Nagging Golf Enthusiasts To Strike For God-Given Right To World’s Best Pensions

The contemptuous prick who lounges behind a desk for an hour or two every morning, ordering you to stop doing everything that gives you pleasure before roaring off for an agreeable afternoon out on the links, will be enjoying an extra round on June 21st because somebody, somewhere, is due for an even bigger pension than him, according to an open letter written by his gang.

St Mellion's fees are a tad dearer than your Age UK day centre, remember

“Listen, scum,” the BMA explained in every newspaper, “The founding principle of the National Health Service, according to no less an authority than that ghastly little Bevan twerp, is that our mouths should be stuffed with gold. The thought that anybody else might get more cash bunged their way, when they retire to Cornwall, than we will fills Britain’s hardworking doctors – and all the rest of us, too - with a deep-rooted moral sense of injustice, indignation and envy. Now for god’s sake stop smoking, you fat bastard. Get out, you disgust me.”

In a heartwarming gesture of goodwill towards the ignorant proles whose taxes rightly line their pockets, GPs promised that the humble lackeys who do all the tedious parts of the job - which would otherwise involve getting up from their expensive swivel chairs and actually touching poor people and their odious bodily fluids – will, naturally, not be permitted to take a day off.

“And if your stupid, ugly head falls off or whatever, don’t shit yourself,” added a BMA spokesman with a yawn, as he practiced his swing. “We’ve hired the usual foreign johnny to prod your flabby guts and scribble you a chit for two weeks’ worth of Prozac.”

Doctors Speculate On Possible Link Between Depression And Seeing All Your Hopes And Ambitions Flushed Down The Toilet

Doctors are increasingly prescribing Prozac for recession

GPs have tentatively suggested that there might be some sort of causal relationship between having all your hopes and dreams for your future and your children cruelly dashed to pieces by an uncaring government and greedy corporations as you contemplate a joyless lifetime of unremitting struggle just to keep a roof over your head, and feeling more than a little glum.

“All day I face a steady stream of hollow-eyed human wreckage telling me, ‘Doctor, I can’t make ends meet any more. My pitiful wages are frozen, my bosses are talking about redundancies, the cost of everything is going through the roof and there’s just no end to it in sight. I feel a bit peaky.' Being a medical man, I can’t help wondering what might be causing this growing epidemic of depression as I bang out another prescription for Prozac, 20mg per diem,” said Dr Graham Foster, a Gloucester-based GP who is rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of getting his hands on a sizeable chunk of the NHS budget.

“When I was on holiday in Thailand last month I got chatting to another GP at the beach bar and, do you know, he’s finding exactly the same thing,” he added. “It’s beginning to look like an awful lot of people are under the illusion that they’re feeling some kind of severe pain in the wallet area. We laughed and decided it must be psychosomatic, but when I got back I noticed a few of my non-medical friends seemed to be experiencing similar symptoms, albeit to a lesser degree.”

“I decided to conduct a little experiment of my own,” he continued, “So I told my reception team that I was looking at the staffing budget and I might have to forego their pay rise this year and let one of them go, then kept them under clinical observation for a week. Sure enough, one of them went off sick and all the rest seem to be showing the classic symptoms of agitation and stress.”

“You know, we’re starting to think there may be something in this,” said a spokesman for the Royal College of GPs. “Give us a nice little research grant and we’ll be able to tell you more. I reckon about £10m might set the ball rolling.”

Facebook Cures Breast Cancer

The little-known medical condition known to specialists as breast cancer was today eradicated forever, after millions of breast owners united on social networking site Facebook to find a cure for the disease by telling everyone what colour their bra was.

Millions of stupid men logging on today were greeted by an apparently-inexplicable welter of one-word status updates, mainly 'black' or 'white'. Stupid, selfish men attempting to seek clarification were met with a hail of disapproval from irate breast owners, and castigated for their emotionally-stunted callousness.

Meanwhile, thousands of middle-aged housewives desperately tried to convince their friends that they were insatiable sexual athletes, by claiming that they were wearing a red bra.

The campaign - the inspired product of a brain-storming, nostril-destroying all-nighter at award-winning marketing solutions agency PoLLy WhaLLey DudaLL - has single-handedly succeeded in destroying the deadly cancer where decades of medical research and screening failed.

"The key conceptualising element was - if you'll deign to forgive the inescapable deploymentation of arcane marketing jargon here - 'Awareness'," said head sniffer Crispin WhaLLey, resplendent in the red tie and glasses of his profession. "Millions of innocent breast owners have been quite literally dying of tit rot every day, simply because they failed to prioritise the roll-out of a quasi-psychological bra strategy which identified recognition of fabric colour optimisation techniques as the essential driving force behind their perceptions of their physical selves as quintessentially sexual entities."

