Fat people who are fed up with being told to lose some fucking weight were told today to shut the fuck up and lose some fucking weight.
In a special 'Inside Out' documentary entitled 'Christ, Look At The Size of That', several whining gut-buckets with no self-respect or willpower will be seen waddling up to a camera and bleating about decent, caring folk who express their concerns for the health of the lard-arsed by leaning out of their car windows and shouting "You fat cunt" at them in a well-intentioned effort to convince them to lose some fucking weight.
Ordinary thin people who are absolutely free from all flaws and vices will be horrified into nervous guffawing laughter at the sight of a wobbling minger who was beaten up on a train on account of her hideous rolls of fat. They will then make various witty comments about how lucky the attackers were not to disappear into the quivering mound of flab when they punched her, suggest that assaulting people is wrong whatever the circumstances but conclude that the victim was responsible for her ordeal for letting herself go out in public looking like that in the first place. They will then feel smugly superior and switch over to watch thin people being unpleasant to each other in EastEnders.
"Perhaps now she'll lose some fucking weight," said a BBC spokesman.
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Monday, 19 October 2009
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
You Fatuous Bastard
People should not be given excuses for being fatuous, says shadow health minister, Andrew Lansley.
According to the Tory spokesman, saying that being fatuous is an inevitable product of biology and the environment gives people “the one thing we have to avoid: an excuse.”
Instead, he said, we should all take more responsibility for our lifestyles and exercise our brains more.
“Although we live in an environment where politicians and the media regularly heap ridicule and abuse on the overweight, people like me have a duty to be responsible and stop picking on easy targets whose imperfections are just more visible than our own,” said Mr Lansley. “Similarly, it’s not enough to blame my fatuousness on the fact that my parents - and generations before them – were sneering, condescending snobs. I really ought to take a close look at my own failings before making sweeping statements about other people.”
According to the Tory spokesman, saying that being fatuous is an inevitable product of biology and the environment gives people “the one thing we have to avoid: an excuse.”
Instead, he said, we should all take more responsibility for our lifestyles and exercise our brains more.
“Although we live in an environment where politicians and the media regularly heap ridicule and abuse on the overweight, people like me have a duty to be responsible and stop picking on easy targets whose imperfections are just more visible than our own,” said Mr Lansley. “Similarly, it’s not enough to blame my fatuousness on the fact that my parents - and generations before them – were sneering, condescending snobs. I really ought to take a close look at my own failings before making sweeping statements about other people.”
Monday, 28 July 2008
Who's Your Fat Friend?
Having fat friends makes you fat, according to an international research team of health Nazis who argue that having fat people in your social circle can fool you into thinking that it is permissible to be fat yourself.
The strutting, jackbooted researchers presented their findings at a huge, stage-managed rally in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Striding to the podium, leading researcher Professor Andrew Hitler screamed: “For too long we have tolerated the insidious spread of fat in society! Fuel poverty - the credit crunch - global warming - Islamic fundamentalism - superhero movies - all of these crises have been deliberately engineered by a secret worldwide conspiracy of porkers. You may think your fat mate Dave from IT is a good laugh on a Friday night – but, in reality, his sole aim in life is to make you have that kebab before you pile into the taxi home.”
Thumping the rostrum, the ranting scientist continued: “Now is the time to round up these evil lard-arses, before society collapses under their weight! I envisage some kind of camp, where they can be shovelled into big ovens to burn off all that unsightly fat. Meanwhile, I urge you all to cut yourselves off completely from the wicked fatties. Refuse to buy goods in shops run by fat people! Keep your children home from school until the teachers agree to remove fat kids from the classrooms! Spray ‘Gutbucket’ on their doors and windows! Beat them up in the street! That should be easy - they’re too fat to run away.”
However, some people are beginning to question the claims of the food-ban fuhrers.
“My mate Trace ‘ere is like a size ten, right?” said one young stick insect we spoke to in a downtown bar. “But if I din’ ‘ave ‘er wiv me when I goes art on the pull, blokes might cast a more critical eye over me, yeah? And then they might twig that I’m just a gobby little bag of bones wiv ‘air art of a bottle and skin like I’ve been tangoed. So good on yer, Trace love - you jus’ keep eatin’ them crisps, girl.”
