Children born out of wedlock can now be dunked in a font as their sinful parents belatedly tie the knot, thanks to a new 'buy-one-get-one-free' service launched today by the Church of England.
Sexually-repressed frumps whose idea of orgasmic ecstasy is a vase of nicely-arranged flowers and happy-clappy Jesus freaks who know the Bible is literally true because it says so in the Bible have, however, spoken out against the combined service.
"With this twisted travesty of a holy ritual, the bishops are giving a big thumbs-up for wicked fornicators to live in sin and beget one abominable bastard after another from their unclean, Satan-fuelled loins as they abandon themselves wholly to their perverse lusts," said a sniffy old maid who has devoted her life to writing letters of complaint to the BBC.
"Instead of making up a wicked lie that Jesus in some way approves of their unnatural passions and loves their tainted spawn, the church authorities would do well to revive the wiser traditions of our Godfearing elders," insisted a man with tiny eyes half an inch apart and no discernible forehead. "They would not have hesitated for a second before stripping these fornicators and whores naked and parading their vile shame through the streets for all to see, before flogging them unconscious and dumping their bloody carcasses on the dungheap outside the town gates, with the rest of the stinking ordure."
"And their horrid devil-brood should be exposed at birth and left on a hillside to die, before they grow horns and cloven hooves," he added. "Hallelujah!"
A spokesman for the Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"
Showing posts with label fundamentalism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fundamentalism. Show all posts
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Prayers Are Missing God By Several Inches, Claim Angry Meccans
Mecca - the destination of all Islamic pilgrims - is in spiritual turmoil today, as it emerged that many of the Saudi city's older mosques do not point precisely to the Kaaba shrine.
The black-draped cubic building is the most sacred sanctuary in Islam, and many Moslems who believe that it acts as a focus for their prayers are now concerned that, owing to the misalignment of the mosques, their heartfelt supplications have completely missed God and flown off uselessly into space where sinister thought-reading alien infidels may use them for their own unspeakable purposes.
"I can't think of any other reason for the continued existence of America, the Great Satan," angry pilgrim Sayid Jarrah told reporters.
Tawfik al-Sudairi, the deputy secretary at the Islamic Affairs Ministry, tried to reassure worshippers, saying: "There are no major errors but corrections have been made for some old mosques, thanks to modern techniques. In any case, it does not affect the prayers."
"Anyone who thinks otherwise is welcome to debate the issue at their leisure with the Mutaween, our much-loved religious police," he added.
Some Saudi citizens who are tired of living have criticised the mutaween for filling their ranks with criminals, whose only qualification is to have memorised the Koran to get their sentences reduced. They also hold them responsible for cruelly enforcing Sharia law, such as the incident in 2002 in which fifty schoolgirls died in their burning school after the mutaween refused to let them out because their heads were uncovered and they were not accompanied by a male guardian.
"It is an affront to civilised values that a police force tolerates the presence of so many convicted criminals in its ranks," said Britain's justice secretary Jack Straw, although he retracted his statement after a red-faced Home Secretary Jacqui Smith kicked his shins under the table.
"Ignorant people who make fetishes of inanimate objects are, I'm sad to say, missing the entire point of religious belief," said the newly-appointed leader of Britain's Catholics, the Most Reverend Vincent Price, just after he had fed his cannibal flock with wafers and wine which somehow turned into the physical remains of Jesus himself in their mouths.
The leader of Britain's damned heretics - Richard Dawkins, the Archatheist of Oxford - made no comment on the matter except to say that, as he only had the one life to live, he was rather keen to hang on to it.
The black-draped cubic building is the most sacred sanctuary in Islam, and many Moslems who believe that it acts as a focus for their prayers are now concerned that, owing to the misalignment of the mosques, their heartfelt supplications have completely missed God and flown off uselessly into space where sinister thought-reading alien infidels may use them for their own unspeakable purposes.
"I can't think of any other reason for the continued existence of America, the Great Satan," angry pilgrim Sayid Jarrah told reporters.
Tawfik al-Sudairi, the deputy secretary at the Islamic Affairs Ministry, tried to reassure worshippers, saying: "There are no major errors but corrections have been made for some old mosques, thanks to modern techniques. In any case, it does not affect the prayers."
