Sun Explodes

Britain’s favourite comic, the Sun, exploded today with the news that Diane Abbott is standing for the Labour leadership.

Under a headline of “IT’S PC GONE MAD!!!”, the comic began to list five reasons why Guardian readers will faint with delight at the black female MP’s candidacy, but burst into flames after pointing out that she was BLACK and a WOMAN.

The Sun has been showing increasing signs of incandescence since the election, calling on its infantile readers to surrender their human rights and claiming that police marksmen were under strict orders to shoot on sight anyone displaying the flag of St George.

“People have been warned for years not to look at the Sun without covering their eyes,” said a leading expert today. “Unfortunately, there is a small core of idiots who won’t be told, except by Rupert Murdoch. Well, now their brains are fried and frankly, it serves them right.”

Guinness Factory Burns Down - English Undergraduates Inconsolate

Stand-up comedians across the UK are desperately stuffing their fists into their mouths tonight, in a politically-correct attempt to prevent themselves from making the obvious comment that springs to mind concerning the accidental torching of the Guinness plant in Dublin by inept construction workers who - perhaps, with the benefit of hindsight, unwisely - used a blowlamp on felt roofing.

As news of the inferno on the banks of the Liffey spread, millions of comedy Irishmen were left desolate and contemplating suicide - most of their ranks comprising the sub-species of English undergraduate who firmly believes that marking the holy day of St Patrick by drinking themselves inside out on watered-down treacle whilst wearing a stupid great big green hat in some way inducts them into the ranks of Brian Boru's heroic descendants.

Meanwhile, the native population of Ireland consoled themselves with plentiful supplies of the Emerald Isle's traditional tipple - namely, a few drops of chemical cider at the bottom of a glass containing most of the Ross Ice Shelf.

Nice Middle Class Parents' Outrage At Being Treated With Same Suspicion As Council-Estate Scum

In the face of mounting public fury, Children's Secretary Ed Balls has moved quickly to defuse the row by offering to make a few meaningless cosmetic changes to the government's plans to label everyone in Britain a child-molesting pervert.

Parents who take part in voluntary lift-share schemes to save their poor little darlings from falling into the clutches of the armies of raincoat-clad weirdos who infest school buses and pavements expressed outrage when the government announced that they would all have to submit to a Criminal Records Bureau check, which would label them either as convicted kiddie-fondlers or potential kiddie-fondlers who just haven't been caught yet.

"How dare the government call me a paedophile!" screamed a respectable middle-class mum from the window of her Espace as she dropped her respectable middle-class daughter off at a middle-class school in Surrey which performs very respectably in the league tables. "Everybody knows that paedophiles live on benefits on inner-city sink estates in the North of England. Why don't they just round them all up and sterilise them?"

Mr Balls, however, told reporters that he was ordering a review into the Vetting and Barring Scheme, to see if there was a way of excluding nice people from its remit.

"I can't give you any specifics at present," said the sweating Balls, "But one option we're examining is a Newsagent Check. It seems to me that anyone who takes the Mail or the Express on a regular basis is obviously a normal, well-balanced individual who poses no risk at all to society."

BBC To Invite T-1000 Onto Question Time

The BBC has provoked controversy by announcing that it may invite a representative of the Skynet global defence computer network to appear on its current affairs flagship programme, Question Time.

Mainstream parties have traditionally boycotted any programme in which they would be expected to share a platform with a murderous Terminator robot because of Skynet's avowed policies on exterminating the human race.

However, the BBC's chief political advisor, Pric Bailey, said that Skynet had "demonstrated evidence of electoral support" by getting a Terminator elected as governor of California, where it is creating mayhem in a vicious onslaught against essential public services.

Leading anti-robot campaigners condemned the BBC's plans, however.

"800,000 people may have voted Skynet last May," admitted veteran human right-to-exist advocate Sarah Connor, "But that's only because Skynet promised it would deal with the immigrants first. Many people are taken in by the smooth-talking T-1000, which is programmed to be all things to all men - but what they don't realise is that, behind the carefully-fabricated image, most of Skynet's rank-and-file members remain the brutal T-800s."

Others, however, argue that the democratic principle of freedom of speech must apply to Skynet, no matter how repugnant its policy of annihilation may be.

"I'm sure that, when the extent of its hate-filled views are exposed in public, the T-1000 will only succeed in exposing itself and Skynet to widespread ridicule," said a blindly optimistic Dr Myles Dyson. "Especially when a highly-respected elder statesman from one of the mainstream parties - Boris Johnson, for example, or Ed Balls at a pinch - fires a grenade launcher at it, and it smiles at the hole before the grenade goes off, and then it flails around shrieking, with its head attached to its arm."

"Everyone will just laugh at the T-1000," he promised, "Especially if Bojo follows it up by claiming he needs a vacation."

Brown Invites Clarkson To Step Outside

Gordon Brown has stormed round to BBC Television Centre with his sleeves rolled up and shouting for Jeremy Clarkson to "come outside and face me like a man", after the TV presenter called the prime minister "a cunt" during the warm-up to a recording of Top Gear.

