With the imminent departure of Carol Vorderman from long-running schedule-filler Countdown looming, after producers dared to offer her only ten times what she was worth instead of the usual hundred, Channel Four has announced the search for a replacement.
Applicants must ideally have two legs, two arms and a head, be able to name all the letters of the alphabet on sight, have at least one working ear and be able to scrawl simple sums on a whiteboard as they are barked into their earpiece by a control room assistant while pretending they worked it out all by themselves. The ability to simper pathetically at the interminable barrage of lame comments made by the presenter would also be desirable, said Channel 4’s Head of Daytime, Helen Warner, but was not essential as training would be given.
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
Put That Traffic Cone Down, Dear, And Go To Your Room
Britain’s universities are to allow pushy parents to act as agents for their children, directly handling admissions decisions and negotiations – and, increasingly, they are being allowed to take part in their children’s interviews.
The so-called phenomenon of ‘helicopter parents’ is on the increase, according to Frank Furedi, professional rent-a-quote academic and professor of sociology at the University of Kent.
“All universities now have to take the parent factor into account. On university open days you can see more parents attending than children,” he said. “There is a powerful sense of infantilism, where parents can’t let go.”
Professor Furedi warned that universities were in danger of becoming “schools for biologically mature children” if parental interference continued to increase.
These over-involved parents reflect the rise of consumerism in universities, explained Cary Cooper, professor of organisational psychology at Lancaster University Management School. “These horrific control freaks are paying more, so they think they can demand more,” he said.
The Nev Filter tried asking some prospective students what they thought of having their parents trailing their every move at university.
“Let me handle this, love,” said one mother whose son we rang. “Damien is very glad that his father and I care enough about his future happiness to wake him up in the morning, drive him to lectures, sit in, ask questions, do his coursework, take his exams, veto his choice of friends, tell him when he’s had enough fun for one evening and vet his potential girlfriends. Of course, we would be failing in our duty as loving, responsible parents if, when the time comes, we didn’t attend his job interviews, go to work with him, find him a suitable wife, go with them on their honeymoon, and tell him when – and how - to have children when we feel it’s the right time.”
The so-called phenomenon of ‘helicopter parents’ is on the increase, according to Frank Furedi, professional rent-a-quote academic and professor of sociology at the University of Kent.
“All universities now have to take the parent factor into account. On university open days you can see more parents attending than children,” he said. “There is a powerful sense of infantilism, where parents can’t let go.”
Professor Furedi warned that universities were in danger of becoming “schools for biologically mature children” if parental interference continued to increase.
These over-involved parents reflect the rise of consumerism in universities, explained Cary Cooper, professor of organisational psychology at Lancaster University Management School. “These horrific control freaks are paying more, so they think they can demand more,” he said.
The Nev Filter tried asking some prospective students what they thought of having their parents trailing their every move at university.
“Let me handle this, love,” said one mother whose son we rang. “Damien is very glad that his father and I care enough about his future happiness to wake him up in the morning, drive him to lectures, sit in, ask questions, do his coursework, take his exams, veto his choice of friends, tell him when he’s had enough fun for one evening and vet his potential girlfriends. Of course, we would be failing in our duty as loving, responsible parents if, when the time comes, we didn’t attend his job interviews, go to work with him, find him a suitable wife, go with them on their honeymoon, and tell him when – and how - to have children when we feel it’s the right time.”
Hello, Hello, They're Back Again
A pilot scheme involving facial recognition devices was launched yesterday at Manchester Airport by Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, as part of efforts to improve security and avoid congestion.
The experimental system – involving a camera on a long stalk, set on a sort of turret mounted on a conical, bronze-coloured mobile base unit decorated with columns of gold domes, which sported a sink-plunger and a strange device apparently made out of coat-hangers – was ceremonially switched on by the Home Secretary, who said: “The UK has one of the toughest borders in the world and we are determined to keep it that way.”
When activated, the security system scanned the Home Secretary’s face, matching it against electronically-stored biometric images. The top-mounted lights then flashed as it announced that she had been identified as an enemy of the Daleks, and exterminated her.
The menacing facial-recognition unit then turned its attention to the hordes of terrified, fleeing onlookers.
“Where is Gary Glitter?” it demanded. “Bring him to me at once! He is the leader! He is the leader of an unstoppable Dalek army of terror and destruction! He is.”
The experimental system – involving a camera on a long stalk, set on a sort of turret mounted on a conical, bronze-coloured mobile base unit decorated with columns of gold domes, which sported a sink-plunger and a strange device apparently made out of coat-hangers – was ceremonially switched on by the Home Secretary, who said: “The UK has one of the toughest borders in the world and we are determined to keep it that way.”
When activated, the security system scanned the Home Secretary’s face, matching it against electronically-stored biometric images. The top-mounted lights then flashed as it announced that she had been identified as an enemy of the Daleks, and exterminated her.
The menacing facial-recognition unit then turned its attention to the hordes of terrified, fleeing onlookers.
