With millions of decent, middle-class English people already lying dead in the streets, their corpses covered by a fine layer of deadly toxic ash, the Daily Express is today offering a free coffin to every reader who would rather not be known to future generations simply as a misshapen, Pompeii-style cast.
"Make no fucking mistake. Every living British thing in Britain will be dead by Monday - with the exception of all the bloody immigrants, who are used to this sort of climate," warned Richard Desmond, the philanthropic, saintly proprietor of Express Newspapers and Television X. "Yes, even I will die an agonised, lingering death, my lungs choked with red-hot volcano spew - because my sodding private jet has been grounded by self-serving health-and-safety jobsworth bastards. That quango-loving cunt Gordon Brown will get a bollocking over this in my papers all next week - and that's a fucking promise, sunshine."
Mr Desmond was then led away to Boujis by two gorgeous, pouting models, to contemplate the remaining hours of his life with atypically hedonistic abandon.
Some Express readers, however, expressed their anger when they discovered that the so-called 'free offer' required them to travel to their nearest participating cemetery and purchase a £25 shovel before they could take possession of their coffin.
"I'm not impressed," moaned Express reader Sid Goebbels, 75. "Although, to be fair, I did get a bonus wedding ring from the coffin's previous occupant. But I bet those EU Hitlers have already ordered our quisling government to give free burials to every illegal immigrant in Britain."
"With a complimentary 21-gun salute, too, I shouldn't wonder," he added. "Is this what I fought a war for? Even if I was only 10 when it ended."
Meanwhile, 250,000 Icelanders are reported to be casually strolling around their exploding country without a care in the world, no doubt chuckling to each other about the imminent cancellation of their enormous debt to the UK - which is now destined, tragically, never to be collected.
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Friday, 16 April 2010
Bruno Ganz Declares War On Internet
Screaming his message of hate in German, the Swiss actor-turned-warmonger declared that he was "no longer prepared to endure this humiliation at the hands of every pissy little wankstain who's figured out how to add captions to video clips."
With the launch of yet another tiresome and predictable YouTube posting - in which, predictably, the tiresome actor appears to be ranting about the predictable shortcomings of the tiresome Apple iPad via a tiresome sequence of predictable subtitles - it is now estimated that there are now more mashups featuring Ganz than the total audience numbers for Downfall, the film about Hitler's final days in his Berlin bunker, from which the predictable scene has been tiresomely ripped.
All over the world, shocked fans of the clips are reeling before the actor's lightning assault.
"That Hitler guy just cracks me up every time," whimpered netfugee Dave Ork, a freelance website designer from Hoboken, N.J., pathetically clutching his only remaining possession, a hastily-ripped DVD+R of his favourite non-amusing bunker rants. "I so agree with everything he says. Like, why would anyone want to exterminate me?"
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Monday, 8 February 2010
Heather Mills Enlists Celebrity Friends To Raise Disability Awareness Whether They Like It Or Not
Britain's showbiz community is living in fear of Heather Mills tonight, after the one-legged Beatle-shagger threatened to challenge popular misconceptions about disability - by maiming as many celebs as she can on a reality TV show she devised during a rare break from counting Paul McCartney's former money.
"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."
High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:
"People come up to me all the time - ordinary little people, just like you - and say, 'Heather Mills, it's really easy for you to hop about on one leg 'cos you're so beautiful and caring and kind,'" she snarled as she sharpened a vicious-looking scythe. "Well, actually it isn't easy at all, being a beautiful, kind, caring monopod. I love the ordinary little people, you know, I do - but Christ, they really are thick as pigshit. Time for caring, kind, beautiful me to put the record straight, with a little help from my showbiz mates."
High on the hitlist is ex-husband Sir Paul McCartney, who is earmarked for a terminal walletectomy. Viewers can also expect to see:
- Jeremy Clarkson struggling to expound his arsey, cocksure worldview as his genitals are located and removed from their denim confinement with the aid of tweezers;
- Fern Britton's dietary techniques revealed once and for all when her skin is slowly unpeeled;
- a drooling Stephen Fry sitting awestruck by Alan Davies' encyclopaedic knowledge, after being forcibly and severally trepanned with a Black & Decker drill;
- Cheryl Cole grunting like a sow on heat as her Autotune is unplugged by an expert sound engineer;
- Katie Price's plastic breasts trying to marry the next man they meet, once the rest of her has been surgically removed with extreme prejudice.
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Labour Giants Deliver Keynote Sobs To TV Addicts
Stores are running out of mops and sponges today, as the British electorate grimly prepares to be deluged by floods of crocodile tears from senior Labour figures in the forthcoming general election.
Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.
After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.
While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.
Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.
A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.
"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."
Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.
After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.
While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.
Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.
A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.
"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World
Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.
In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.
"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."
"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."
A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.
In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.
"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."
"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."
A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.
Artificial Woman - Pretend Parrot Wedding Exclusive
Nothing else of any consequence at all happened anywhere in the entire fucking world.
Monday, 1 February 2010
Tories Would Strangle Economic Recovery, Says Mandelson - Like This
Likening David Cameron and George Osborne to Laurel and Hardy, business secretary Lord Mandelson - dangling precariously from a clock face overhanging a busy Westminster street - warned that a Conservative government would "strangle the recovery at birth - like this."
To howls of derisive laughter, the acknowledged master of comic timing then slashed £449m from universities' budgets before plummeting to the ground, where the frontage of the Palace of Westminster fell on him.
To howls of derisive laughter, the acknowledged master of comic timing then slashed £449m from universities' budgets before plummeting to the ground, where the frontage of the Palace of Westminster fell on him.
Our National Sport
As a bankrupt Britain moves closer to the most important election in a generation, the media swung into action to explain the issues people face in their struggle to keep their heads above water - by throwing huge sums of money at the owner of the orifice that proved irrestistible to a man who gets paid stupid amounts just to kick a ball around.
"The story of Vanessa Perroncel's fadge is, quite simply, the story of everybody in Britain," explained publicist Max Clifford this morning. "She just lay there with a big dopey grin on her face, while rich morons queued up to shaft her senseless."
"The story of Vanessa Perroncel's fadge is, quite simply, the story of everybody in Britain," explained publicist Max Clifford this morning. "She just lay there with a big dopey grin on her face, while rich morons queued up to shaft her senseless."
September 16: Altartag
The Pope today confirmed that he plans to invade Britain later this year, accusing the government of discrimination over its refusal to let Catholics discriminate against gay adoptive parents.
The Popeblitz will strike Birmingham first, he vowed, having chosen the historically-significant date of September 16th - the day after his predecessor's attempt to visit Britain collapsed in 1940.
"Your pathetic little island is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society," he lied to his legions of goose-stepping Fifth Columnists. "Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust restrictions on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their god-like dictator's belief that all the wicked sodomites should be rounded up and gassed."
"Unless, of course, they happen to be Catholic priests," he added. "In which case: least said, soonest mended."
In response to the Pope's declaration of Altartag, the National Secular Society has begun to distribute bum shelters to the population of Birmingham.
The Popeblitz will strike Birmingham first, he vowed, having chosen the historically-significant date of September 16th - the day after his predecessor's attempt to visit Britain collapsed in 1940.
"Your pathetic little island is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society," he lied to his legions of goose-stepping Fifth Columnists. "Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust restrictions on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their god-like dictator's belief that all the wicked sodomites should be rounded up and gassed."
"Unless, of course, they happen to be Catholic priests," he added. "In which case: least said, soonest mended."
In response to the Pope's declaration of Altartag, the National Secular Society has begun to distribute bum shelters to the population of Birmingham.
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