Riots Panel Shocked To Find Pessimism In Young Hellhole Inmates Facing Lives Of Penury

Chin up

The panel charged with reporting on the August riots says it is shocked to find that a surprising number of young people marginalised by an unbreakable cycle of poverty, deprivation, violence and urban decay are, for some unknown reason, neglecting to bounce up and down with pure, unadulterated joie de vivre.

“Well, this is a turn-up for the books, isn’t it,” gasped the panel’s chairman, former Jobcentreplus head Darra Singh. “Whoever would have thought that emerging from school, clutching a handful of pitiful noddy qualifications, and tumbling straight into a yawning chasm of broken dreams, would lead to feelings of disappointment? Don’t these ungrateful young pups relish a bit of a challenge?”

“I’m afraid we haven’t the faintest idea why these riots happened,” he went on, for 111 pages.

Osborne Keen To Borrow Your Pension To Build A Tunnel To Romania, If That’s All Right

They are coming

The government would quite like to borrow your pension - just for a century or two - in order to employ an army of Poles to build a massive trans-European toll tunnel to Bucharest, ready for the day when the government finally bows to the inevitable and lets all the Romanians and Bulgarians in to snap up any remaining jobs, announced chancellor George Osborne this morning.

“Look, we can’t keep stalling these buggers forever,” he grinned cheerfully. “They’ll be here eventually, whether we like it or not. At least, this way, we can charge them a few bob for the privilege of not having to speak to the French.”

“After all, it’s not like you’re actually likely to be needing your pensions,” he reasoned smoothly. “By the time we’ve finished with the NHS, your life expectancy is going to be about 40.”

Supervillain Widdicombe Unveils Diabolical Plan For World Domination

"Bwa-ha-ha-ha"

Driven criminally insane by David Cameron’s refusal to elevate her to what she believes, in her madness, to be her rightful place in the House of Lords – and, of course, by forty years of towering sexual frustration and Toryism – cackling former MP Ann Widdicombe hideously burst through the global airwaves this morning to announce her devious plot to become head of the entire world.

“Cameron, you beastly little cad, you’ve been very naughty!” she shrilled, as frightened viewers cowered behind their sofas. “Behold, I have already succeeded in dominating the minds of millions of silly modern women, by clumping my way through Strictly Come Dancing in a manner they found inexplicably endearing – entirely wiping from their pretty, empty heads all recollection of my vociferous enthusiasm for foxhunting, banning abortion and making non-attendance at evensong a hanging offence.”

As panic spread from nation to powerless nation, the newly-self-styled ‘Matron’ screeched into the bleeding ears of whimpering captive Fern Britton: “Either the rotter Cameron resigns within the hour and grants me the launch codes for Britain’s holy nuclear missiles, or I shall be forced to take part in Celebrity Big Brother on Channel 5, where I shall not hesitate to disport myself stark naked in the shower room before the blistering eyes of a shrieking world.”

Never Mind That Ageism Bollocks, Says Government - Here’s £1bn

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg emerged from his months-long nap today, to bribe employers to build up a slave workforce with £1bn taken from the family tax credits of any remaining workers not replaced by young slaves.

You're all Spartacus. Now get stacking those shelves

“With youth unemployment now hitting 20%, the papers have noticed and so the government must act,” yawned Mr Clegg, announcing that the government would bribe the usual suspects to openly flout Britain’s helpfully-unenforced ageism laws by hiring young joblesses for exactly six months before exchanging them for fresh ones at the Jobcentre, or simply recycling them every eight weeks without having to pay them at all.

“Obviously, employers can’t be expected to replace their unskilled staff with free slave labour unless we give them a little encouragement,” explained Mr Clegg brightly. “Meanwhile, the young are gaining literally priceless experience of what it feels like to actually have a job, which will give them something to reminisce about in the empty years to come.”

“In a perfect world, of course, we’d gladly sack our entire workforce and give everyone unpaid work experience instead,” said Tesco CEO Philip Clarke. “Sadly, however, there will always be a few jobs that require an incredible amount of skill, which must naturally be rewarded with a generous payscale. Mine, for example.”

“Although if the government were to lob, say, a billion into my pocket,” he added, “I’d gladly work for nothing for eight weeks, too.”

Arab Spring Not Entirely Panning Out Quite As Incurable Optimists Hoped

Well, it wouldn't be Spring without a few dark clouds

With the Egyptian army killing civilians in Cairo’s Tahrir Square, imams holding the reins of power in Tunisia and rival factions turning their guns on each other for control of Libya, incurable optimists are experiencing some feelings of dismay about the achievement of an earthly paradise taking slightly longer to materialise on the shores of North Africa than they had previously predicted.

“With the benefit of hindsight, maybe the faith Egypt’s anti-Mubarak protesters placed in the generals who had been propping him up for thirty years could be described as charmingly naïve,” said one democracy addict, who fervently longs for the day when he is personally consulted on every last finickity detail of everything. “But I’m pretty sure they’ll get blisters on their trigger fingers or something, sooner or later, at which point absolute freedom will immediately assert itself... er… unless the Egyptians freely and democratically vote for an Islamic party, like the Tunisians did and the Moroccans seem to be doing, in which case it might take a century or two longer than I’d ideally like.”