"By empowering them to confront the appropriacy of their scaffolding choices, through the viral co-optionment of Facebook as a meme-distribution analogue," he continued, "Our guerrilla campaign has ensured that no woman will ever again experience troubling concerns about the latent capacity of her funbags to send her to an early grave."

Linguistic experts say that Mr WhaLLey's statement may take years to decipher. However, the medical establishment agreed that the miracle of Facebook had indeed cured breast cancer forever - just as it has brought about an end to wars, racism, natural disasters and all the other horrid things in the world.

"My bra is blue," posted a confused woman, via mobile. "Are my tits going to drop off? God in heaven help me."

Millions of stupid, insensitive men have also been posting that last sentence to their Facebook profiles, or selfishly demanding that women meekly surrender their now-redundant mobile mammography trailers for conversion, to save their useless, ugly gonads.

Keep Taking The Stone Tablets

God-bothering doctors are demanding the right to seize their patients by the head during consultations, force them to their knees and tell them that their health is dependent on sorting out their relationship with their personal saviour Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever hallelujah.

Members of the Medical Fellowship of Jesus Freaks are to raise the issue at the British Medical Association's conference in Liverpool on Monday.

"Sadly, as a cancer specialist, I am used to seeing the anguish on the faces of the unsaved when I break the news to them that they have a malignant, inoperable tumour which is going to kill them," witnessed Dr Bernadette Bullwinkle. "I would feel so much better if I could point out that, in the light of their imminent departure from this world of sin and sorrow, now might be a very good time for them to accept God into their hearts and acknowledge Christ as their only hope of life everlasting."

"Yet, thanks to the influence of the Father of Lies, the government still sees fit to prevent me from offering them the very real hope that, if they only acknowledge Christ's victory over death and dedicate their lives to prayer, it may well be His will to take away the cancer," she added. "Amen. Thank you, Lord. Amen."

Some patients, however, have expressed reservations about doctors interfering in their spiritual lives.

"I think I'd be a little worried if I was referred to a specialist who, in all seriousness, believes implicitly that the human body is a lump of clay given life by the breath of some nebulous deity," said a man we interviewed in a hospital waiting room. "And my wife, who is in labour, hasn't stopped screaming since discovering that her obstetrician insists that the agony of childbirth is merely God's just punishment of womankind for Eve's apple-related transgression in the Garden of Eden."

Not all doctors share the views of their happy-clappy colleagues, either.

"My objections to the introduction of a spiritual element into the field of medicine are twofold," explained a research consultant specialising in DNA analysis. "Firstly, I would question the scientific principles of any doctor who fails to acknowledge the inherent conflict between the biblical account of creation and the ever-growing body of evidence supporting evolution."

"And secondly, of course, as a senior medical practitioner I am God," he added.

Religious Believers Strangely Reluctant To Meet Their Maker

People with strong religious beliefs appear to be in no great hurry to meet their Lord and Saviour, according to research published in the Journal of the American Medical Association which shows that terminal cancer patients who pray frequently are three times more likely than atheists to beg their doctors to drag out their doomed lives for as long as is medically possible.

Despite the intense physical and psychological stress caused to the dying by aggressive interventions like ventilators, feeding tubes and non-palliative chemotherapy - not to mention the emotional trauma that such long-drawn-out deaths inevitably inflict upon relatives - doctors found that those cancer victims who believed firmly in life after death were by far the most reluctant to embark on the journey into the Beyond.

"It could be that the faithful feel that, by putting themselves through this needless, agonising torture, they are in some way sharing in the sufferings that Christ endured for our sins on the cross," said one baffled medic. "On the other hand, it could just be that they only believe in God at all because they just can't bear the thought of their own mortality. Go figure."

The noted atheistic tub-thumper, Professor Richard Dawkins, shouted angrily that the research conclusively proved, beyond a shadow of doubt, that - unlike the terrified, cowering, cannibalistic totem-fetishists infected with the Christianity disease - rational and reasonable unbelievers like himself were quite comfortable with the notion that the world would somehow carry on just fine without them, and snarled a message of non-religious hope to the world: "You are all going to die."

Childhood Colds Not Actually Curable By Colourful Sugary Goo, Warn Experts

Patent children's medicines bought over the counter are of absolutely no use whatsoever in the treatment of coughs and colds, according to the Medicines and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency.

"Tell us something we don't know," replied children.

Experts Downgrade Your Life Expectancy To Yesterday

Not only are you going to die, warned experts today, but you are in fact almost certainly dead already, thanks to your morbidly suicidal lifestyle.

"Being overweight - by which we mean that your weight divided by the square of your height is greater than 1 if you are male, or 0.8 if you are female, unless there's an R in the month, as calculated by those infallible medical geniuses, the Victorians - is as bad for you as smoking up to ten fags a day," warned the British Medical Journal. "And any idiot who puffs away at that sort of deathwish speed will have no lungs left by the age of 23. Fact."