"Anyone who thinks otherwise is welcome to debate the issue at their leisure with the Mutaween, our much-loved religious police," he added.
Some Saudi citizens who are tired of living have criticised the mutaween for filling their ranks with criminals, whose only qualification is to have memorised the Koran to get their sentences reduced. They also hold them responsible for cruelly enforcing Sharia law, such as the incident in 2002 in which fifty schoolgirls died in their burning school after the mutaween refused to let them out because their heads were uncovered and they were not accompanied by a male guardian.
"It is an affront to civilised values that a police force tolerates the presence of so many convicted criminals in its ranks," said Britain's justice secretary Jack Straw, although he retracted his statement after a red-faced Home Secretary Jacqui Smith kicked his shins under the table.
"Ignorant people who make fetishes of inanimate objects are, I'm sad to say, missing the entire point of religious belief," said the newly-appointed leader of Britain's Catholics, the Most Reverend Vincent Price, just after he had fed his cannibal flock with wafers and wine which somehow turned into the physical remains of Jesus himself in their mouths.
The leader of Britain's damned heretics - Richard Dawkins, the Archatheist of Oxford - made no comment on the matter except to say that, as he only had the one life to live, he was rather keen to hang on to it.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
I Think, Therefore I Am Gay
Religious fundamentalists around the world gnashed their teeth and rent their garments, following the announcement that gayness develops in the womb.
Sweden’s Karolinska Institute published a comparison of the brains of 90 adults, in which they discovered that gay men and straight women had equally-sized hemispheres, while straight men and lesbians had larger right lobes. Differences were also found in the nerve connections of the amygdala, the most primitive part of the brain. The clinching argument was the discovery that brains were lettered like a stick of rock, with the tiny words ‘Male’ or ‘Female’ running through them, followed by ‘May be used in body types M and F’.
“As far as I’m concerned, there is no argument any more – if you are gay, you are born gay,” said Dr Qazi Rahman, a lecturer in cognitive biology from Queen Mary College, London.
However, fundamentalists were horrified at the implication that homosexuality is determined by God, rather than simply a perverted desire to commit wicked, sinful acts for the glory of Satan.
“Why, this makes me question everything I believe in,” said one God-fearing bigot. “If God Almighty is infallible, how could He make these loathsome abominations? Perhaps it’s like those fossil-stones He put into the good earth to test our faith in the Book of Genesis. That must be it. Thank you, Lord, for putting me to the test! Hallelujah!”
Some leading fundamental theologians have suggested that the solution would be to simply put gay brains into bodies of the opposite sex.
Bisexuals, however, complained of feeling more confused than ever, as the new evidence clearly implies that they are the unnatural ones. Unfortunately the Christians overheard them, and immediately set about building a large bonfire.
Sweden’s Karolinska Institute published a comparison of the brains of 90 adults, in which they discovered that gay men and straight women had equally-sized hemispheres, while straight men and lesbians had larger right lobes. Differences were also found in the nerve connections of the amygdala, the most primitive part of the brain. The clinching argument was the discovery that brains were lettered like a stick of rock, with the tiny words ‘Male’ or ‘Female’ running through them, followed by ‘May be used in body types M and F’.
“As far as I’m concerned, there is no argument any more – if you are gay, you are born gay,” said Dr Qazi Rahman, a lecturer in cognitive biology from Queen Mary College, London.
However, fundamentalists were horrified at the implication that homosexuality is determined by God, rather than simply a perverted desire to commit wicked, sinful acts for the glory of Satan.
“Why, this makes me question everything I believe in,” said one God-fearing bigot. “If God Almighty is infallible, how could He make these loathsome abominations? Perhaps it’s like those fossil-stones He put into the good earth to test our faith in the Book of Genesis. That must be it. Thank you, Lord, for putting me to the test! Hallelujah!”
Some leading fundamental theologians have suggested that the solution would be to simply put gay brains into bodies of the opposite sex.
Bisexuals, however, complained of feeling more confused than ever, as the new evidence clearly implies that they are the unnatural ones. Unfortunately the Christians overheard them, and immediately set about building a large bonfire.
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