Elected Tea Party Congressmen Vow To Force Baptism On Obama

Cletus Done Bought He A Purty Suit

With Republicans now in control of the US House of Representatives, winning candidates backed by the Tea Party have vowed to push a bill through Congress demanding a public statement of apostasy from the Muslim fundamentalist president, to be followed by the live televising of his forcible baptism in the waters of the Potomac river.

Meanwhile, in an unexpected blow for Fox News Channel and its followers, the Senate was narrowly held by people who doggedly remain unconvinced that Europe is an Islamic state.

Fast-Acting Tories Save World From Fearsome Outbreak Of Suicide Bombers Armed With Exploding Printer Accessories

From now on, it's tough tits if your printer runs out halfway across the Atlantic

Resolute home secretary Theresa May emerged from a top-level COBRA security meeting today to announce that the safety of the skies of the world was now assured, thanks to an immediate ban on passengers flying from UK airports with a cumbersome toner cartridge crammed into their hand luggage.

She added that the lethal office consumables would also be banned from cargo compartments and airfreight flights unless they originated from a reputable shipper, such as UPS, or had a combined weight of casing plus explosive of less than 500g.

Meanwhile, the prime minister told MPs after the meeting that it really was about time the world woke up and did something about terrorism.

“It is clear we must take every possible step to work with our partners in the Arab world to cut out the terrorist cancer that lurks in the Arabian peninsula," said Mr Cameron, although he skilfully refused to be drawn on whether ‘cutting out terrorist cancer’ might possibly involve a bloody invasion and fruitless ten-year occupation of Yemen.

Airlines, however, have reacted with dismay to the prospect of yet another layer of intrusive pestering of their customers.

"What happens, particularly in the coverage of the Yemeni issues of recent days, is that we have another huge lurch by the ‘securicrats’ into making travel even more uncomfortable and an even more tedious ordeal for the travelling public," warned Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary.

“That’s my job,” he asserted indignantly, revealing that he was in talks with Boeing about strengthening the cabin roofs of his 737 fleet to allow the suspension of his cheapskate passengers by their thumbs for the hellish duration of their flights.

‘Whoops,’ Say Labour MPs After Missing Chance To Vote Down Spending Review

The small number of coalition MPs present in the House of Commons today feared an embarrassing defeat when they realised that the Labour opposition had issued a three-line whip to its MPs, demanding their full attendance at the debate on the Comprehensive Spending Review – but breathed again when the deeply unpopular package was safely talked out of time at 6pm without a single Labour politician realising they could defeat it simply by asking the Speaker for a closure motion calling for a vote which they would certainly have won, with so many empty seats on the government benches.

“Sorry, I’m a bit new to this,” admitted Ed Miliband’s new chief whip appointee, Rosie Winterton. “Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.”

Rosie Winterton may not have a clue about how parliament works, but on the plus side she can spot a mirror at 500 metres

Experienced but red-faced Labour MPs have so far remained in their seats, and look set to remain there for some time rather than face grinning parliamentary journalists in the lobby.

“Look, you can’t expect busy Labour MPs to waste their precious time familiarising themselves with the standing orders of the place they are paid £65,738 a year plus expenses to work in – or, for that matter, thinking about anything in particular apart from what to wear when it’s their turn to appear on Question Time,” explained one former parliamentarian. “That’s what you appoint a camera-friendly muppet with a vacant smile full of superb cosmetic dentistry to the post of chief whip for.”

Housing Charity Confirms Boris Johnson’s Fears of Impending Servant Shortage

The homelessness charity Shelter today confirmed that London mayor Boris Johnson was right to express his concern that the government’s proposed cap on housing benefits would price the servant class out of the city, saying that research by Cambridge University clearly indicated that the majority of two-bedroom homes in Greater London would be priced beyond the reach of claimants.

“Without a pool of available labour on hand in the capital, Mr Johnson and his fellow Tory millionaires will be forced to club together to pay the costs of bussing their cleaners, drivers, valets and chimney sweeps down from the North of England and back every day,” said chief executive Campbell Robb.

“Of course, the comparatively minor shared expense of a few dozen minibuses might not lose them a great deal of sleep,” he added, “But perhaps they should ask themselves if they really want to place their lives and fragile, priceless household knick-knacks in the hands of a group of incomprehensible Northerners, who will be in a permanent semi-torpid state due to the daily rigours of a ten-hour round trip.”

