As it was revealed that a small number of Ford Transit vans share the same defective Chinese-made accelerator pedal that caused the urgent recall of 1.8m Toyotas in Europe and 3.4m in the United States, worried vehicle owners around the world are desperately searching for a car that might not kill them.
"I thought Hondas were a pretty safe bet," said one concerned parent. "But they're recalling cars over a window-heater switch that incinerates the entire car when it fails. It looks like I'll be doing a lot of walking from now on."
China insisted that it was working hard to develop a product that actually worked.
"Unfortunately, our courts would be facing a huge backlog if we tried and executed every factory manager with a laissez-faire attitude to quality control," said a spokesman for the Chinese government. "And international calls for fair trials aren't going to make things any easier."
With scant hopes of finding a car in production today without at least one potentially-lethal Chinese component waiting to maim, roast or skewer its hapless occupants, the British government is rumoured to be considering a non-scrappage scheme, in which owners of cars more than ten years old would be paid £2000 not to replace them with a murderous new model.
Friday, 29 January 2010
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
End This Failed Democratic Experiment, Urge Top Civil Servants
The way Britain is governed has gone seriously wrong and is in urgent need of reform, according to a group of former Whitehall mandarins.
The 'Bugger Government' Initiative points the finger of blame for ill thought-out legislation squarely at ministers, whom it says are untrained and move on too swiftly to ever get to grips with the complexities of their departments.
"These bloody clowns come and go with the tides," claims the report, whose authors include the former Iraq inquiry chairman Lord Butler, current Iraq inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot and MPs' expenses auditor Sir Thomas Legg. "They are hideously unqualified to run their departments, and just when you think you've finally got the silly sods housetrained, they go and balls it up by listening to public opinion. Next thing you know, there's been another damn fool election - and in through the revolving door comes another grinning chimp. Where's the continuity? It's madness."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who, incidentally, has proved the report's point by his exemplary handling of the economy through ten uninterrupted years as Chancellor of the Exchequer - is studying the report with interest.
"If truth be told, I've never been a great fan of representative democracy," he told reporters, as he was being fitted for a purple toga in Number Ten. "I've barely been prime minister for two years, and in a couple of months some grinning twerp is going to waltz in here and wreck the fruits of all my hard work before I've really even got started. Perhaps it's not too late to wallop a quick bit of legislation through under the Parliament Act, abolishing all this voting malarkey. Then I can hand-pick the most gifted geniuses from the City meritocracy and get the country well and truly back on its feet."
The 'Bugger Government' Initiative points the finger of blame for ill thought-out legislation squarely at ministers, whom it says are untrained and move on too swiftly to ever get to grips with the complexities of their departments.
"These bloody clowns come and go with the tides," claims the report, whose authors include the former Iraq inquiry chairman Lord Butler, current Iraq inquiry chairman Sir John Chilcot and MPs' expenses auditor Sir Thomas Legg. "They are hideously unqualified to run their departments, and just when you think you've finally got the silly sods housetrained, they go and balls it up by listening to public opinion. Next thing you know, there's been another damn fool election - and in through the revolving door comes another grinning chimp. Where's the continuity? It's madness."
Prime Minister Gordon Brown - who, incidentally, has proved the report's point by his exemplary handling of the economy through ten uninterrupted years as Chancellor of the Exchequer - is studying the report with interest.
"If truth be told, I've never been a great fan of representative democracy," he told reporters, as he was being fitted for a purple toga in Number Ten. "I've barely been prime minister for two years, and in a couple of months some grinning twerp is going to waltz in here and wreck the fruits of all my hard work before I've really even got started. Perhaps it's not too late to wallop a quick bit of legislation through under the Parliament Act, abolishing all this voting malarkey. Then I can hand-pick the most gifted geniuses from the City meritocracy and get the country well and truly back on its feet."
Apple To Launch New Must-Have Thing
Your hollow life will improve beyond all recognition from 6pm tonight, when Apple's latest shiny gadget goes on sale without the time-wasting charade of a product launch.
