Labour Giants Deliver Keynote Sobs To TV Addicts

Stores are running out of mops and sponges today, as the British electorate grimly prepares to be deluged by floods of crocodile tears from senior Labour figures in the forthcoming general election.

Prime minister Gordon Brown set the ball rolling, when he started blubbing his eyes out during a hard-hitting interview with Piers Morgan. When the ferocious political journalist asked him how he thought the death of his prematurely-born daughter in 2002 had informed his economic policy decisions as chancellor, the normally stony-faced PM inhaled deeply from a bag of onions before welling up and bawling his little heart out on his shocked inquisitor's sleeve.

After the cameras were repositioned for extra cut-in footage, the prime minister composed himself, asked the director if he needed another take and moved onto a question about whether he was a tit man or a leg man.

While Mr Brown's waterworks will not be broadcast until next Sunday, Labour spin doctor Alastair Campbell provided a sneak preview of what sympathetic audiences can expect when he burst into tears during The Andrew Marr Show this morning. When the horror-eared Marr mentioned Campbell's shite novel, the shoulders of Tony Blair's former propagandist-in-chief shook uncontrollably as he reached in his pocket for a rubber bulb which sent jets of water spraying from his eyes, drenching the floor manager and shorting out the studio lights.

Mr Campbell later claimed that, by giving the free plug for his novel as arranged, Marr was cynically planting the deliberately-misleading impression in the viewers' minds that the infamous WMD dossier he compiled in 2002 for his patron saint, Tony Blair, could in some way be mistaken for a steaming crock of horseshit.

A Labour Party spokesman later denied that the weepfest could be part of a wider election strategy aimed at picking up sympathy votes from the sort of mindless fuckwits who vote for the saddest case every week on Britain's Got Talent because they can only react to obvious outbursts of emotion, in much the same way that plants grow in the direction of sunlight.

"If we won by turning the election into a public spectacle of mawkish grief by sidestepping the serious issues facing Britain in favour of a maudlin appeal to cheap sentimentality," he said, "I'm sure Gordon Brown would feel honour-bound to tell the Queen he couldn't, in all conscience, form a government."

UK To Keep Waving Enormous Nuclear Cock At Rest of World

Notwithstanding suggestions that a separate army, navy and air force may soon be unsustainable, defence minister Bob Ainsworth today promised the nation that the future of the UK's enormous nuclear cock is assured.

In a speech intended to reassure the Daily Mail that the sun has still not set on the British Empire, Mr Ainsworth also said it was likely that the construction of two new aircraft carriers will also go ahead - although they may not actually carry any aircraft. Or crew.

"With the country defended by two vast floating bricks and an enormous nuclear cock that can be unzipped and waved menacingly at any aggressor within minutes of the Americans agreeing to give us the launch codes, the British people can feel completely safe from any sneak attack from a resurgent Zulu nation or the dreaded Fuzzy-Wuzzies," promised the defence secretary. "And you hardly need three services to operate that kind of hardware. One TA corporal and a few deckhands from the Isle of Skye ferry should be enough to meet out future defence requirements."

"Which is just as well," he added, "Since there won't be any money left in the pot for anyone else."

A spokesman for the Fuzzy-Wuzzies privately admitted that they would not like Britain's enormous nuclear cock up them.

Artificial Woman - Pretend Parrot Wedding Exclusive

A pair of huge plastic breasts married a man who pretends to be an angry pet parrot today, in a private, simple ceremony in Las Vegas which will be splashed all over the next issue of Hello Bella OK Take a Break.

Nothing else of any consequence at all happened anywhere in the entire fucking world.

Tories Would Strangle Economic Recovery, Says Mandelson - Like This

Likening David Cameron and George Osborne to Laurel and Hardy, business secretary Lord Mandelson - dangling precariously from a clock face overhanging a busy Westminster street - warned that a Conservative government would "strangle the recovery at birth - like this."

To howls of derisive laughter, the acknowledged master of comic timing then slashed £449m from universities' budgets before plummeting to the ground, where the frontage of the Palace of Westminster fell on him.

Our National Sport

As a bankrupt Britain moves closer to the most important election in a generation, the media swung into action to explain the issues people face in their struggle to keep their heads above water - by throwing huge sums of money at the owner of the orifice that proved irrestistible to a man who gets paid stupid amounts just to kick a ball around.

"The story of Vanessa Perroncel's fadge is, quite simply, the story of everybody in Britain," explained publicist Max Clifford this morning. "She just lay there with a big dopey grin on her face, while rich morons queued up to shaft her senseless."

September 16: Altartag

The Pope today confirmed that he plans to invade Britain later this year, accusing the government of discrimination over its refusal to let Catholics discriminate against gay adoptive parents.

The Popeblitz will strike Birmingham first, he vowed, having chosen the historically-significant date of September 16th - the day after his predecessor's attempt to visit Britain collapsed in 1940.

"Your pathetic little island is well-known for its firm commitment to equality of opportunity for all members of society," he lied to his legions of goose-stepping Fifth Columnists. "Yet, as you have rightly pointed out, the effect of some of the legislation designed to achieve this goal has been to impose unjust restrictions on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their god-like dictator's belief that all the wicked sodomites should be rounded up and gassed."

"Unless, of course, they happen to be Catholic priests," he added. "In which case: least said, soonest mended."

In response to the Pope's declaration of Altartag, the National Secular Society has begun to distribute bum shelters to the population of Birmingham.

Thatcher Insanity Traced Back to 1979

Former prime minister Baroness Thatcher was as mad as a hatter even before winning the 1979 general election, according to new papers which fell out of her old handbag.