Smug lettuce-munching beanpoles who think they are safe may have to think again, however, as Cancer Research UK warns that a single glass of wine, half-pint of home-brew or sip of Night Nurse will definitely reduce you to a hideous malignant tumour on legs by Christmas.

The latest health advice follows other dire pronouncements on your failing health. The American Journal of Epidemiology, for example, recently confirmed that working just one hour's overtime will send you senile or just downright mad as a box of frogs before you get home tonight, while researchers from Pittsburgh University found that listening to explicit song lyrics is a leading cause of fatal cock rot in the under-12s.

"Basically, you're all dead," confirmed a typically sanctimonious doctor on £135,000 a year. "And it serves you right, you disgusting prole. Now get the fuck out of my surgery, I've got an urgent appointment at the golf course."

Peer Admits Scrote Hoax

Baroness Murphy has admitted that she and her husband were responsible for inventing a fictitious medical condition in the 1970s known as “political scrotum”.

The husband-and-wife doctors submitted a hoax report to the British Medical Journal, in which they described the moving plight of a young politician called Gordon Brown, whom they claimed was already beginning to turn into a scrotum.

“Politicians are widely believed to be a load of old scrotes,” they wrote at the time, “But poor Gordon seems to be breaking all records. He shows all the symptoms of turning, quite literally, into a scrotum of terrifying proportions.”

However, after the BMJ repeated the claim in its Christmas edition, Baroness Murphy decided it was finally time to come clean about the story.

“There’s isn’t a jot of truth in this, and I’m sorry if any gullible members of the Labour Party ever fell for it,” she admitted. “But surely anyone can see that, despite a strong resemblance to a wrinkly old bag of skin, Gordon has absolutely no balls in him whatsoever.”

It is thought that the pair were originally inspired by a BMJ report describing “guitarist’s nipple” – thought to be a description of that well-known tit with a guitar, Tony Blair.

Leading Medical Researchers Hail Discovery of Plain Nose on Face

Cutting-edge medical research by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine has proved, shockingly, that cancer survival rates are better in rich countries with plenty of hospitals.

The study, carried out by 100 scientists around the world, discovered to their utter amazement that the well-off inhabitants of the USA, Australia, Canada, France and Japan were far more likely to overcome cancer than the struggling paupers of Algeria.

Their jaws dropped even further when they discovered that survival rates varied within the wealthier nations, with white Americans with private health insurance 14% more likely to survive than the impoverished racial minorities.

“It’s too early to draw any concrete conclusions, of course,” said the baffled project leader, Michel Coleman. “But having a wallet bulging with credit cards definitely seems to be a factor. Perhaps there are life-enhancing qualities in the plastic, or the chip or something. Can we have another research grant, please?”

One cancerous Algerian goat-herder we spoke to, however, said that he was less concerned about the lack of treatment for his tumour than about disappearing after being arrested for talking to the foreign media.

“Even if I get away with that,” he said philosophically, “I’ll probably die at the hands of rebel insurgents or government forces in this ongoing civil war that you don’t seem very interested in.”

Meanwhile, other leading researchers at the cutting edge of the life sciences are clamouring for grants to discover the answers to other medical mysteries that have baffled the human race for centuries - such as what makes old people more likely to have grey hair than children, why testicular cancer is almost exclusively confined to men, and how birds manage to fly better than crabs.

TV's Dr Raj Persaud: Why Psychiatrists Cheat

After the General Medical Council rejected his claim that passing off whole chunks of other people’s work in his books and articles as his own was not dishonest or likely to bring his profession into disrepute, we asked famous TV chat-show psychiatrist Dr Raj Persaud what drives people into denial.

“Many of these people have an underlying personality problem, in that they are a TV personality and think they can get away with anything,” said Dr Persaud. “The first sign is an unusually prolific output for somebody who is supposed to already have a demanding, full-time job. The second is that people find themselves wondering, ‘Where have I heard that before?’ I’m a doctor, Jim, not a bricklayer. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise. Will this do?”

“Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist,” he added, “Ought to have his head examined.”

For medical reasons, Nev would like to acknowledge contributions from Samuel Goldwyn, Benjamin Franklin and ‘Bones’ McCoy in this item.

It's Good To Shut The Fuck Up

Researchers at the University of Buffalo have claimed that trauma sufferers who bottle up their feelings fare better than those who are encouraged to talk about their experiences.

The research - based on a two-year survey of 3000 people who were involved in the 9/11 attacks - may lead to the replacement of ‘talking therapies’ with revolutionary new ‘shutting up’ treatments.

However, the British Army said the technique was nothing new.

“After World War One, we sent millions home from the trenches and told them their loved ones would not comprehend the horrors they had witnessed,” said an RAMC spokesman. “In most cases this led to complete recovery, with perfectly normal behaviour like waking up screaming in the night and a healthy tendency to stop whatever they were doing and shake uncontrollably in a blue funk.”