The strutting, jackbooted researchers presented their findings at a huge, stage-managed rally in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Striding to the podium, leading researcher Professor Andrew Hitler screamed: “For too long we have tolerated the insidious spread of fat in society! Fuel poverty - the credit crunch - global warming - Islamic fundamentalism - superhero movies - all of these crises have been deliberately engineered by a secret worldwide conspiracy of porkers. You may think your fat mate Dave from IT is a good laugh on a Friday night – but, in reality, his sole aim in life is to make you have that kebab before you pile into the taxi home.”
Thumping the rostrum, the ranting scientist continued: “Now is the time to round up these evil lard-arses, before society collapses under their weight! I envisage some kind of camp, where they can be shovelled into big ovens to burn off all that unsightly fat. Meanwhile, I urge you all to cut yourselves off completely from the wicked fatties. Refuse to buy goods in shops run by fat people! Keep your children home from school until the teachers agree to remove fat kids from the classrooms! Spray ‘Gutbucket’ on their doors and windows! Beat them up in the street! That should be easy - they’re too fat to run away.”
However, some people are beginning to question the claims of the food-ban fuhrers.
“My mate Trace ‘ere is like a size ten, right?” said one young stick insect we spoke to in a downtown bar. “But if I din’ ‘ave ‘er wiv me when I goes art on the pull, blokes might cast a more critical eye over me, yeah? And then they might twig that I’m just a gobby little bag of bones wiv ‘air art of a bottle and skin like I’ve been tangoed. So good on yer, Trace love - you jus’ keep eatin’ them crisps, girl.”
Thursday, 6 March 2008
Fat Lot of Good
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, is temporarily moving to a council estate in Hull for a two-part ITV documentary – imaginatively titled ‘The Duchess in Hull’ – in which she will bully a family of commoners into losing weight.
The Duchess said: "Weight issues affect all sorts of people from all walks of life. Obviously, of course, the only ones who generally get on TV are stereotypical underclass dullards, who make ideal targets for ridicule by their betters. The family I met in Hull live in a way that I hadn't experienced - feeding six on a week's benefits. Imagine that! Six people who have never even heard of Fortnum and Mason, let alone have an account with them. I didn’t know such creatures existed."
The Duchess has already been seen by locals shopping in budget supermarket Netto, where she spent a distressing half-hour searching in vain for organically-sourced rocket and fairtrade couscous.
"This programme is an attempt to explore solutions to the growing obesity problem in the UK,” added the Duchess. “I mean, obviously, sending a Royal divorcee into the homes of the nation's gutbuckets is not really a practical solution - especially since Anne and Charles are far too hoity-toity to parade themselves around on tawdry, finger-pointing stunts like this – but maybe I can at least inspire an army of smug, middle-class women to make loud, patronising comments about lardy proles in the hope that it might shame them into swallowing a few less burgers.”
The Duchess said: "Weight issues affect all sorts of people from all walks of life. Obviously, of course, the only ones who generally get on TV are stereotypical underclass dullards, who make ideal targets for ridicule by their betters. The family I met in Hull live in a way that I hadn't experienced - feeding six on a week's benefits. Imagine that! Six people who have never even heard of Fortnum and Mason, let alone have an account with them. I didn’t know such creatures existed."
The Duchess has already been seen by locals shopping in budget supermarket Netto, where she spent a distressing half-hour searching in vain for organically-sourced rocket and fairtrade couscous.
"This programme is an attempt to explore solutions to the growing obesity problem in the UK,” added the Duchess. “I mean, obviously, sending a Royal divorcee into the homes of the nation's gutbuckets is not really a practical solution - especially since Anne and Charles are far too hoity-toity to parade themselves around on tawdry, finger-pointing stunts like this – but maybe I can at least inspire an army of smug, middle-class women to make loud, patronising comments about lardy proles in the hope that it might shame them into swallowing a few less burgers.”
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