The highly-desirable object's function and form have been kept a closely-guarded secret, and Apple plan to steal a march on their commercial rivals by keeping it that way.
"Trust me when I say that owning this latest Apple device will make you the envy of all your friends," said a high priest from the cutting-edge manufacturer of tech toys. "It will do everything you ever dreamed of, and many things you didn't, because - unlike us - you are constrained by your feeble human imaginations. Go forth and place your orders. Now."
The product's price is also being kept strictly under wraps. Gadget-addicted Apple worshippers will be ordered to provide their bank account details and sign a gagging clause, under which they will have their kneecaps removed if they ever disclose how much money was taken out - or indeed show the dream technology to anyone, even close family members.
For weeks, the world of pointless gadgetry has been rife with speculation concerning the transformational new Apple product.
"It could be a revolutionary new computer which dispenses with the input/output interface completely," said tech-blogger Josh Geake. "Or it could be a perpetual motion machine, or a pocket-sized gryphon, or possibly God in a shiny white box."
"One thing is sure," he added. "Whatever happens, under no circumstances will the battery spontaneously burst into flames - ow, my fucking knees..."
The highly-desirable object's function and form have been kept a closely-guarded secret, and Apple plan to steal a march on their commercial rivals by keeping it that way.
"Trust me when I say that owning this latest Apple device will make you the envy of all your friends," said a high priest from the cutting-edge manufacturer of tech toys. "It will do everything you ever dreamed of, and many things you didn't, because - unlike us - you are constrained by your feeble human imaginations. Go forth and place your orders. Now."
The product's price is also being kept strictly under wraps. Gadget-addicted Apple worshippers will be ordered to provide their bank account details and sign a gagging clause, under which they will have their kneecaps removed if they ever disclose how much money was taken out - or indeed show the dream technology to anyone, even close family members.
For weeks, the world of pointless gadgetry has been rife with speculation concerning the transformational new Apple product.
"It could be a revolutionary new computer which dispenses with the input/output interface completely," said tech-blogger Josh Geake. "Or it could be a perpetual motion machine, or a pocket-sized gryphon, or possibly God in a shiny white box."
"One thing is sure," he added. "Whatever happens, under no circumstances will the battery spontaneously burst into flames - ow, my fucking knees..."
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Recession Over; Pound Plummets
As the British economy finally burst out of recession today after recording economic growth of 21p, two washers, a bottle cap and a button, the international money markets reacted to the cheering news by sending the pound nosediving to a horrifying low of 1.6158 dollars (1.1482 euros; 1.1264 bottle caps; 1.0174 washers; parity with the button).
"Make no mistake - thanks to my inspired search down the back of the sofa, Britain's economy is well and truly back on the rails," beamed chancellor Alistair Darling. "Only today, the Evening Standard reports not only that unemployment in Britain has fallen by one, but a cheap restaurant had a booking for a table for two."
"Yes, the boom starts here," he went on. "Not that we're going back to the bad old days of boom-and-bust economics, of course. No, this one's going to last forever."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to draft a quick bill to change the currency of Britain to the washer," he added.
"Make no mistake - thanks to my inspired search down the back of the sofa, Britain's economy is well and truly back on the rails," beamed chancellor Alistair Darling. "Only today, the Evening Standard reports not only that unemployment in Britain has fallen by one, but a cheap restaurant had a booking for a table for two."
"Yes, the boom starts here," he went on. "Not that we're going back to the bad old days of boom-and-bust economics, of course. No, this one's going to last forever."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to draft a quick bill to change the currency of Britain to the washer," he added.
Unemployed Americans Looking Forward To Being Patronised By Supercilious Englishman
Trailer parks across the United States are emptying rapidly as millions of unemployed Americans head for ITV's California studios, hoping for a chance to be patronised in front of the nation by Jeremy Kyle.