PM David Cameron, however, remains unmoved - suggesting that he and other Tory grandees would be well-placed to mount an inexpensive bid for the athletes’ village currently under construction in the East End, once the London Olympics were over.

Hot-bunking should fit up to twelve skivvies into each hutch, says Cameron

“Owing to their strange lack of ensuite kitchen facilities, these accommodations are completely unviable for commercial letting purposes,” he pointed out. “On the other hand, this omission makes them perfect – and, of course, reassuringly cheap - barracks accommodation for our army of skivvies.”

Fry’s Harry Potter Leak Threatens Entire World, Insist Producers

Producers fear they will now have to scrap this set, or the movie magic will be lost forever

Film producers have warned that the safety of the world may now be under threat following the posting of a few snapshots of the Harry Potter sets on Stephen Fry’s Twitter page.

“The magic has gone,” wailed Alan Smithee, the film’s 2nd horrified deputy executive assistant associate producer. “Now nearly two million people know that Hogwarts school is destroyed in the final battle between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort, the secret is out and the on-screen magic will be permanently nullified.”

When Fry innocently pointed out that anyone who had read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows since its publication three years ago would already be well aware of the school’s destruction, Mr Smithee opened a bulging briefcase, letting the weighty tome fall with a thud onto his desk.

“Read that crap?” screamed Mr Smithee. “Who does this Fry guy think he’s kidding? Even the scriptwriters got bored and gave up after fifty pages.”

Haggard Britons Demand End To Tiresome Sum Ordeal

Facing once more the twice-yearly ordeal of trying to reset their alarm clocks, ovens, watches and cars to GMT, a hopelessly-confused British public renewed calls for the government to abolish the hated British Summer Time forever, before somebody’s brain tragically exploded.

“Do I, like, have to add one or take away?” howled a tear-streaked Sammi-Jo Bloggs, dropping her randomly-set collection of timepieces off at the council tip. “And why is it daylight? I can’t possibly be expected to do a sum every few months for the rest of my life. I’m talking to a solicitor first thing in the morning about compensation, yeah for like mental cruelty innit. If tomorrow is Monday, jenotameen? Is it?”

Horrible middle-class twerp Marcus Fellows sobbed in agreement, as he struggled to remove the dashboard of his Espace with an axe.

“The government ought to get its sodding act together and provide every last person in Britain with free radio-controlled clocks and watches,” he screeched. “And I want payment for the extra hour they’re forcing on me, too. I didn’t bloody ask for it. Call this democracy? You must be bloody joking, pal. I don’t remember Cameron putting this in his manifesto.”

“And another thing. If I live to be eighty - which I don’t think is an unreasonable expectation, since I don’t live in the North, thank God - they’ll have cut my life short by more than three days,” he added angrily. “You can bet your bottom dollar, matey, I’ll be wanting hefty compensation for that.”

Obliging Yemeni Terrorists Provide Timely Excuse For Keeping Airport Security Checks

A terror cell of operatives working for al-Qaeda or something have kindly given Western governments a spurious argument against airlines who want to see an end to excessive US-style passenger security checks, by obligingly sticking some inert plastic explosives inside a couple of toner cartridges, sellotaping a few wires to them and posting them airfreight to America labelled ‘BOMB - HANDLE WITH CARE’ .

One of the curiously inept bombs was miraculously discovered on a UPS cargo plane during a stopover at East Midlands Airport, while the other was fortuitously intercepted in Dubai.

“We have yet to determine whether the package we found is a viable explosive device,” announced home secretary Theresa May this morning. “We’ve tried dropping it a few times, but so far it hasn’t gone off. Next we’ll try sticking 240 volts through it, and if that fails we’ll give it a minute or two with a blowtorch. That ought to do it.”

Long-suffering passengers, meanwhile, are already pointing out to singularly unimpressed security officials that even if they were all subjected to vivisection during check-in, it wouldn’t exactly be an effective deterrent to a terrorist putting an airmail bomb in a postbox somewhere in the Middle East.

“I’m afraid such cavalier attitudes to security are missing the point,” responded Mrs May huffily. “The important thing is that if people start thinking too much about things like this, then the terrorists win.”