“And as for Libya… er… oil… Western interference… corporate interests… you know,” he added.

“Meanwhile, I’m incredibly optimistic that the various Occupy movements springing up all over the Western world will surely bring down the crumbling edifice of capitalism, as billions spontaneously rise up peacefully against the cynical last-ditch deployment of state-sanctioned brutality, ushering in a new era of universal harmony for everyone in the entire world – probably next April, I reckon, if I’m not very much mistaken,” he predicted confidently.

Sobbing John Lewis Staff Give Away Stock

Moved to a state of 24-hour tearfulness by their store’s emotionally-charged TV ad, John Lewis staff all over the country have taken to heart its resonant Christmas message about the importance of giving, and are refusing to charge customers a single penny for their purchases.

Oh dear, now dry your eyes with this Blu-Ray recorder

“I only stopped by on the way to work for a fresh box of tissues,” gushed red-eyed legal secretary Samantha Doe, as she dragged a 42-inch TV onto a bus full of howling parents. “But the girl at the till took one look at my streaky make-up, burst into floods and begged me to go back and take away the biggest item I could carry. Bless.”

Sobbing senior managers, moved by the sheer power of their own advertising, have ordered staff to remove all price tags from the chain’s stores, in the hope that the country can hold off with the water works for long enough to drive down and pick up whatever their little hearts desire.

Meanwhile, the nation’s children – who, strangely, are the only Britons other than Charlie Brooker not moved to tears by the adland masterpiece, which has already been nominated for a BAFTA for Best Television Drama – have made plans to descend en masse upon John Lewis stores on Saturday morning to demand every single game ever released for their Playstations, Xboxes and Wiis.

“Oh, bless their little cotton socks,” wailed one shop worker on hearing the news. “As a partner, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate the spirit of Christmas than going bust and all losing our jobs. That’s just what dear little baby Jesus would have wanted.”

Metropolitan Police Unveil New Crest After Sacking Officer Over Affair With Minister's Wife

Cameron’s Bright Idea For Economic Recovery Involves Mortgages People Can’t Afford

It's a foolproof recovery plan

Britain’s economic future is assured, says prime minister David Cameron, if poor people take out vast mortgages they can’t afford to repay.

According his brilliant plan, the government – i.e. you, the taxpayer – will underwrite their naïvely optimistic borrowing of 95% of their mortgages, and cheerfully fork mountains of cash into the bankers’ gaping maws when their customers inevitably default.

“It’s time to reset the housing market back to the boom years, before the banks collapsed due to lending vast mortgages to poor people who couldn’t afford to repay them,” smiled an upbeat Mr Cameron.

“What? he added.

Girls ‘At Risk’ Of Being Bitches 24 Hours A Day

Advances in technology now mean that girls are in real danger of making bitchy and spiteful comments 24-seven, according to Jean Gross, England’s frumpy communications champion for young people.

“Anybody who's been a girl, seen a girl or has the vaguest concept of a girl in their head knows that girls can often make each other's lives a misery in school through communication,” she told the Bitches’ Schools Conference in Bristol. “Now the poor dears have got even more ways of excluding each other.”

Shut the fuck up and get your pretty head around the majesty of the 4-2-2

“In times past, girls used to gain a brief daily respite from their own torrents of spite once they got home from school, as at least one family member would have the confidence to tell them to wind their necks in,” droned the droopy old bag. “Now, however, thanks to mobile phones and social networks, they find they are forced to make deeply hurtful comments about their peers around the clock - even when they are fast asleep in bed. Probably.”

A typically insensitive penis owner, however, cruelly suggested that Ms Gross, the conference and every girl in the country might want to “get over themselves” and, even worse, “take an interest for once in something outside their own spotty skins,” possibly involving steam engines.

Church Of England Topples Government

Bearded religious fanatics, but in a good way

Millions of ecstatic Britons thronged the streets today, openly firing prayers into the air, after hearing the news that David Qameron’s hated coalition regime has at last been successfully overthrown in a desperate verbal assault by 18 Anglican bishops in this morning’s Observer.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has been formally appointed as pastoral caretaker PM by Her Majesty (Angela Merkel), and said he was working hard to form a new government of Britain’s top theocrats.

Even as the bishops were receiving their ministerial appointments, however, the search for the fugitive Colonel Qameron and his evil cohorts continued, amid speculation that they may be making a last stand in their traditional strongholds in the commuter belt or the countryside - or, in the case of Nick al-Clegg, a damp and dismal hole in the ground (either Scotland or Cornwall).

Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop and Justice Secretary of York, told reporters: “Dearly beloved, I have gathered you here today to acknowledge the sins of the Qameron clan, who have fallen from grace and landed on their arses with an almighty thump. Although our heavenly Father in his infinite wisdom and mercy seems to have temporarily hidden them from mortal sight, yet shall we continue to look for them even, as it were, through a glass darkly. We shall seek them amongst the cedars of Surbiton. We shall not fear them, yea, even though we walk through the shadows of the valley of debt. And when at last we shall find them, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth as we forgive them.”