Police have defended their behaviour during the G20 protests in London, citing 30 injuries received by officers carrying out Operation Glencoe Massacre and claiming that their response - leading to one death and 80 separate reports of assault to the Independent Police Complaints Commission, which is also looking at 50 complaints about 'kettling' tactics - was "proportionate".
"Evenin' all. What you have to remember is that the Climate Camp was nothing less than an attempt to overthrow civilisation by bloodthirtsy revolutionaries who want to eat your children," said Inspector Savage, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police Federation.
"One of our number was callously scalded while trying to figure out how to make a cup of tea at the Excel Centre, another was bitten by a rioting dog and another was lucky to survive after tripping over a crypto-anarchist safety barrier," he explained. "Worst of all, a colleague from the City of London force suffered a stiff neck after being cruelly forced to wear a heavy helmet. Surrounded by such dire threats to life and limb, is it any wonder some brave officers on the spot exercised their legal right to murder a newspaper vendor?"
"The injuries show the level of violence that was shown towards police during the protest," he concluded.
"Mind how you go now," he told the press conference, before tripping over his shoelace and laying into the front row of reporters with his baton.
Showing posts with label G20. Show all posts
Showing posts with label G20. Show all posts
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Friday, 3 April 2009
Politicians Agree To Act On Soaring G-Inflation
The G20 summit has been hailed as a huge success, after the world's richest nations agreed on measures to prevent rampant G-inflation from spiralling out of control.
"We began to notice G-inflation back in 1975, when the G6 appeared out of nowhere," said Gordon Brown. "Back then only Britain, West Germany, France, Italy, Japan and the United States were affected, and it was believed that we could keep it in check. Only a year later, however, the figure leapt to G7 when Canada became involved. Then we caught the French hiding a G8 which included the former Soviet Union."
"By 2009, things were in danger of getting completely out of hand," US President Obama. "It now transpires that we failed to notice a G10 that's been knocking around since 1962, the Christians have their own G12 and there's even talk of a G33 lurking somewhere in the southern hemisphere. It doesn't take a genius to work out that, at some point, the world's supply of countries will simply dry up. It may not happen in our lifetimes - but we have to act now, or future generations will never forgive us."
Initial discussions centred on Mr Brown's plan to create more countries through devolution and regional independence, which would have seen Britain split into England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Cornwall and the revival of the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire, and the break-up of the United States into 50 separate nations. However, talks stalled when it was pointed out that this would only postpone the day when everyone on Earth had a country all of their own.
Instead, a simpler, more elegant solution was agreed which involves starting a new round of meetings beginning with the letter H. The first item on the agenda of the forthcoming H1 summit will be what to do when Z is reached.
The world's leaders then ate a panda and posed for photographs with the Queen, who told President Obama's wife Michelle that she was one's best mate in the whole world before being formally groped by Silvio Berluscruki.
"We began to notice G-inflation back in 1975, when the G6 appeared out of nowhere," said Gordon Brown. "Back then only Britain, West Germany, France, Italy, Japan and the United States were affected, and it was believed that we could keep it in check. Only a year later, however, the figure leapt to G7 when Canada became involved. Then we caught the French hiding a G8 which included the former Soviet Union."
"By 2009, things were in danger of getting completely out of hand," US President Obama. "It now transpires that we failed to notice a G10 that's been knocking around since 1962, the Christians have their own G12 and there's even talk of a G33 lurking somewhere in the southern hemisphere. It doesn't take a genius to work out that, at some point, the world's supply of countries will simply dry up. It may not happen in our lifetimes - but we have to act now, or future generations will never forgive us."
Initial discussions centred on Mr Brown's plan to create more countries through devolution and regional independence, which would have seen Britain split into England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Cornwall and the revival of the Socialist Republic of South Yorkshire, and the break-up of the United States into 50 separate nations. However, talks stalled when it was pointed out that this would only postpone the day when everyone on Earth had a country all of their own.
Instead, a simpler, more elegant solution was agreed which involves starting a new round of meetings beginning with the letter H. The first item on the agenda of the forthcoming H1 summit will be what to do when Z is reached.
The world's leaders then ate a panda and posed for photographs with the Queen, who told President Obama's wife Michelle that she was one's best mate in the whole world before being formally groped by Silvio Berluscruki.
Thursday, 2 April 2009
All Smiles At Downing Street As Obama Reprograms Brown For Summit
It was all smiles yesterday in Downing Street, as President Barack Obama arrived for a pre-G20 briefing with Gordon Brown, carrying a large manila folder marked 'Script', a car battery and a set of electrodes.
Scots-tinged, expletive-laden screams were heard coming from Number Ten throughout the course of the meeting, which were later reported by a sweating spin doctor to be yelps of unbounded delight as the Prime Minister found ever more examples of how closely he and President Obama saw absolutely eye-to-eye on all policy issues - especially the ones Mr Brown had previously thought of as possible bones of contention, such as whose fault everything was.
