Did Distraction-Seeking Rebekah Brooks Deliberately Induce Birth Of Little Blake's Seven Beckham?

Guns don't come much smokier than this

Speculation is mounting that evil Rebekah Brooks may have cynically tickled an unsuspecting Victoria Beckham’s flaps with a feather duster until innocent little baby daughter Blake's Seven popped out, in a desperate attempt to distract the British public from her increasingly-endangered position at the top of Rupert Murdoch’s crumbling Scum International empire.

Meanwhile, as the ripples from the hacking scandal spread around the world, some of the greatest news stories of the last 30 years are being re-examined for traces of illegal Murdoch handiwork.

Questions now being asked include:

- Has Rupert Murdoch greedily swallowed up all the world’s cash, hurling the global economy into chaos, just to run endless stories blaming the poor, the sick and the disabled?

- Did cynical New York Times reporters secretly plant giant airliner-attracting magnets in the World Trade Center in 2001 in order to get the story of the millenium?

- Was the populist collapse of the Soviet Union hastened by mass airdrops of unputdownable Western-style scandal sheets full of lurid stories detailing the Politburo’s secretary-shagging exploits?

- Did sleazy Sun hacks don ponchos and droopy moustaches and occupy the remote penguin colony of South Georgia just to engineer the Falklands war so they could run their notorious ‘Gotcha’ front page?

- Will we all have forgotten about this by August?

Netunyahu Coins World’s Greatest Understatement

QED

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netunyahu today made the record books, as he told America - with unprecedented understatement – that it “does not understand reality”.

“Mr Netunyahu was talking specifically about Washington’s blithe suggestion that Israel revert to its pre-1967 borders, of course,” commented a spokesman for Ripley’s Believe-It Truthitorium (formerly Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not Odditorium), “But when you factor in all the crap that’s currently floating around about tomorrow’s Rapture and add it to decades of furious denials of the bleeding obvious and equally barmy belief in any old nonsense that they pick up on Fox News Channel – well, to say that Americans don’t understand reality is like… like… No, I’m sorry, there’s simply no adequate simile or metaphor in any known language.”

“Except perhaps the secret language spoken by angels, greys, lizard men and beings from the eleventh dimension,” he added. “Yeah, I bet they know exactly what it’s like.”

David Cameron, meanwhile, was quick to declare Britain’s unqualified and enthusiastic support for whatever load of utter cobblers America thinks it does understand.

Kate Middleton From Another Dimension Whisked Away From Westminster Abbey By Detectives

Christ, there could be hundreds of them

A frightened Kate Middleton From Another Dimension was discovered hiding under a UFO inside Westminster Abbey just minutes from the start of the royal wedding ceremony, according to an unconfirmed source sitting somewhere very close to the organ.

Details are somewhat patchy so far, due to being partially drowned out by the source playing loud bass notes with the pedals, but it appears that sharp-eyed royal detectives spotted the interdimensional interloper trying to blend in with all the other flying saucer-sporting commoners.

As plain-clothes detectives with pillboxes, orchids, boats and objects known unto God nailed to their foreheads converged on the alien imposter the papers are already calling ‘Alternatey Katie’, she emitted an unearthly polyphonic scream and tried to flee – only to run into the upheld ceremonial mace of Inspector Savage of the Royal Protection Squad.

The source insists he heard the doppelganger begging for asylum and claiming that, in Dimension 10, she had barely managed to evade 5,000 police officers who had spent the whole night rounding up every member of the alternative royal family on suspicion of conspiracy to commit a breach of the peace – namely, blocking off the whole of central London and several major arterial roads, forcing shops and businesses to lock their doors for the day, openly calling for millions of people to take to the streets of Britain and causing severe interference to the schedules of the nation’s broadcasters.

A spokesman for Sctoland Yard told our reporter: “Eyes back on the telly, sonny.”

Internet Welcomes World War III

And yes, I feel fine

The entire internet is abuzz with gleeful panic over the surprise outbreak of the third and final world war on the Korean border this morning, with self-appointed experts cheerfully predicting nuclear Armageddon by midnight.

“Thanks to uploads of Fox Channel documentaries on YouTube, I have become a leading authority on ILLUMINATI-orchestrated geopolitics, the BILDERBERG-run military-industrial COMPLEX and the ZIONIST ELDERS who ORDERED Kim Jong-Il to start fucking WORLD WAR THREE by launching an ALL-OUT artillery strike on a small island held by South Korea,” blogged a man who has smoked cannabis for 20 years to cure the cancer he would certainly have caught off the deadly plastic his Pot Noodles come in, if he didn’t smoke cannabis regularly.

