Exeter University Hoping £9000 Fees Will Keep Out The Plymouth Riff-Raff

The University of Exeter today announced that it would be charging the full £9000-a-year tuition fees, and reassured its present and future students that although it would naturally be taking steps to encourage wider participation from less wealthy backgrounds, it would not be advertising this fact in Plymouth, obviously.

Exeter prides itself on its rigorous selection procedures

“Exeter has, over the years, acquired a bit of a reputation for being little more than a playground for rather wealthy young socialites who were too thick to get into Oxford, Cambridge or even Durham, and were too cack-handed to wangle their way in with their sporting prowess either,” said Professor Steve Smith, the university’s vice-chancellor and CEO. “Well, it’s nice that people say such kind things about us, but until now we’ve never really had anything really concrete to back it up with.”

“I think it goes without saying, of course, that our neighbour, Plymouth Remedial College And Petting Zoo – to give it its proper name – wouldn’t dare to charge its simian exhibits anything like the full whack,” he added. “If they did, the ghastly place would be empty in seconds and their fat frump headmistress knows it.”

“That in itself ought to keep the scum from travelling up here every day on the Shoplifter’s Special bus,” he explained with a grimace of disdain. “But just in case, rest assured that when I say we shall be meeting the government’s token target of offering bursaries to the underprivileged, I’m talking about the rather better sort for whom ‘making ends meet’ means hanging onto the Range Rover for three years instead of two.”

“We are deeply concerned about the vice-chancellor’s statement,” said Exeter Guild Of Union-Loathing Students’ hereditary president, the Hon. Annabelle Thykke. “And if he doesn’t extend his prohibition to Torquay forthwith, we shall simply have no option but to pelt him with scones until he relents.”

“Rah! Rah! Rah!” she added. “We’re going to smash the oiks!”

Exeter Faces World's Worst Terrorist Attack

The inhabitants of the quiet Devon city of Exeter are struggling to pick up their lives, after becoming the target of the World’s Worst Terrorist Attack last week.

The incident saw the World’s Worst Terrorist – Mr Blimey O’Reilly from Plymouth – take his jerry-built firework 45 miles up the A38 on the Exeter bus before successfully blowing his own face off in a toilet.

Staff at Giraffes Restaurant said they heard three sharp cracks as O’Blimey’s cracker went off.

“I thought, ‘Oh, brilliant. That lardy janner’s gone and busted the lav’,” said one of the staff. “Then he came staggering out of the gents with blood on his face and I thought, ‘Must’ve tripped and fallen head-first into the urinal, then.’ It was only when he said, ‘O bugger me, moy bleddy bomb din’ bleddy wurk!’ that I realised I had in fact witnessed the Worst Terrorist Attack in the World. I called the Guinness Book of Records, then the police.”

Devon and Cornwall Police followed up the incident by mounting an armed raid on a pavement café in Plymouth on Friday, arresting a man for Looking Like He Weren’t From Round Here in a public place. A passing student captured the chaos in the World’s Worst Mobile Phone Footage of Something Happening.

Exonians are displaying typical British stoicism in the face of the attack. “We thought the suicide bomber who set himself on fire in Scotland last year was pretty damned useless,” said one, “But if you wanted to find someone even dimmer than that, I suppose Plymouth would be the place to look. I’m trying to get back to normality, but I’m afraid it’ll be a while before I stop laughing.”

The police later revealed that Blimey O’Reilly was known to them beforehand.

“Oh yes, we knew he was useless ages ago,” said a force spokesman at the Exeter HQ. “In fact we were hoping he’d blow himself up on the Shoplifters’ Express on the way up and take all those thieving Plymoid chavs with him.”