"Mr Brown is glad to find he agrees that the United States is the sole injured party in the current global economic meltdown," spluttered Spin Dr Rhythm to the world's reporters. "And he is very pleased to learn that he was responsible for the crisis in the first place. He looks forward to a summit where Britain and the United States share a common interest in ensuring a successful outcome for the USA."
He added that, to mark Britain's special relationship with America, the two world statesmen had cordially exchanged gifts of friendship. Mr Obama gave the prime minister a series of powerful electric shocks, and Mr Brown generously handed his testicles to the president in a presentation vice, with matching mallet.
President Obama and his wife then travelled to Buckingham Palace, where they were given a viewing catalogue by the Queen and told that if they saw anything they particularly fancied, they should be sure to put in an advance bid.
Scots-tinged, expletive-laden screams were heard coming from Number Ten throughout the course of the meeting, which were later reported by a sweating spin doctor to be yelps of unbounded delight as the Prime Minister found ever more examples of how closely he and President Obama saw absolutely eye-to-eye on all policy issues - especially the ones Mr Brown had previously thought of as possible bones of contention, such as whose fault everything was.
"Mr Brown is glad to find he agrees that the United States is the sole injured party in the current global economic meltdown," spluttered Spin Dr Rhythm to the world's reporters. "And he is very pleased to learn that he was responsible for the crisis in the first place. He looks forward to a summit where Britain and the United States share a common interest in ensuring a successful outcome for the USA."
He added that, to mark Britain's special relationship with America, the two world statesmen had cordially exchanged gifts of friendship. Mr Obama gave the prime minister a series of powerful electric shocks, and Mr Brown generously handed his testicles to the president in a presentation vice, with matching mallet.
President Obama and his wife then travelled to Buckingham Palace, where they were given a viewing catalogue by the Queen and told that if they saw anything they particularly fancied, they should be sure to put in an advance bid.
New Axis of Evil Threatens To Irritate Unaccountable Capitalists Slightly
As the much-anticipated G20 summit gets under way this morning, France and Germany have threatened to sabotage the make-or-break discussions by recklessly demanding some kind of outcome from the proceedings.
"Everybody knows that the main purpose of international beanos beginning with a G is for the democratically-elected leaders who like to think they run things to wring their hands on the news and pretend they give a flying fuck about something or other to do with poor people and penguins and all that crap," said one veteran aide. "Now the slimy French have turned up on their rusty bicycles - reeking of onions and with their goose-stepping partner-in-crime, the Hun, in tow as usual."
"This is not a good time for Monsieur Sarkozy to start waving his arms about as if he's trying to wave Concorde in to land on a helicopter carrier, and shouting some irresponsible bollocks about telling the money men what they can and can't do with the planet they've bought," said Gordon Brown. "Poorly-informed people might be led to construe that as some kind of oblique criticism of the Financial Services Authority, which I had the vision to set up some years ago when I was Chancellor of the Exchequer, or of the tax havens which are run with such commendable diligence by the Foreign Office from right here in London."
"Everybody knows that the main purpose of international beanos beginning with a G is for the democratically-elected leaders who like to think they run things to wring their hands on the news and pretend they give a flying fuck about something or other to do with poor people and penguins and all that crap," said one veteran aide. "Now the slimy French have turned up on their rusty bicycles - reeking of onions and with their goose-stepping partner-in-crime, the Hun, in tow as usual."
"This is not a good time for Monsieur Sarkozy to start waving his arms about as if he's trying to wave Concorde in to land on a helicopter carrier, and shouting some irresponsible bollocks about telling the money men what they can and can't do with the planet they've bought," said Gordon Brown. "Poorly-informed people might be led to construe that as some kind of oblique criticism of the Financial Services Authority, which I had the vision to set up some years ago when I was Chancellor of the Exchequer, or of the tax havens which are run with such commendable diligence by the Foreign Office from right here in London."
World War Three Declared Open In Moving Street Ceremony
London was being dismantled brick-by-brick by tens of millions of baying neo-Stalinist anarchobourgeois extremopacifist Islamochristoid cryptovegans yesterday, who used big magnets to drag helpless police officers away from their allotted tasks of patting small children on the head and rescuing fluffy kittens from trees, sucking them into their seething ranks and viciously headbutting their batons.
"Look at this uniform," sobbed PC Civilised of the Legitimate Squad. "Some screaming enviromentalist thug showered me with blood and teeth. I'll never get these stains out, unless I use a fast-acting non-bio made from pandas."
The war is expected to escalate today, with the police bringing up tanks, assault helicopters and tactical nuclear delivery systems and the protesters expected to unleash bigger placards.
"Look at this uniform," sobbed PC Civilised of the Legitimate Squad. "Some screaming enviromentalist thug showered me with blood and teeth. I'll never get these stains out, unless I use a fast-acting non-bio made from pandas."