BBC2 controller Janice Hadlow later confronted Mr Clarkson, but did not order him to apologise after voters in Norwich - and, subsequently, many Labour MPs - confirmed the inescapable truth of the statement.

Nevertheless, Downing Street aides report that Mr Brown threw his bowl of cold porridge across the kitchen when Mr Clarkson's comment was reported on breakfast TV, then stamped out in his shirtsleeves vowing to "rip the cock clean off that smug Sassenach twat and ram it so far down his throat he'll be pissing out of his arse for the rest of his miserable life".

Mr Brown was later captured on CCTV at a Central London branch of Costcutter, where he ran out without paying for a bottle of own-brand whisky - presumably to fortify himself for the forthcoming punch-up.

When he arrived in Shepherd's Bush, Mr Brown relieved himself against the car park barrier before staggering around shouting for Mr Clarkson, who was in fact at home in Chipping Norton, extracting his latest opinions from the top of his head for the enlightenment of readers of the Sunday Times.

"Gordon Brown, eh? What a piss-faced, shit-eating, ball-wrenching cunt," the Repton-educated Mr Clarkson told reporters, as speech-recognition software simultaneously transcribed his words of wisdom and emailed them directly to Rupert Murdoch's presses.

Meanwhile, back at Television Centre, Mr Brown was repeatedly punched to the ground and kicked by a growing queue of BBC staff, assisted with enthusiasm by passing members of the public until Lord Mandelson arrived in a New Labour ambulance and took the insensible cunt back to his cage to sleep it off.

BNP May Be Discriminating, Warns Shocked Equality and Human Rights Commission

The Equality and Human Rights Commission has written a letter to MEP Nick Griffin, the leader of the British National Party, asking whether he is aware that some of its policies may not be fully compliant with racial discrimination laws.

"Under the Equality Act 2006, we have a statutory duty to enforce the law," said John Wadham, the commission's legal director. "After the recent elections, this party was brought to our attention for the first time, sparking some concerns that it may not be entirely up to speed on recent legislation with regard to its whites-only membership policy. Now I'm no expert, but it is possible that this may contravene the Race Relations Act."

The commission's letter advises Mr Griffin that the BNP must comply with the law, and asks him to confirm that his party will not discriminate in its employment and recruitment policies, procedures and practices.

Mr Wadham went on to explain that some of his officials were also worried that the BNP's elected representatives may not be providing quite the same level of service to all of their constituents, regardless of race and colour.

"But I think that may be jumping the gun, frankly," he added. "I think we'll just wait and see what they have to say on the matter. I'm sure Mr Griffin will be more than happy to clear up what is probably just a silly misunderstanding."

Black-Hearted Fiend Attacks Disabled Kids

A deservedly-obscure backbench Labour MP has committed the unspeakable thought-crime of wantonly wondering why Britain is full of dyslexics when other countries aren't, the nasty little shit.

The heartless, depraved Graham 'Goebbels' Stringer pitilessly suggested that 10% of Britons might not be labelled as dyslexic if teachers agreed on one teaching technique and stuck to it, rather than 'confusing' their students with a barrage of different systems.

"If dyslexia really existed," ranted the clearly-deranged renegade, "Then countries as diverse as Nicaragua and South Korea would not have been able to achieve literacy rates of nearly 100%."

"Of course dyslexia is real," said an angry Shirley Cramer, chief executive of Dyslexia Action. "My job - and the jobs of thousands of other saintly experts - wouldn't exist if it wasn't."

"This brutal monster must be stopped," she pleaded, "Before he starts bundling your defenceless, disabled kiddies into the back of a van and slaughtering them all with Zyklon-B."

Every right-minded person in Britain was today clamouring for the renegade bastard MP for Blackley to be impaled on a spike - the richly-deserved fate of the producers of a malicious Channel 4 documentary some years ago, which insulted everyone by making the ridiculous, spiteful claim that dyslexia might be nothing more than a socially-acceptable label applied to nice middle-class children, rather than the 'learning difficulties' experienced by the illegitimate thicky underclass progeny of drug-addicted prostitutes on council estates.

Heretic education chiefs in Dumbartonshire, who ruthlessly eradicated dyslexia in their schools - recklessly discarding the tried-and-tested method of bombarding pupils with whatever systems individual teachers happened to like, dogmatically inflicting the unbelievable nonsense of so-called 'synthetic phonics' instead - were rightly dragged from their offices by a baying mob of concerned, caring citizens, tarred and feathered, then strung up from lamp-posts.

Thousands of incensed teachers have taken to the streets in protest against the criminal sociopath Stringer's vicious slurs, waving placards and banners reading: "fUkE Of fACiST!!!", "tEEChERZ no hOWe tOO tEECh", "hAY StiNGeR??? LEEV tHoes kiDDS ALOwN!!!!!!!!" and "StRiGNEr iS A CNUt".