"Whee-doggie!" said Cletus McCoy, an inbred Arkansas hooch addict and father of ten. "Ah jes' cain't wait ta be told ta grow a backbone bah a gen-yew-ine Limey girly man!"
"Sherralee, ya cocksuckin' bitch!" he added. "Git me mah shotgun!"
"Whee-doggie!" said Cletus McCoy, an inbred Arkansas hooch addict and father of ten. "Ah jes' cain't wait ta be told ta grow a backbone bah a gen-yew-ine Limey girly man!"
"Sherralee, ya cocksuckin' bitch!" he added. "Git me mah shotgun!"
Monday, 25 January 2010
Government to Award Huge IT Contracts To Facebook Programming Geniuses
Following today's admission that new tax office software has sent out the wrong tax codes for 2010/11, affecting millions of Britons, the government today announced that it was adding a new company to its list of preferred bidders on lucrative IT schemes.
"We are proud to add Facebook to our prestigious list of quality software specialists," said PM Gordon Brown. "They can look forward to receiving hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayers' money, taking their rightful place among the pantheon of highly-skilled IT contractors of the calibre of EDS, Capita, BT and my cousin's neighbour's 17-year-old son."
Facebook's crack programming team celebrated the news with a bumper bag of Doritos and a 3-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.
"Moss had this brilliant idea for combining all of the government's databases into one huge file," said IT manager Jen Barber. "It'll be stored on Roy's Blackberry, assuming he can find it under all the empty crisp packets."
Meanwhile, industry analysts are wondering why the software responsible for paying billions out to useless IT providers seems to work just fine.
"We are proud to add Facebook to our prestigious list of quality software specialists," said PM Gordon Brown. "They can look forward to receiving hundreds of millions of pounds of taxpayers' money, taking their rightful place among the pantheon of highly-skilled IT contractors of the calibre of EDS, Capita, BT and my cousin's neighbour's 17-year-old son."
Facebook's crack programming team celebrated the news with a bumper bag of Doritos and a 3-litre bottle of Coca-Cola.
"Moss had this brilliant idea for combining all of the government's databases into one huge file," said IT manager Jen Barber. "It'll be stored on Roy's Blackberry, assuming he can find it under all the empty crisp packets."
Meanwhile, industry analysts are wondering why the software responsible for paying billions out to useless IT providers seems to work just fine.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Top General Urges Defence Spending On Computer Security, Not Things That Go Bang
The head of the British Army, General Sir David Richards, today launched a sensational attack on the government's defence spending on traditional weapons the country cannot afford, claiming that the MoD should concentrate on cyber-threats instead and pop down to PC World to pick up Norton 360 for fifty quid.
"I am not proposing that we get rid of all our more traditional military capability," said Sir David. For example, we can keep our fleet of sixties-designed Harriers flying until they fall apart. As for our aircraft carrier program, why not just plonk a Harrier or two on every cross-channel ferry instead?"
Citing the estimated £110m unit cost of the delayed next-generation Nimrod MRA4 aircraft, Sir David pointed out that, in a crisis, the government would spend less if it simply requisitioned every restored Spitfire and Hurricane in the country.
"They were good enough to win the Battle of Britain," he pointed out confidently.
Urging the use of unpiloted reconnaissance drones, Britain's top soldier pointed out that radio-controlled replicas of the legendary Lockheed SR-71 'Blackbird' spy-plane were available on the internet for a bargain $279.99.
He also called for Britain's front-line troops to be phased out and replaced with the country's leading Call of Duty 2 players.
"Anyone who can complete that game is clearly a top-notch machine killer with the lightning reactions needed for the electronic battlefields of tomorrow," he said. "And as long as they get a regular supply of Doritos and Red Bull, they'll work for nothing."
"I am not proposing that we get rid of all our more traditional military capability," said Sir David. For example, we can keep our fleet of sixties-designed Harriers flying until they fall apart. As for our aircraft carrier program, why not just plonk a Harrier or two on every cross-channel ferry instead?"
