Cosmetics Industry Told To Stop Fucking About With Photoshop And Promote Its Ground-Breaking Scientific Discoveries Instead

The Advertising Standards Authority has cracked down on the cosmetic industry’s widespread use of Photoshop to airbrush out even the faintest traces of organic imperfection from pictures of the celebrity owners of the world’s most perfect complexions, urging companies to put more emphasis instead on the revolutionary discoveries being made every day by white-coated geniuses with clipboards in their cutting-edge bioscience laboratories.

Waterfalls like this are vital scientific research tools

“When leading architects working at L’Oréal’s research station deep under the boulevards of Paris have found a way to shift women’s lashes in time - the fourth dimension - with magnets, isn’t Photoshop’s smudge tool a bit low-tech?” commented the ASA. “Remember, these extraordinary labs have also successfully isolated Pro-Retinol A from the rest of the alphabet, and millionized the humble brush. Isn’t that enough to convince people?”

The ASA also singled out Laboratoires Garnier for their Nobel prize-winning success in reinforcing active fruits, Olay for calculating the fiendishly abstract Wake-Me-Up formula to its last elusive digit and Lancôme’s astonishing reproduction of the aura, a phenomenon long thought to exist only in the imagination of hippies.

“Dyescoover fyusulf hoo th’ coosmehic yundusreh’s ympeccabool truck reckud yat th' cooten yedge uv syunteefuc yndivvur spyuks fur yitsulf aye,” said L’Oréal expert Cheryl Cole, stalling for time while her employers sent their graphics experts out to buy several dozen copies of Paint Shop Pro. “Kziuwoothet layk.”

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Make-Up Wearing Neanderthals 'Not Halfwits', Say Archaeologists: 'More Like Vain, Self-Absorbed Airheads'

We may have to revise our preconceived opinions of the Neanderthal branch of humanity, say archaeologists who have discovered evidence that our Stone Age rivals used make-up to adorn themselves.

The team discovered shells marked with pigment residues at two sites in southern Spain, which they claim form compelling evidence that modern humans were not the only hominid species capable of vanity.

"Our findings conclusively demolish the old myths about hairy, halfwitted ape-men and women," insisted Professor Joao Zilhao of Bristol University. "We can now picture a touchingly-familiar Neanderthal domestic scene, with the male of the cavehold exasperatedly calling for his mate to hurry up and get ready before the bison herd moves on, as she blithely carries on applying her eyeliner with a club."

The archaeological world is now considering the implications of the discovery regarding the extinction of the Neanderthal race.

"Could it be that these tribes died out because they ended up spending all their time applying primitive wax strips to remove their thick, matted body hair?" mused Professor Tony Robinson, Emeritus Chair of Anthropology at More4 University. "Or were they all stung to death by angry bees? Find out after the break!"