“It all makes sense if you’re SMART and track down all the SUPPRESSED sources of TRUTH that the GOVERNMENTS of the world are desperately shutting down EVEN AS WE SPEAK, the fuckers,” he added, above a huge screed of links to dozens of rabid conspiracy-theorist websites which share an endearing lack of basic layout skills.

“Obviously, this is the endgame which represents the culmination of every pothead’s wet dream of mass genocide - engineered by the multinational corporations through their willing puppet, the secret world government,” commented Xogg, an alien from the ninth dimension, as he parked his invisible scout-ship on the lawn of the White House. “I shall be happy to grant interviews later, in which I will tell those of you who are intelligent enough to listen how you can finally transcend your material existence, but first I have to deal with the evil lizard creature in there who appears to you in the skin of a black man.”

Meanwhile, top propagandists from the world’s Zionist-owned media have been clamouring for a comment from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the world’s leading experts on North Korea.

The entire internet exploded later, after being filled to bursting with spectacularly ill-informed arse talk about China.

'Yes, UFOs Are Real,' Admits Government, 'Whatever'

The British government has finally revealed that UFOs exist and alien beings are walking among us, after classified Ministry of Defence files were published this morning.

"Yes, everything you ever read on the internet about alien craft visiting the Earth on a regular basis is true," confirmed Air Chief Marshal James Bigglesworth. "Happy now?"

According to the previously top-secret documents, alien spacecraft sightings peak every time a blockbuster sci-fi movie or TV series is shown.

"When we discovered this correlation, we thought that the extra-terrestrials might be laughing at our wildly-inaccurate speculations," suggested Britain's top pilot. "Although my chum Algy thought they were probably just lonely geeks who had never had a girlfriend."

"But when we tracked them down, we found the truth that was out there to be stranger than fiction," he continued. "They're just chavs joyriding about in nicked flying saucers. When the UFOs run out of dark matter, they're just as happy racing round council estates in ten-year-old Astras. A further search revealed it wasn't just sci-fi epics like Independence Day they were flocking to see. It's anything that the Sun tells them is 'unmissable'. If you go to the cinema today, you'll find them all slurping Coke and hooting inanely at Imagine That. That's your so-called intelligent life from other planets, for God's sake."

"They also love The Jeremy Kyle Show," he continued. "To them, it's a sort of dating show for extra-terrestrials."

To win over any remaining sceptics, ACM Bigglesworth dramatically invaded the Jeremy Kyle studio and tore the face off a slapper who had sex with 12 men a month to reveal a hideous, fork-tongued reptile-thing. His attempts to remove Jeremy Kyle's face were, however, intercepted by security staff.

Conspiracy theorists, however, have reacted with anger to the government's full and frank admission.

"Plenty of well-documented evidence exists of people not sighting UFOs," challenged multi-millionaire author Whitley Streiber. "Even in fiction, you can read the entire works of Jane Austen, Ernest Hemingway, V.S. Naipaul, Virginia Woolf, Tolstoy, E.M. Forster, Tolkien, Jeremy Archer, John Grisham, Barbara Cartland and Andy McNab and not find a single instance of alien abduction or lights in the sky flying in formation at impssible speeds."

"The question you have to ask yourselves is: why does the government want you to believe that UFOs exist?" demanded respected sports commentator David Icke. "This so-called 'evidence' is obviously a cover-up for the truth they don't want you to know, namely that it's all a load of bollocks. In the unlikely event that life exists on other planets, there's no way they could overcome the laws of physics to flit in and out of our solar system at will. And why would they want to anyway? We're too insignificant to matter."

Suggestions that the announcement was nothing more than a cynical smokescreen intended to distract people from the government's woeful mismanagement of the country were strenuously denied by Lord Mandelson.

"Look up there at that strange cigar-shaped object," he shouted, pointing skywards, before running away from reporters.

Moon Reunion 'Faked', Claim Conspiracy Theorists

On the 40th anniversary of mankind's first landing on the moon, conspiracy theorists are carefully examining TV footage to search for signs that the public reunion of the Apollo 11 astronauts was not really shot in Washington DC's National Air and Space Museum at all, but actually took place on the surface of the moon.