Citing the estimated £110m unit cost of the delayed next-generation Nimrod MRA4 aircraft, Sir David pointed out that, in a crisis, the government would spend less if it simply requisitioned every restored Spitfire and Hurricane in the country.
"They were good enough to win the Battle of Britain," he pointed out confidently.
Urging the use of unpiloted reconnaissance drones, Britain's top soldier pointed out that radio-controlled replicas of the legendary Lockheed SR-71 'Blackbird' spy-plane were available on the internet for a bargain $279.99.
He also called for Britain's front-line troops to be phased out and replaced with the country's leading Call of Duty 2 players.
"Anyone who can complete that game is clearly a top-notch machine killer with the lightning reactions needed for the electronic battlefields of tomorrow," he said. "And as long as they get a regular supply of Doritos and Red Bull, they'll work for nothing."
Date Set For Blair's Record Bullshitting Attempt
Former PM Tony Blair will begin his attempt to smash the world record for bullshitting on January 29th, said a spokesman for the Chilcot Inquiry into events leading up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq.
Mr Blair already holds the record for Longest Sustained Bullshitting after 10 years and 57 days in office. However, he is hoping that, at some point during the 2-4 weeks he is expected to spend before the committee, he will also be able to snatch the crown for sheer quantity of bullshit delivered in one 24-hour period.
"Our test-run questioning of Alastair Campbell last week revealed defects in our bullshit-removal apparatus, after the wheelbarrow collapsed under the sheer weight of crap pouring out of Mr Blair's top advisor," said Mr Chilcot. "So we are installing a conveyor belt to deliver Mr Blair's crap straight into a fleet of waiting skips, which will deliver his reeking ordure straight to the front page of your daily paper every morning."
Mr Blair already holds the record for Longest Sustained Bullshitting after 10 years and 57 days in office. However, he is hoping that, at some point during the 2-4 weeks he is expected to spend before the committee, he will also be able to snatch the crown for sheer quantity of bullshit delivered in one 24-hour period.
"Our test-run questioning of Alastair Campbell last week revealed defects in our bullshit-removal apparatus, after the wheelbarrow collapsed under the sheer weight of crap pouring out of Mr Blair's top advisor," said Mr Chilcot. "So we are installing a conveyor belt to deliver Mr Blair's crap straight into a fleet of waiting skips, which will deliver his reeking ordure straight to the front page of your daily paper every morning."
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Obscenely Overvalued Pigs Snap Up Obscenely Overvalued Pigs
As the cash-strapped British public digs deep into its pockets to raise millions of pounds for Haitian earthquake relief, top London grocer Selfridges has come up with an innovative new way to help the City's banking community to flaunt its utter contempt for basic human decency by tempting them to squander £1,800 on a pig's leg.
The world's most expensive ham comes complete with its own DNA certificate proving that it was hacked off the back end of a pig. 50 limited-edition pigs picked out by Spanish bleeder Manuel Malbastardo were humanely spared from spending their brief lives trying not to drown in their own shit, then lovingly slaughtered by sloe-eyed virgins. After being left to ripen for three years, the pig legs were put in made-to-measure boxes made of wood from the one true cross and blessed by three popes, which were then wrapped in aprons handmade from the skin of a peasant by Spain's most unscrupulous tailor.
"Uncaring fat cat bankers will appreciate the melt-in-the-mouth price tag of this truly amazing Spanish pig leg," explained Selfishes' Obscene Food Buyer. "When you think about how much pseudo-gourmet bollocks you'll yammer as you greedily spray gobbets of dead pig all over the impoverished clients to whose accounts you're charging it, it's actually amazing value for money."
The world's most expensive ham comes complete with its own DNA certificate proving that it was hacked off the back end of a pig. 50 limited-edition pigs picked out by Spanish bleeder Manuel Malbastardo were humanely spared from spending their brief lives trying not to drown in their own shit, then lovingly slaughtered by sloe-eyed virgins. After being left to ripen for three years, the pig legs were put in made-to-measure boxes made of wood from the one true cross and blessed by three popes, which were then wrapped in aprons handmade from the skin of a peasant by Spain's most unscrupulous tailor.
