North Koreans Convinced Shortage Of Tributes Signifies Imminent Collapse Of Decadent Capitalist Telephone Networks

The lack of fulsome tributes to Kim Jong-il from the rest of the world offers clear evidence that the obsolete capitalist system is finally on its last legs, according to many grieving North Koreans.

Pyongyang's foreign office is waiting to take your call

“For many years now, it’s only been the fatherly advice of the Dear Leader that has kept the outside world from descending into rack and ruin,” explained skeletal swamp-farmer Hong Gil-dong. “Within hours of his tragic demise, it appears the shoddily-built Western communication satellites are already tumbling from the skies. I almost feel sorry for the weeping dictators of the West as they sit forlornly by their dead telephones, unable to contact our glorious paradise on earth to express their pathetic gratitude for the late Supreme Leader’s inspirational statesmanship and to grovel for the Great Successor’s wisdom and guidance.”

“This latest manifest failure of capitalism isn’t surprising,” he added. “After all, we’re still waiting patiently for the criminally bourgeois postal systems of the West to pass on all your solemn condolences for the glorious passing of the Eternal President, and that was 17 years ago.”

“I heard this morning that our Father’s demise has triggered the wholesale collapse of the evil capitalist stock markets,” smiled Paek Sung-hee, a painfully thin bicycle repairer from Pyongyang. “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Internet Welcomes World War III

And yes, I feel fine

The entire internet is abuzz with gleeful panic over the surprise outbreak of the third and final world war on the Korean border this morning, with self-appointed experts cheerfully predicting nuclear Armageddon by midnight.

“Thanks to uploads of Fox Channel documentaries on YouTube, I have become a leading authority on ILLUMINATI-orchestrated geopolitics, the BILDERBERG-run military-industrial COMPLEX and the ZIONIST ELDERS who ORDERED Kim Jong-Il to start fucking WORLD WAR THREE by launching an ALL-OUT artillery strike on a small island held by South Korea,” blogged a man who has smoked cannabis for 20 years to cure the cancer he would certainly have caught off the deadly plastic his Pot Noodles come in, if he didn’t smoke cannabis regularly.

“It all makes sense if you’re SMART and track down all the SUPPRESSED sources of TRUTH that the GOVERNMENTS of the world are desperately shutting down EVEN AS WE SPEAK, the fuckers,” he added, above a huge screed of links to dozens of rabid conspiracy-theorist websites which share an endearing lack of basic layout skills.

“Obviously, this is the endgame which represents the culmination of every pothead’s wet dream of mass genocide - engineered by the multinational corporations through their willing puppet, the secret world government,” commented Xogg, an alien from the ninth dimension, as he parked his invisible scout-ship on the lawn of the White House. “I shall be happy to grant interviews later, in which I will tell those of you who are intelligent enough to listen how you can finally transcend your material existence, but first I have to deal with the evil lizard creature in there who appears to you in the skin of a black man.”

Meanwhile, top propagandists from the world’s Zionist-owned media have been clamouring for a comment from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the world’s leading experts on North Korea.

The entire internet exploded later, after being filled to bursting with spectacularly ill-informed arse talk about China.