Other Energy Suppliers Call For EDF To Be Sectioned

The five other major energy suppliers are desperately ringing doctors today, trying to get rival EDF carted off under Section 2 of the Mental Health Act after it announced a crazy plan to cut consumers’ gas bills by 5%.

British Gas responds to the EDF challenge

“What customers want more than anything else is fair, clear and transparent prices. We know they want action rather than words. That is why we are the first major supplier in history to announce a cut, my avian masters!” EDF Energy’s chief executive Vincent de Rivaz told the pelicans in St James’ Park, naked as the day he was born.

As white-coated British Gas psychiatrists chased him around the park with nets, the fleeing lunatic screamed: “I’m not mad! Thanks to November’s 15% price hike, we’re still 9.6% up on the deal!”

nPower Customers Celebrate £2m Ofgem Fine They’ll End Up Paying

Long-suffering customers of nPower say they are delighted with the £2m fine which will be added to their eye-watering bills, after industry regulator Ofgem fined the energy supplier for its blatant mistreatment of complaints.

These things don't fall out of cornflakes packets, you know

“Last year we only made a token £245m,” sobbed nPower’s chief commercial officer, Kevin Piles. “As a result, we were sadly forced to increase our profit margins from paltry £1.50 per customer to a very reasonable £9. This swingeing £2m fine completely wipes out that modest gain, probably, so I’m afraid we’ll just have to pass it straight on to our customers.”

“If anyone’s got a problem with that,” he added, “Please feel free to write to us and we’ll bung your complaints straight into a furnace at one of our coal-fired power stations. That’ll keep our costs down a bit.”

Cameron Vows To Work Harder At Doing Nothing About Soaring Energy Bills

Ahead of a meeting with the six main energy suppliers, prime minister David Cameron promised that the government would work harder and faster to do absolutely nothing at all about the extravagant profiteering which is crippling UK households.

In a folded joint statement in which every third word was written by LibDem energy secretary Chris Huhne without knowing what Mr Cameron had just written, he assured the hard-hit public: "These price /Jesus /rises couldn't /Christ /come at /what /a worse /are /time for /we /consumers who /going /are already /to /feeling the /do /pinch from /about /rising petrol /these /prices and /thieving /the cost /corporate /of the /bastards? /weekly shop."

Thanks, Mr Huhne - we'd never have spotted the difference

As the meeting progressed, the energy companies were pleasantly surprised to find that Mr Huhne’s mouth had been superglued shut by the prime minister, sparing them from having to invent spurious justifications for vast price hikes which have seen their profits rocketing from £15 per victim to an eye-watering £125 in just three months.

As the prime minister examined his fingernails and admired his own reflection in the immaculately-polished table, ecstatic bosses from the ‘big six’ passed a pleasant half hour helping themselves to the drinks cabinet and comparing photographs of their luxury cabin cruisers and corporate hospitality suites before telling their groaning customers the usual twaddle about switching from one greedy, overcharging supplier to another and insulating their already-insulated homes.

"The companies are not the Salvation Army,” explained Mr Huhne helpfully, once he had managed to prise his burning lips apart.

Huhne’s Advice To Hard-Pressed Energy Customers: ‘Let Them Switch Cakes’

This is what you can look forward to this winter

As energy ransomer Scottish Power launched another shareholders’ jamboree in the energy sector, cynically hiking its eye-watering prices by up to 20%, energy secretary Chris Huhne took time out from helping the police with their enquiries to remind impoverished customers faced with unaffordable fuel costs that cakes are a cheap and plentiful source of energy.

“One Tesco Value sponge cake will keep a pensioner going for up to an hour a day,” gushed Mr Huhne. “What’s more, we tend to overlook the importance of ‘consumer power’. That’s completely free, you know, and you get it from walking to all the supermarkets for miles around in the middle of January, looking for the best cake deals. All that to-ing and fro-ing will warm you up a treat.”

“”And you get an energy bonus too,” he added brightly, “Because all that time you’re out and about hunting for cheap cakes, it doesn’t matter how cold your house is.”

Ofgem Wonders If Squeezing Monthly £65 Profit Out Of Customers, Then Raising Prices Might Be Something To Look Into

Those giraffes don't feed themselves, point out energy suppliers

Energy regulator Ofgem today announced that there might possibly be something not entirely scrupulous about the way in which, in the middle of a recession, energy companies have succeeded in yanking an average £90 net monthly profit out of each and every hard-pressed customer’s threadbare wallet in October, a 38% rise compared to the previous month’s modest mark-up of £65.

“By March 2011, by which time everyone will be either flat broke or frozen into an icicle, with a bit of luck we might be in a position to say whether companies are playing it straight with consumers,” yawned Ofgem chief executive Alistair Buchpasser sleepily, as he prepared for the regulator’s annual hibernation. "Greater transparency in the market is good for consumers, investors and for the energy industry as a whole. Right, time for bed. Wake us up in spring."

“We have nothing to hide,” commented Energy UK, the industry’s representative body, in a press release dropped in a Fabergé egg from its fabulously expensive flying island headquarters. “The gas our members supply is 100% transparent, just like the gas that Ofgem occasionally spouts – and, like Ofgem, electricity is a completely invisible force.”

“If there are any further questions,” they added, “We shall be dangling an unimaginably expensive length of rope, luxuriously woven from strands of the purest gold and platinum, for you to piss up as we float serenely by.”

Regulator’s Startling Claim: Two Out Of Six Energy Suppliers Might Be Telling The Truth

Energy salesmen are working on new, improved lies

Consumers have reacted with shock and amazement to the disturbing claim by energy regulator Ofgem that two out of the six leading domestic suppliers of gas and electricity may not be lying through their teeth when their aggressively fast-talking wide boys doorstep you.

“We investigated a complaint made to Consumer Direct helpline by one elderly householder in the South West,” said a spokesman for the regulatory body, “And, to our great surprise, we found that the people who lived round the corner really had just switched suppliers to the one that was being rammed down the complainant’s throat by the thug in an ill-fitting suit who wouldn’t shut up and go away.”

Intrigued Ofgem investigators sifted through the files and discovered that a similar case existed, but had not been drawn to anybody’s attention at the time because the investigator didn’t think anybody would believe it.

“We apologise to our customers for this uncharacteristic lapse,” said a spokesman for British Gas, one of the firms caught telling the truth. “We realise that we have fallen far short of the standards of behaviour people expect from a large corporate giant. We take lying about our services very seriously, and the miscreant has been identified and dismissed for gross misconduct.”

“We are, of course, aware that customers who change suppliers do so, not in any realistic hope that the service will be any better or cheaper, but simply because they’ve fed up to the back teeth with the gang of thieves they’re currently saddled with,” he continued. “We fully appreciate that they would gladly sign a 12-month contract with Hitler, fondly imagining that the withdrawal of their custom will send shockwaves of imminent financial collapse to the directors of their existing supplier.”

“We would therefore like to take this opportunity to assure the public that, in future, all of our door-to-door and telesales associates will only feed them the usual crock of horseshit they have come to expect,” he added.