morgan Tsvangirai’s campaign.

The organisation went on to say that the concept of using aid as a means of forcing compliance was utterly repugnant to Americans, as their government continued to court the fundamentalist Christian vote by funding only those HIV- and AIDS-relief programmes in Africa that promote sexual abstinence until marriage.