"Look carefully at the BACKGROUND," insisted an unblinking Californian feng shui exorcist in a tinfoil hat. "IT'S SOLID BLACK. If this 'interview' actually took place in a 'museum', as the NEW WORLD ORDER want you to 'think' - WHERE are the WALLS? WHERE are the STUFFED ANIMALS in 'glass' cases? WHERE IS TUTANKHAMEN? No, what you're looking at is the EMPTY void of ENDLESS SPACE. Wise up to the 'government' LIES, people, WISE UP."

"Just LISTEN to their delivery when they SPEAK," added a homeopathic dreamweaver from Dorset, who lives with a pack of vegan dogs and a liberated parrot. "It's SLOW and DELIBERATE - JUST AS YOU'D EXPECT WORDS TO BE, if they were 'spoken' in ONE-SIXTH of the earth's 'gravity'. Millions of RESPECTED SCIENTISTS you've never heard of are desperately trying to get people to learn the true FACTS that the 'government' will STOP AT NOTHING to prevent you from knowing, in a series of lavishly-worded $50 BOOKS you can only track down in 'ramshackle' BOOKSHOPS run by hippies, or direct from their WEBSITES."

"And how else can you explain the TOTAL LACK of any discernible ATMOSPHERE in the ENTIRE 'broadcast'?" she added. "They're ON THE FUCKING MOON, obviously. If you don't believe me, ask your NEAREST lizard."

David Icke, the world's foremost expert on conspiracies, is expected to broadcast a definitive rambling statement on the internet soon - because the Illuminati-owned news media are willingly co-operating with a top-secret government D-notice ordering them not to allow him airtime - in which he is likely to provide the world's free-thinking truth-seekers with enough research material to fuel an estimated 30,000,000,000 unwinnable arguments on Facebook.

Evil Sorcerers Imbue Lennon Zombie With Travesty of Life

The lifeless corpse of former Beatle John Lennon has been dug up and reanimated by the sinister One Laptop Per Child Foundation, as part of an inhuman plot to transform an entire generation of African children into the call-centre slaves of the future.

Lennon's leathery cadaver - which is badly decomposed after 28 years in the grave - is being manipulated by malevolent sorcerers into urging the public to buy the brightly-coloured, but almost totally useless, £135 XO laptop for their children. For every cute-but-inadequate computer sold, another will be forced on an impoverished child in Africa.

The foul necromancers say their aim is to create a generation who have the barest level of computer literacy needed to perform simple, repetitive tasks for just enough of a pittance to keep them hovering indefinitely on the brink of starvation.

"Despite our best efforts, the average Indian's standard of living is rising steadily," hissed a serpent-like spokesman for the magicians' unholy cabal. "Soon they will be able to free themselves from the curse of stultifying wage-slavery. We have, however, discovered a huge, untapped stock of humans in Africa - and, as many of its nations offer the added bonus of being run by corrupt, easily-bought governments who care nothing for the lot of their people, these lost souls will be bound to us for the whole of their worthless lives. To get them used to the idea of serving the computer constantly, the human hatchlings will find that they must wind a handle constantly, just to supply it with electricity. Now begone with your insignificant questions, puny man-thing, lest you awaken our cosmic lord's insatiable thirst for blood-sacrifice."

The rotting, soulless Lennon-travesty is set to claw its way into the nation's homes this evening, when the stars are right, dully shrieking its sinister, but seductive, message: "Brains! Brains, brains, brains, brains, brains."

MoD Releases Frisbee and Hubcap Sighting Reports

There have been more than 200 UFO sightings in the UK in the last year, according to freshly-declassified government documents.

Not only have some barmy, wide-eyed members of the British public seen UFOs, but some claim to have done so more than once or even on a regular basis.

“It’s probably got something to do with increased satellite technology,” said a ministry spokesman in a sharp black suit. “Although Freeview is mixed up in it, too. Although most people laugh at UFO and its wildly-inaccurate depiction of 1980, nevertheless - thanks to ITV4’s policy of sticking any old rubbish into its schedules - a new generation of square-eyed telly addicts is discovering Ed Bishop’s dodgy blond wig and Steven Berkoff’s acclaimed breakthrough role as Moonbase Interceptor Pilot #2. And at least it’s not as ropey as season two of Space:1999, with the woman with sideburns who can change into animals.”

Tales of the Unexpected are now widespread in homes across the UK - thanks to ITV2 relentlessly churning out two episodes of the 70s Roald Dahl series twice a day for months on end.

“Keep watching the Skies,” said the man in the dark glasses. “Also the ITVs, the UKTVs and BBC4 whenever they pretend some creaky old 60s twaddle like Adam Adamant is now a cultural landmark.”