Ethical Consumers’ Travel Plans Now Totally Screwed

With the RAF taking delivery of its first Airbus A330 Voyager tanker and troop transport, ethical purchasers are now totally fucked as far as their holidays are concerned.

Yeah, dream on, flyboy - it's just a big tube with wings

“OMG there must be an airliner somewhere that isn’t made by an arms manufacturer,” sighed an aghast Starchild Moonflower - whose real name is Sue - to her Facebook commune. “Airbus, Boeing, British Aerospace, Bombardier – well, that goes without saying – fuck it, even the bloody Brazilian one’s part and parcel of the murdering military-industrial complex!”

“What about Aeroflot? Tupolev… Antonov… I might have known,” she continued. “Sorry, kids, looks like it’s a sodding Margate caravan park for the rest of your childhood.”

Meanwhile, aviation experts are placing bets on what the RAF will call the long-delayed A400M troop transport, if Airbus can ever get the damned thing to work. The bookies’ choice is currently ‘Tardis’ at 3-2, with ‘Millennium Falcon’ the second favourite at 3-1, ‘Eagle Transporter’ at 6-1 and ‘Noddy Car’ a long shot at 33-1.

Man Tells Joke

A man on the telly told a joke on Friday, it has been reported by infuriated media watchdogs.

BBC switchboards were jammed with complaints after 5.7m horrified viewers found themselves laughing at the man’s joke.

“We will, of course, be mounting a full internal investigation into this alleged joke incident,” promised Director General Mark Thompson. “We take allegations of humour very seriously at the BBC - and if the man is found to have said anything remotely funny, he will be taken to a place of judgement, i.e. the Daily Express offices, and hanged from the neck until dead.”

Meanwhile, the ghost of Les Dawson’s long-suffering mother-in-law is said to have contacted the tabloid press via a medium, complaining that her afterlife has been made intolerable by the long-dead comedian’s shameful and derogatory references to her over the course of his long career.

“Whooooo,” she told reporters.

BBC Says ‘Shan’t’, Stamps Feet, Holds Breath Until Sick

The BBC Board has reaffirmed its refusal to broadcast an appeal from the Disasters Emergency Committee for aid to Gaza, despite mounting pressure from politicians of all parties, church leaders and the general public to reconsider its decision.

“We are the Lord your BBC,” said the BBC Board in a statement. “And when we condemn 1,300,000 Palestinians to live in a shelled-out hole in the ground without food, fuel or shelter, we do so without any bias whatsoever. Any form of pressure to change our minds is nothing less than overt political interference of the type and level perpetrated by the likes of Stalin and Goebbels.”

“We note with contempt the craven capitulation in the face of public opinion by the hated propagandists of ITV and Channel 4,” they continued. “Together with that other great bastion of unbiased truth, Sky News, we are resolved to continue with our brave policy of sticking two fingers up at everyone who dares to criticize our unworldly aloofness. We are proud to stand shoulder-to-shoulder alongside that other famous upholder of editorial freedom, Rupert Murdoch.”

Mixed Wards Phased Out At Last

Army medics are busy dragging wounded Taliban from their beds at Camp Bastion Field Hospital and dumping them in a heavily-guarded skip, after Britain reacted with outrage on hearing that Our Brave Boys and Girls (TM) in Afghanistan were being forced to recover from their wounds on the same wards as their former adversaries.

"How dare those heartless RAMC doctors tend the injuries of a load of hot-headed Islamic terrorist lunatics?" screamed a man in a pub. "These foreign bleeders ain't never paid a penny in National Insurance in their lives, and yet they just turn up on stretchers and expect to have a load of bullets removed free, gratis and for nothing? We ought to be sticking pencils into their wounds and giving them a bloody good twist."

"All right then, we'll just throw away all the fundamental rules of decency, human dignity and civilised behaviour," said a senior army surgeon at Camp Bastion. "We should have remembered that these ignorant, hate-filled scum yearn to inflict the narrow-minded beliefs of a sadistic bunch of merciless medieval savages upon their own people." 

"If you ask me, we ought to just bayonet these bloody Sun readers and leave them to die," he added.