The war is expected to escalate today, with the police bringing up tanks, assault helicopters and tactical nuclear delivery systems and the protesters expected to unleash bigger placards.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
South America Teaches Brown About Running A Balanced Economy
Gordon Brown has had financial prudence explained to him by Chilean president Michelle Bachelet, as he continues to jet around the world trying to persuade world leaders not to blame him personally at the imminent G20 summit for completely fucking up the world's economy.
"I held up a 50-peso note and explained to Señor Brown that this was money, and if you get your hands on any then it's worth holding onto for a rainy day," said Ms Bachelet afterwards. "I also told him that if, like him, you recklessly give it all away to your greedy friends, then perhaps it's a little foolish to expect them to reciprocate when you open the biscuit tin to pay the bills, only to find it's all gone."
"He seemed to be struggling a bit with that," she went on, "So I made it easier for him. I gave him ten beans. Then I put on an expensive new suit and said that I wouldn't mind buying his shoes for a bean, if he would just give me two beans to cover my costs. He agreed, and I took his shoes and a bean. He said he didn't quite grasp the idea, so I ran it by him again - only this time I asked for his tie. After half an hour Señor Brown had no beans and no clothes - and when I turned down his request to borrow some beans so he might buy back his underpants, I think the peso finally dropped."
"I look forward to seeing Señor Brown again at the summit," she added. "But I don't think the rest of the G20 leaders will be greatly impressed by his appearance."
"I held up a 50-peso note and explained to Señor Brown that this was money, and if you get your hands on any then it's worth holding onto for a rainy day," said Ms Bachelet afterwards. "I also told him that if, like him, you recklessly give it all away to your greedy friends, then perhaps it's a little foolish to expect them to reciprocate when you open the biscuit tin to pay the bills, only to find it's all gone."
"He seemed to be struggling a bit with that," she went on, "So I made it easier for him. I gave him ten beans. Then I put on an expensive new suit and said that I wouldn't mind buying his shoes for a bean, if he would just give me two beans to cover my costs. He agreed, and I took his shoes and a bean. He said he didn't quite grasp the idea, so I ran it by him again - only this time I asked for his tie. After half an hour Señor Brown had no beans and no clothes - and when I turned down his request to borrow some beans so he might buy back his underpants, I think the peso finally dropped."
"I look forward to seeing Señor Brown again at the summit," she added. "But I don't think the rest of the G20 leaders will be greatly impressed by his appearance."
Friday, 27 March 2009
University Upholds Protest Professor's Freedom Of Sack
A professor of anthropology has been suspended by the University of East Enders for saying nasty, hurtful things about bankers on the radio.
Speaking on Radio 4's PM programme after Sir Fred Badwin's Edinburgh home was slightly damaged by dangerous insurrectionists earler in the week, Professor Chris Peasant made several leaden jokes about hanging the much-maligned financiers from lamp-posts.
The prestigious University of East Enders has confirmed that Professor Peasant has been suspended from his job and neck, pending investigation into whether he has been preaching sedition to first-year students taking his module, 'Killing The Rich: Ritual Sacrifice in Modern Tribal Society'. The university said that while it remained absolutely committed to upholding the right to freedom of expression, it was even more committed to the continuation of its funding from the government.
Police have warned that several notorious activist groups from the 1990s - including the Newbury Bypass protesters and the University of Plymouth's infamous Rent Strike Committee - are reforming and forging new alliances dedicated to the single-minded aim of overthrowing the established world order and ushering in a new Dark Age of death and destruction.
"Handy that we've just taken delivery of another six thousand Tasers, then," smiled a Home Office spokesman. "Incitement to violence is unacceptable and, by making these ill-judged comments, Professor Peasant has recklessly incited police officers to zap the living shit out of anybody sporting a goatee or a hand-knitted Peruvian jumper inside the M25 next weekend."
Speaking on Radio 4's PM programme after Sir Fred Badwin's Edinburgh home was slightly damaged by dangerous insurrectionists earler in the week, Professor Chris Peasant made several leaden jokes about hanging the much-maligned financiers from lamp-posts.
The prestigious University of East Enders has confirmed that Professor Peasant has been suspended from his job and neck, pending investigation into whether he has been preaching sedition to first-year students taking his module, 'Killing The Rich: Ritual Sacrifice in Modern Tribal Society'. The university said that while it remained absolutely committed to upholding the right to freedom of expression, it was even more committed to the continuation of its funding from the government.
Police have warned that several notorious activist groups from the 1990s - including the Newbury Bypass protesters and the University of Plymouth's infamous Rent Strike Committee - are reforming and forging new alliances dedicated to the single-minded aim of overthrowing the established world order and ushering in a new Dark Age of death and destruction.
"Handy that we've just taken delivery of another six thousand Tasers, then," smiled a Home Office spokesman. "Incitement to violence is unacceptable and, by making these ill-judged comments, Professor Peasant has recklessly incited police officers to zap the living shit out of anybody sporting a goatee or a hand-knitted Peruvian jumper inside the M25 next weekend."
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