“Of course, we also had another revolutionary technique for treating trauma victims,” added the army doctor. “We shot them.”

My Mind Is Going, I Can Feel It

Researchers at the Boston University School of Medicine say that taking regular doses of the painkiller Ibuprofen can reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer’s Disease - although it appears they forgot that the University of California in San Diego made the discovery nearly seven years ago.

The rediscovery comes on the same day as an announcement by researchers in Maryland that women with long legs are less likely to develop the illness. Previously-published research has indicated that old people who exercise regularly are less prone to Alzheimer’s, while those with high IQs or large waists increase their risk.

All in all, it seems that the best way to avoid the curse of Alzheimer’s Disease is to be a stupid skinny woman who jogs every day on her stalky legs until she gives herself a headache.

Meanwhile, researchers in Britain are said to have found that Alzheimer’s is extremely rare in emos, Scientologists, people born on a Tuesday, anyone whose name begins with a vowel (with the exception of the letter U) and babies.

The Postmodern Prometheus

A team of Newcastle University researchers have created the UK’s first human-animal hybrids, by implanting DNA from human skin cells into genetically-stripped cow eggs.

Just as the evil scientists were celebrating their unholy triumph by drinking a toast in blood, however, the mutant abominations crashed out of the laboratory, rending their presumptuous creators limb from limb. They then lurched through the streets of Newcastle, creating mayhem among the terrified peasantry. One of the hideous cells paused to play with an innocent child, but was driven off by a hail of stones hurled by plucky Catholic priests.

At bay, the ungodly egg monstrosities screamed defiance, claiming that they had not asked to be made, and only sought to live out their wretched lives in some remote fastness, well away from mankind. Their pleas fell on deaf ears, however, and they were last seen climbing aboard a northbound inter-city train in search of Scotland’s Cardinal O’Brien, seeking sanctuary.

Ten Years' Hard Labour

Viagra, the impotence drug, is celebrating its tenth birthday this month, makers Pfizer Laboratories announced.

The blue pill was originally developed for cardiovascular treatment. Once the media got hold of stories about its main side-effect, though, it became an answer to the prayers of randy old goats all over the world - and the bane of their partners’ lives, as they had been hoping for an end to all that mucking about in bed, and looking forward to reading a few decent books at long last.

Viagra also holds the title of World’s Most Irritating Medical Advance, as it is estimated that 99.9999% of all spam relates to either dodgy supplies, fake copies or bizarre homeopathic alternatives. It is estimated that every man and woman on the planet has now received over a million offers from improbably-named senders offering them help with their John Thomas, whether they have one or not.

One overworked Internet Service Provider helpdesk worker said, “Next time Pfizer accidentally come up with a sex aid, do the world a favour and shut up about it, will you?”

Obriena Calls For Catholic Jihad

Audio experts in the UK are still studying a recording, said to contain the voice of Cardinal Obriena bin-Ranten, in which the fugitive Scottish Catholic leader apparently called on the faithful to engage in a holy jihad against stem-cell research.

The Cardinal, who continues to evade capture by hiding out in the remote, lawless mountains of the Scottish Highlands, said that “the forces of Satan and all his little wizards” were attempting nothing less than the blasphemous creation of a two-headed mockery of Christ, with fins, and that it was the duty of every godfearing Catholic to walk into their local doctor’s surgery and kill the evil Frankenstein within by exploding in a ill-informed outburst of scientific ignorance.

“Twisted Nazi paedophile scientists want to take unfertilised, good Catholic DNA and inject it into eggs from the crawling serpent that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden,” says the Cardinal’s message. “Do you want to give birth to an abomination with compound eyes, which feeds by injecting venom into its mother, turning her insides into organic soup, and deposits its hungry, hellish spawn in her paralysed body? I urge all true Catholic believers to switch off their brains, and put and end to the evil heresy of medicine once and for all. Particularly Catholic MPs, who should have the moral courage to disobey the undemocratic dictates of their party whip, and obey me instead. In nomine patri, filii et spiritus sanctus, amen.”

However, in an Easter sermon to the Daily Telegraph, TV’s Lord ‘Dubya’ Winston poured scorn on the fugitive Cardinal’s latest message, saying: "His lies are hilarious. They are quite funny, but just a tad misleading - and I'm afraid that when the Church, for good motives, talks out of its arse, it brings discredit upon itself. I have huge respect for the Catholic Church, which does great good somewhere, probably - but it will be destroying its probity with overblown statements of this kind. Even now our coalition of freakish genetic mutants is making a final surge to corner the discredited terrorist leader Obriena in his squalid grotto and bring him to justice."

Atheist commander Richard Dawkins was not available for comment, and was said to be heading north on the Euston train with a bazooka, looking rather angry.