The head of Dyfed-Powys Police has revealed that his officers regularly rely on Facebook's Horoscopes application to solve crimes, after a local paper reported that detectives followed up several leads supplied by psychic friends of a Lampeter murder victim.
Chief Constable Ian Arundale, who holds a master's degree in Criminology and Criminal Justice, told reporters from the Cambrian News: "Dyfed-Powys Police are proud to be working with the cutting edge of crime-fighting technology. At this very moment, the Geminis of the vice squad are raiding a chapel in Aberaeron, acting on reliable information that today is an opportunity to look for love in the most unexpected places. And I've got my best undercover Taurean staking out the station at Llanwrtyd Wells, acting on a hot tip-off that a new arrival could lead great changes in the life of a friend."
Mr Arundale also issued a frank appeal to the Welsh criminal fraternity to join his Mafia Wars gang, so he could progress to the next level.
Showing posts with label Wales. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wales. Show all posts
Friday, 6 November 2009
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Lah-Di-Dah Welshmen Too Far Up Own Arses To Propose On Chavmobile, Complains Arriva
A bus company has hit out at the stuck-up people of Wrexham for having a modicum of taste, after nobody sank low enough to fall for their tacky marketing ploy of renting out a tarted-up bus for romantic dorks to propose on.
A spokesman for Arriva Wales said that, despite displaying "Will You Marry Me?" on its destination board and bearing choice treats from the master chocolatiers of Lidl and a bottle of best bubbly Lambrini, "not a single snooty Welsh ponce" had come forward with the cash to hire the 'love bus'.
"We ran the same offer in Yorkshire and found a willing mug," he fumed. "But obviously the lords and ladies of Wrexham are far too bloody high and mighty to roll up in a garishly-coloured bus and pop the question while hanging on for dear life in the baby-buggy stowage area as the driver stamps on the pedals. Well, bugger the lot of them - since they're so bleeding posh, the fares are going up on Monday."
"Next year, we'll give it a go in Swansea," he added. "They'll lap it up down there, they're not proud."
However, several prospective grooms from the city claimed that other factors had dissuaded them from declaring their undying love on a bus - for example, it didn't go anywhere near their loved ones' house, it would probably turn up late or not at all, it would swiftly fill up with freeloading coffin-dodgers using it as a day centre on wheels, and the back seats would certainly be infested by shouty teenage chavs whose vocabulary consisted mainly of the word 'fuck'.
"I can get all that down the pub, can't I?" commented one amorously-inclined Wrexhamite. "Which is where I'll be proposing to Sharon tonight, after about ten pints of SA."
A spokesman for Arriva Wales said that, despite displaying "Will You Marry Me?" on its destination board and bearing choice treats from the master chocolatiers of Lidl and a bottle of best bubbly Lambrini, "not a single snooty Welsh ponce" had come forward with the cash to hire the 'love bus'.
"We ran the same offer in Yorkshire and found a willing mug," he fumed. "But obviously the lords and ladies of Wrexham are far too bloody high and mighty to roll up in a garishly-coloured bus and pop the question while hanging on for dear life in the baby-buggy stowage area as the driver stamps on the pedals. Well, bugger the lot of them - since they're so bleeding posh, the fares are going up on Monday."
"Next year, we'll give it a go in Swansea," he added. "They'll lap it up down there, they're not proud."
However, several prospective grooms from the city claimed that other factors had dissuaded them from declaring their undying love on a bus - for example, it didn't go anywhere near their loved ones' house, it would probably turn up late or not at all, it would swiftly fill up with freeloading coffin-dodgers using it as a day centre on wheels, and the back seats would certainly be infested by shouty teenage chavs whose vocabulary consisted mainly of the word 'fuck'.
"I can get all that down the pub, can't I?" commented one amorously-inclined Wrexhamite. "Which is where I'll be proposing to Sharon tonight, after about ten pints of SA."
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Legendary Welsh Sense of Humour Still Not Discovered
An unholy row is brewing in Aberystwyth, with a vicar vehemently opposing the mayor’s attempts to overturn a 29-year-old ban on Monty Python’s Life of Brian.
Mayor Sue Jones-Davies, who played the non-messiah Brian’s girlfriend in the 1979 movie, was amazed that the once-controversial comedy was still the subject of a ban by Ceredigion council originally recommended by a council of local church leaders.
“I did a nude scene with Graham Chapman,” said Ms Jones-Davies, “And I think the people of Aberystwyth should have the opportunity to see for themselves that their new mayor has quite an impressive pair on her.”
Hatchet-faced pulpit-basher Reverend Canon Stuart Bell, however, is adamant that the ban should stay.
“Perhaps in 1979 the mayor’s puppies were quite appealing,” he said grimly. “But the idea that an ordinary man might appear on screen in bed with a woman is a terrible affront to our wrathful and entirely humourless God, who will surely smite Wales from the face of the Earth should our dour, repressed vigilance falter.”
The mayor has vowed to fight on, and said that if the ban was not revoked she would take her controversial baps to the streets of Aberystwyth.
Locals churchgoers were not impressed, however. “Sue’s charlies might have been a serious threat to public morals back in 1979,” said one, “But we really don’t want them shoved in our faces now.”
Mayor Sue Jones-Davies, who played the non-messiah Brian’s girlfriend in the 1979 movie, was amazed that the once-controversial comedy was still the subject of a ban by Ceredigion council originally recommended by a council of local church leaders.
“I did a nude scene with Graham Chapman,” said Ms Jones-Davies, “And I think the people of Aberystwyth should have the opportunity to see for themselves that their new mayor has quite an impressive pair on her.”
Hatchet-faced pulpit-basher Reverend Canon Stuart Bell, however, is adamant that the ban should stay.
“Perhaps in 1979 the mayor’s puppies were quite appealing,” he said grimly. “But the idea that an ordinary man might appear on screen in bed with a woman is a terrible affront to our wrathful and entirely humourless God, who will surely smite Wales from the face of the Earth should our dour, repressed vigilance falter.”
The mayor has vowed to fight on, and said that if the ban was not revoked she would take her controversial baps to the streets of Aberystwyth.
Locals churchgoers were not impressed, however. “Sue’s charlies might have been a serious threat to public morals back in 1979,” said one, “But we really don’t want them shoved in our faces now.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)