"Uncaring fat cat bankers will appreciate the melt-in-the-mouth price tag of this truly amazing Spanish pig leg," explained Selfishes' Obscene Food Buyer. "When you think about how much pseudo-gourmet bollocks you'll yammer as you greedily spray gobbets of dead pig all over the impoverished clients to whose accounts you're charging it, it's actually amazing value for money."
Nev Filter Not A Fan Of i bileve NEthing im told on facebok
Unpopular satire blog The Nev Filter today failed in its duty to join several Facebook groups and fan pages, after making the fatal mistake of thinking 'hang on a minute' before clicking the Join button and gleefully following whatever stupid or harmful instructions followed.
A spokesman for Facebook Brain Control Inc said that the company had received numerous complaints from spammers, hackers, con-artists and paranoid delusionists stating that the Nev Filter was selfishly blocking the development of the human race by pointedly refusing to participate in the evolutionary leap from Homo sapiens to Homo credens.
"After receiving numerous reports, we have set up a group called I BET I CAN GET 1,000,000 PPL 2 COMPLAN ABOUT THE NEV FILTER," he said. "I urge all obedient Facebook slaves to join this group immediately."
"I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, filthy rich as we are from our lucrative advertising revenues, Facebook has no plans to force users to pay £14.99 or £3.99, or indeed to receive a sharp stick up the arse," he added. "Since that's just what we would say, isn't it, that should keep those fucktard-magnet groups ticking along nicely."
So far the Nev Filter has blatantly refused to honour its obligation to spread the viral wares of the legitimate spammers of the world, by stubbornly refusing to cut and paste a segment of incomprehensible Javascript.
"I appreciate that I am completely out of touch with the laid-back, trusting youth of today," admitted Neville Shite, the blogger who is now Facebook Enemy Number 1. "But when somebody promises me a free Dell laptop or a desperately-needed Dislike button in return for simply spamming 20 of my friends or hacking my own account, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of my devious, suspicion-riddled mind."
"I even started a group called 'u no i think ther may b bad ppl out ther'," he added. "Needless to say, within minutes a million hollow-eyed robots promptly joined it, and just as promptly forgot all about it. Go figure."
A spokesman for Facebook Brain Control Inc said that the company had received numerous complaints from spammers, hackers, con-artists and paranoid delusionists stating that the Nev Filter was selfishly blocking the development of the human race by pointedly refusing to participate in the evolutionary leap from Homo sapiens to Homo credens.
"After receiving numerous reports, we have set up a group called I BET I CAN GET 1,000,000 PPL 2 COMPLAN ABOUT THE NEV FILTER," he said. "I urge all obedient Facebook slaves to join this group immediately."
"I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that, filthy rich as we are from our lucrative advertising revenues, Facebook has no plans to force users to pay £14.99 or £3.99, or indeed to receive a sharp stick up the arse," he added. "Since that's just what we would say, isn't it, that should keep those fucktard-magnet groups ticking along nicely."
So far the Nev Filter has blatantly refused to honour its obligation to spread the viral wares of the legitimate spammers of the world, by stubbornly refusing to cut and paste a segment of incomprehensible Javascript.
"I appreciate that I am completely out of touch with the laid-back, trusting youth of today," admitted Neville Shite, the blogger who is now Facebook Enemy Number 1. "But when somebody promises me a free Dell laptop or a desperately-needed Dislike button in return for simply spamming 20 of my friends or hacking my own account, a little alarm bell goes off in the back of my devious, suspicion-riddled mind."
"I even started a group called 'u no i think ther may b bad ppl out ther'," he added. "Needless to say, within minutes a million hollow-eyed robots promptly joined it, and just as promptly forgot all about it. Go figure."
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