Other Energy Suppliers Call For EDF To Be Sectioned

The five other major energy suppliers are desperately ringing doctors today, trying to get rival EDF carted off under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act after it announced a crazy plan to cut consumers’ gas bills by 5%.

British Gas responds to the EDF challenge

“What customers want more than anything else is fair, clear and transparent prices. We know they want action rather than words. That is why we are the first major supplier in history to announce a cut, my avian masters!” EDF Energy’s chief executive Vincent de Rivaz told the pelicans in St James’ Park, naked as the day he was born.

As white-coated British Gas psychiatrists chased him around the park with nets, the fleeing lunatic screamed: “I’m not mad! Thanks to November’s 15% price hike, we’re still 9.6% up on the deal!”

Motorists Inexplicably Happy About Scarcely Relevant 1p Fuel Duty Rethink

We're saved

Britain’s long-suffering but easily-pleased drivers were ecstatic today over the news that prime minister David Cameron may reconsider the planned 1p rise in fuel duty due next month.

“Given that every 10p rise in the cost of a litre results in an extra 4½p for the government, and prices have already soared by 8p since this time last month – and remember, that’s on the back of the additional 2½% VAT windfall – well, let’s just say I’m feeling generous for once and leave that thought floating in the air for a few weeks, shall we?” beamed Mr Cameron as he aired his thoughts.

FairFuel UK campaign leader and former Clarkson straight-man Quentin Wilson - who was not allowed a calculator at school and therefore holds no truck with the confounded things - instantly pronounced himself delighted with the prime minister’s potential largesse.

“According to my trusty slide rule, this huge saving means that every single household in the UK will be £19,500 a year better off,” he explained breathlessly. “Well, give or take a bob either way. In everyday language, that means the difference between a barrel-scraping BMW 318i ES and an altogether more satisfactory 535i M-Sport.”

Meanwhile, proud oil industry executives have almost finished recruiting two complete armies of battle-hardened mercenaries, and will soon be ready to parachute them into Libya to assist both sides in the looming civil war that threatens to send global oil prices skyrocketing.

Rail Fares Now More Expensive Than Chartering Your Own Private 747, Probably, Warns Watchdog

Millions of Britons fell off their chairs in surprise today, on hearing the astounding news that UK train fares were a bit pricey.

The national rail-users' group Passenger Focus announced their astonishing discovery this morning, saying that annual season tickets for short journeys were up to 88% more expensive than in France - the second most expensive country in Europe. Some long-distance journeys were theoretically cheaper, admitted the watchdog - but only for one lucky passenger who happened to book at the exact moment when the affordable seat on the entire journey appeared unexpectedly in the booking system.

A three-ton ginger spokestom for the Association of Train Operating Companies explained the fares structure in unusually succinct terms, telling reporters to "Piss off." The same sentiment was also expressed by the Transport Secretary and stripper, Lord Adonis - although, when threatened with a wet towel, he pointed out that rail fares had actually gone down in relation to the cost of a loaf of bread.