A dedicated suicide bomber could easily cram one of these up his arse, say experts

Meanwhile, the Yemeni government has promised a full investigation into the matter, right after it finds some way of establishing its authority beyond the walls of the parliament building.

Better Start Wiping Pensioners’ Bums If You’re Planning On Getting Old Yourself, Suggests Government

Mr Parsons can't wait to introduce you to his runny bottom

The government is studying with interest a plan to blackmail people into looking after the elderly in their free time, it was announced today.

The voluntary scheme would give people the freedom to decide whether to clean shit off the senile on a regular basis for the whole of their working lives, or die of neglect once they retire.

In Japan, where the scheme has been in operation since 1991, volunteers are entitled to ‘bank’ the hours they spend caring for the elderly in the hope that a future government might in some way take care of them in return when they reach old age.

“UK life expectancy is currently 80 years,” said care services minister Paul Burstard. “For most people, that’s going to mean well over 100,000 hours of retirement. Therefore, on a pro rata basis, today’s 18-year-olds should probably plan on spending about 40 hours a week of their spare time hauling dribbling senior citizens in an out of the bath, just to be on the safe side.”

Charities have given a cautious welcome to the general principle of encouraging people to volunteer, but also pointed out that this was “the stupidest fucking nonsense” they’d heard since the repeal of the Poor Laws in 1948.

Horrible Middle-Class Parents Demand Their Qualifications

Mr Fellows would like his GCSE in Media Studies now, please

Pushy parents - who, according to researchers at Leicester and Leeds universities, are largely responsible for their children’s academic achievements - are now demanding that any qualifications be awarded to them instead of the thick, bone-idle children whose Xboxes they had to physically remove from the house before they finally made a token attempt at a bit of homework.

“This report says my input is worth more than the combined efforts of my layabout son and all his teachers combined, am I right?” said insufferable twerp parent Marcus Fellows, 41. “Well, if it was all my hard work that was responsible for twelve GCSEs, kindly explain to me why they have that whiny little shit’s name on them and not mine.”

“They can sack those lefty waste-of-space teachers while they’re at it, and pay me their enormous salaries,” demanded the awful Mr Fellows. “And you can take it as read that I won’t be wasting any of it on a lifetime subscription to the Guardian.”

“Somebody had better bloody well sort out my three-month summer holiday, too,” he added.

Defence Review Criticism Unjustified In Light of Revived Hitler Clone Threat, Insists Defence Secretary

Just one of these aboard a nuclear submarine could have been catastrophic

Dr Liam Fox, the defence secretary, has angrily refuted a Royal United Services Institute survey of 2000 defence experts, in which the majority said the recent Strategic Defence Review represented a lost opportunity for a more challenging rethink.

“These so-called ‘experts’ can say what they like,” riposted Dr Fox from his new command centre, the long-disused Aldwych tube station, “But the only thing stopping an army of cloned Hitler cyborgs from goose-stepping down Tottenham Court Road right now is the very real threat of an independent British Armageddon.”

“Only this week, HMS Astute detected a determined Hitler clone with an aqualung trying to prise open one of its torpedo tubes with a giant Swiss Army penknife,” he warned. “Fortunately, the captain acted quickly to avert the danger by squashing this dangerous genetically-enhanced madman against the nearest sandbank. I’m sure you don’t need me to outline the dire consequences, should even a single Hitler have got loose aboard our most advanced nuclear strike submarine, but I will anyway.”

The defence secretary then spent several hours acting out one of his many doomsday fantasies, oblivious to the fact that the press centre had swiftly emptied.

Meanwhile, Admiralty chiefs were gamely attempting to explain how Britain’s defence capabilities will be enhanced by an empty aircraft carrier.

“Er… imagine a scenario in which the army is trying to mount a counter-attack against an invading army of genetically modified Hitlers, who are encamped on the other side of a ravine,” began the First Sea Lord, Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, with sweat running down his forehead. “But the only bridge is miles upwind, which would undoubtedly give the Hitlers their scent. However, if our new toy – er, carrier – were to stealthily back up and turn - hey presto! Instant crossing.”

“That’s the last thing they’d expect,” he added, before theatrically examining his watch and suddenly announcing that he was late for an urgent meeting.

Meanwhile, the RAF confidently announced that they would be alert and ready to deal with any conceivable threat to UK airspace - whether or not a Hitler clone was involved - as long as it took the form of a fifty-year old propellor-driven Tupolev.