UN To Debate No-Fly Zone Over Basildon

Hold on tight now, girls and boys

As evil British dictator Colonel Gadavey’s minions on the People’s Reactionary Council of Basildon gear up in readiness for an all-out assault on Dale Farm, a ramshackle camp full of ethnic pikeys, the United Nations’ Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination called on the UN Security Council to implement a no-fly zone over Basildon as a matter of the utmost urgency.

“In the last few days, Colonel Gadavey’s propaganda machine has been pumping out explicitly anti-pikey tales of fairground atrocities, turning the population against this victimised ethnic minority,” warned the committee. “The pikey community of the United Kingdom has been discriminated against for centuries. The lowly job opportunities allowed to them are restricted to the running of rickety amusement-park rides and offering disdainful shoppers the choice of a worthless sprig of heather or an unspoken curse.”

“The world cannot, and must not, look away and let this injustice happen,” concluded the report. “Basildon Council’s offensive capability must be neutralised, if necessary by a punitive airstrike against its car pool.”

President Nicolas Sarkozy has already indicated that the French people would be more than happy to commit their fighter-bombers and assault helicopters to supporting Britain’s pikey minority, as long as they promised to stay there and keep the fuck out of France.

September 16: Altartag

The Pope today confirmed that he plans to invade Britain later this year, accusing the government of discrimination over its refusal to let Catholics discriminate against gay adoptive parents.

The Popeblitz will strike Birmingham first, he vowed, having chosen the historically-significant date of September 16th - the day after his predecessor's attempt to visit Britain collapsed in 1940.

"Your pathetic little island is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society," he lied to his legions of goose-stepping Fifth Columnists. "Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust restrictions on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their god-like dictator's belief that all the wicked sodomites should be rounded up and gassed."

"Unless, of course, they happen to be Catholic priests," he added. "In which case: least said, soonest mended."

In response to the Pope's declaration of Altartag, the National Secular Society has begun to distribute bum shelters to the population of Birmingham.

Labour Minister Pledges To End Scourge of Prejudice Against Chavscum and Fat Cat Bankers Forever

Communities secretary John Denseham sensationally brought down the old barriers dividing rich and poor today, with a heartwarming speech in which he declared the battle against racism officially over and announced Labour's ground-breaking, vote-catching plans to eradicate discrimination against chavs and bankers forever.

"Every darky in Britain kin naa fack orf back to woreva they cam frum an' let aw them uvva terrorist canniboes in their tribes know that racial discrimination in Britain is a fing uv the past so dan't bovver camin' over 'ere to fight it no maw innit," he declared, to cheers from all parties.

Mr Denseham then went on to announce that the biggest threat to harmony in Britain today was the age-old iniquity of class prejudice.

"Them middle-class wankas, they hates aw you poor hardworkin' white doleys on yer cancel estates, wiv ya Burberry clogs an' ya six nippas an' ya K-reg Astras wiv da fackorf big twin exorst an' the full body kit," he warned as he launched a review on race policy which is expected to report just in time for the election. "We'll look aht faw ya, naa giz ya votes."

Quickly whipping off his hoody top to reveal an Armani suit, Mr Denseham continued: "And the same cruel injustice can be fairly said to apply, in equal measure, to the tiny, beleaguered banking community who have so enriched our lives whilst eking out a humble living for themselves on our shores. Middle England is, even as I speak, whipping itself up into a threnody of murderous hate - cynically orchestrated by odious, scaremongering rags such as the Guardian and the Independent."

"Now, if you wouldn't mind reaching for your shareholders' wallets, we have the small matter of a £50m election campaign to bankroll," he added.

MPs 'Challenged' on Autism

Not enough is being done in Britain for adults with autism, warned Edward Leigh MP, the chairman of the Public Accounts Committee today.

"These unfortunate sufferers do not bear any physical signs of their terrible disability, which leads many ignorant people to accuse them of being workshy scroungers who should get a job and get a life," he sighed. "But autism is a real affliction, and its effects should be more widely recognised by the community at large."

"The autistic person lives in their own little bubble," he explained. "They have real difficulty in understanding anybody else's point of view but their own. This is compounded by problems with communication. They tend to have a simplistic, literal view of the things people say. For example, when people vote for them, they automatically assume that everyone agrees 100% with everything they say in their manifesto, which soon leads to disappointment and frustration."

"Autistic people often appear insensitive to how others are feeling, especially over little everyday things like expenses claims," Mr Leigh continued. "They shy away from social contact with the general population, shutting themselves away quite happily in their second homes which are their first homes for tax purposes until flipped - and they have real difficulty in expressing emotional concepts which neurotypicals take for granted, such as shame, dignity or honour. And they just can't look ahead to what might happen in the future as a consequence of their actions."

The committee's report went on to point out that the autistic have many good qualities, which people - and especially employers - should be made aware of.

"Autistic people can be extremely creative," said Mr Leigh. "Especially when it comes to accounting, as they tend to be rather handy at juggling big numbers in their heads. They also tend to get very enthusiastic and knowledgeable about their own particular interests - such as tax regulations, or mortgage relief."

Although the prominent backbench MP acknowledged that more time spent with their families would probably enhance the victims' social skills, he urged employers to offer more job opportunities - preferably at a boardroom level - to the autistic.

"As time goes on, more and more adults with autism are likely to find themselves wandering the streets - an environment for which, sadly, their condition leaves them ill-prepared," he warned. "Please help these unfortunates to keep helping themselves."

Shrewd PM Discerns Elements of Inequality in Monarchy

Gordon Brown has been talking to Buckingham Palace about reforming the ancient traditions of the monarchy, in a half-assed attempt to distract the media from speculation about the probable extent of ridicule heaped on his head by jeering G20 leaders, and predictions that the summit will be the catalyst for bloody civil war on the streets of Britain.

"The monarchy is widely regarded as the last bastion of inequality in Britain," the Prime Minister bellowed through the gates at the royal residence. "It is the stark epitome of the fundamental disparities that divide our society. The evil canker which lurks at the very heart of Britain's royalty must be excised without hesitation."

The Queen, meanwhile, was seen to be struggling to haul an antique musket onto the balcony rail, encouraged by Prince Philip's shouts of "Kill the prole, old girl - no one's going to miss him," and "I told you all along - those Labour politicians are all getting their orders from Stalin."

"Britain today is a society deeply divided," continued the PM hoarsely, ignoring the clicking cameras of Japanese tourists. "How much longer will the lowly subjects of Her Britannic Majesty tolerate the injustices perpetrated against them by a small number of individuals, whose position is purely an accident of history? The time has come for the elected government of the people to take swift, decisive action to bring an end to this institutionalised slight against millions!"

Mr Brown was interrupted by a loud blast from the palace, as the Queen fired the unwieldy relic of the English Civil War at her leading minister. Staggering to her feet after the weapon's unexpected recoil, she saw Mr Brown rolling on the ground, clutching his groin and screaming in pain: "You silly old bag, I was only referring to parts of the Act of Settlement, 1701 which govern female accession and prevent the heir from marrying a Catholic!"

"Somebody call me an ambulance," added the Prime Minister, causing a brief smirk to play upon the face of the Guardsman standing impassively on duty at the gates of the palace.

Mr Brown was eventually taken to hospital when Jack Straw arrived bearing a flag of truce, and was later released with a blue plaster on his willy. The latest opinion polls indicate that, thanks to the unfortunate misunderstanding, the monarchy's popularity has swiftly soared to levels unknown since 1945.