A note - hand-scrawled in crayon on the back of a vet's prescription for horse steroids - shows that Mrs Thatcher was ravenously consuming 28 testicles a day in preparation for the election campaign which swept her to power.

"It appears that Mrs Thatcher may have got the idea into her head that the way for a woman to succeed in the male-dominated corridors of power was to become a she-man herself," commented a health fascist this morning. "According to cannibal beliefs, a warrior can acquire the characteristics of their enemy by eating the body parts associated with those characteristics."

"Just don't ask what she washed them down with," added the dietician with a shudder. "There's probably a reason why Denis looked so drained back then."

Other documents which fell out of a stuffed diary show dozens of receipts for razor blades, which the diary reveals were needed in quantity to remove the rapidly-increasing growth of hair from her legs, chest and arse.

Any Any Any Old Iron

Gordon Brown has gatecrashed a jam-selling fundraising event organised by suburban housewife Carol Ann Duffy to announce that he has bought up the nation's entire scrapyard supply of corrugated iron. He also promised to ship it out to the earthquake-hit island on the next returning banana boat.

"What these desperate, starving people need is something to occupy their minds," declared Mr Brown. "No point dwelling on your misfortunes, as Lord Mandelson keeps telling me, you'll just end up getting yourself down."

All that scrap iron only cost £35,000, and I've got a whopping £19.965m that I haven't spent yet burning a hole in my pocket for a Caribbean version of Scrapheap Challenge," smiled Mr Brown, as angry housewives tried to eject him from the jam sale. "I've got cabinet ministers scouring the scrap dealers of Britain for a van with no roof, a compact engine with lots of bottom-end torque and a dumper truck with a leaky universal joint. That's what the people of Haiti are crying out for. Set them the task of building hurricane-proof shelters out of tin - or better, something completely barmy like a vertical take-off submarine - and watch their little faces light up with glee."

Meanwhile, British Nuclear Fuels Limited pointed out that they have plenty of nice, hot reprocessed nuclear waste available to ship out to the ruined capital, Port-au-Prince.

"I reckon we could clear out Sellafield for, oh, say about £19.965m," said a BNFL spokesman today. "That's just covering our costs, you understand."

News Broken

The news is broken, it was discovered today in the small hours of the morning. The damage is said to be irreparable.

Alarmed TV news presenters have, in recent years, warned the public that the news was breaking on numerous occasions. However, at approximately nine minutes past four this morning a loud twang finally signalled the long-feared, catastrophic breakage.

"I was just having my make-up adjusted before Politics For Insomniacs went on air when I heard the sound every journalist dreads," said a shaken Andrew Neill. "I ran into the News 24 recording cupboard and there was the news lying face down on the floor - broken."

It was the same all over the world, with fragmentary stories coming in from every corner of the globe. Meanwhile, as the massive clear-up operation begins, the chances of repairing the news are said to be extremely slim.

"The problem these days is that so much of the world's news is cheaply manufactured by PR companies," sobbed Jeremy Paxman, who is now facing a lifetime of unemployment. "There simply aren't any journalists left with experience of constructing stories from scratch, using just the facts they found for themselves. Nowadays, frankly, you're lucky if they've even tinkered a bit with some pre-packaged rubbish that's probably been churned out by China."

Emergency services are already trying to find out just who actually broke the news for good. US authorities initially arrested News International tycoon Rupert Murdoch, over frequent claims by Fox News Channel that it was the first to break the news - but he was released without charge when investigators uncovered no traces of news at all in the station's studios.

Now the finger of suspicion is pointing towards the United Kingdom, as forensic specialists piece together mounting evidence that the last story the British media were covering at the time of the breakage was about Celebrity Big Brother having been won by a man who pretends to be a very angry budgerigar for a living.

World Safer After Invasion of Poland, Insists Hitler

Giving evidence today at the long-delayed inquiry into the Second World War, former statesman Adolf Hitler insisted today that the terrible global conflict he started had in fact made the world a safer place.

"Look," he told the inquiry panel in a rare return to the living world, "The fact is, there was clear evidence that Poland had the ability to send horse troops across our borders within 45 minutes. I have no regrets about the decisions that were made at the time, acting on the best information available from the Minister for Propaganda, Dr Goebbels."

Mr Hitler denied that his chief objective in invading Poland was regime change, but declared defiantly that Poland had become a haven of peace and tranquility after the removal of President Mościcki.

"I am proud of the part I played in making sure that millions of Poles never had a care in the world again," he screamed.

Mr Hitler also scoffed at accusations that he had secretly made an agreement over the Polish issue with the Soviet leader, Josef Stalin.

"It was clear to me long before those talks that Poland represented a major threat to the safety of the world," he insisted. "Mr Stalin and I were both of the opinion that the dismembering of the Polish nation must be seen to be carried out strictly according to our view of the legal frameworks set out by the hated, ineffectual League of Nations."

"Believe me," he added, "Between us, we went through quite a lot of lawyers before we found one who was willing to agree with our interpretation of international law."

Throughout the questioning, Mr Hitler stoutly maintained his stance that the invasion was not carried out to bring about regime change, but to remove the terrible threat posed to the entire world by deadly Polish cavalry. He said he was personally disappointed that the world had been somewhat riven by disagreements following the invasion of Poland by German and Soviet troops, but promised that he would do it all again given half a chance.

As he left the hearing, grieving relatives of the 5,533,000 German soldiers who lost their lives as a result of the invasion of Poland shouted angrily at their unrepentant former leader as he was led back down to Hell, where he now holds a lucrative post on the board of directors.