“Where is Gary Glitter?” it demanded. “Bring him to me at once! He is the leader! He is the leader of an unstoppable Dalek army of terror and destruction! He is.”
Driverless Economy Trundles Down Slope, Remains Upright, Amuses Bystanders
Gordon Brown was reported to be embarrassed but hugely relieved yesterday, after the economy rolled down a steep slope when he accidentally left the handbrake off.
People watched in amazement as the economy bounced wildly, but remained obstinately upright during its out-of-control journey down the steep slope before settling into a mire at the very bottom.
Recovery crews were called and the muddy, but apparently intact, economy was ignominiously hauled out of the morass just in time to prevent it from sinking without trace.
“I feel a bit of a fool,” admitted the hapless Mr Brown. “I’ve always been very careful with the British economy, but I was briefly distracted when something shiny and golden on the horizon caught my eye, and my stupid momentary inattention could have spelt disaster. Still, it looks all right to me.”
One eyewitness, however, was not so sure. “Although there was no superficial damage, I dread to think what it’s like underneath,” he said doubtfully.
People watched in amazement as the economy bounced wildly, but remained obstinately upright during its out-of-control journey down the steep slope before settling into a mire at the very bottom.
Recovery crews were called and the muddy, but apparently intact, economy was ignominiously hauled out of the morass just in time to prevent it from sinking without trace.
“I feel a bit of a fool,” admitted the hapless Mr Brown. “I’ve always been very careful with the British economy, but I was briefly distracted when something shiny and golden on the horizon caught my eye, and my stupid momentary inattention could have spelt disaster. Still, it looks all right to me.”
One eyewitness, however, was not so sure. “Although there was no superficial damage, I dread to think what it’s like underneath,” he said doubtfully.
Monday, 18 August 2008
Cameron To Do To Society What Thatcher Did For Economy (Four Letters, Beginning With F)
David Cameron has revealed that he hopes to do for society what Margaret Thatcher did for the economy.
In a new book by political heavyweight reporter Dylan the Rabbit, editor of GQ magazine, the Tory leader said: “I’m going to be as radical a social reformer as Mrs Thatcher was an economic reformer, and radical social reform is what this country needs right now. In many ways that’s more difficult and complicated to do, but it’s no less an ambition, no less a task, and at heart it’s dealing with the issues of family breakdown, welfare dependency, failing schools, crime and the problems that we see in too many of our communities.”
As millions of avid readers eagerly turned the page to discover exactly how Mr Cameron was going to create order out of chaos, however, they were surprised to find him talking about the importance of effective decision-making and how he would now be leading a Conservative minority government, had Gordon Brown had called an election last autumn.
“I thought the printers must have accidentally missed a chunk out,” said one disappointed reader, “But I checked the page numbers and no, that’s how it was written.”
When the Nev Filter pressed him to explain precisely how he planned to create his modern utopia, Mr Cameron went to some length to explain how a man in a white van once tried to push him into the path of an oncoming car while riding his bike.
Finally we rang Margaret Thatcher for enlightenment, and she suggested that perhaps what her successor had in mind was selling the public off to the highest bidder, like she did with British Telecom and all the other public utilities.
Meanwhile, the government poured scorn on Mr Cameron’s proclamation.
“A serious look at his policies reveals an approach which is at best confused and at worst would be deeply damaging for our economy,” said Treasury Secretary Yvette Cooper. “You can tell how seriously we take David Cameron’s visions by the fact that it’s been left to me to criticise them.”
In a new book by political heavyweight reporter Dylan the Rabbit, editor of GQ magazine, the Tory leader said: “I’m going to be as radical a social reformer as Mrs Thatcher was an economic reformer, and radical social reform is what this country needs right now. In many ways that’s more difficult and complicated to do, but it’s no less an ambition, no less a task, and at heart it’s dealing with the issues of family breakdown, welfare dependency, failing schools, crime and the problems that we see in too many of our communities.”
As millions of avid readers eagerly turned the page to discover exactly how Mr Cameron was going to create order out of chaos, however, they were surprised to find him talking about the importance of effective decision-making and how he would now be leading a Conservative minority government, had Gordon Brown had called an election last autumn.
“I thought the printers must have accidentally missed a chunk out,” said one disappointed reader, “But I checked the page numbers and no, that’s how it was written.”
When the Nev Filter pressed him to explain precisely how he planned to create his modern utopia, Mr Cameron went to some length to explain how a man in a white van once tried to push him into the path of an oncoming car while riding his bike.
Finally we rang Margaret Thatcher for enlightenment, and she suggested that perhaps what her successor had in mind was selling the public off to the highest bidder, like she did with British Telecom and all the other public utilities.
Meanwhile, the government poured scorn on Mr Cameron’s proclamation.
“A serious look at his policies reveals an approach which is at best confused and at worst would be deeply damaging for our economy,” said Treasury Secretary Yvette Cooper. “You can tell how seriously we take David Cameron’s visions by the fact that it’s been left to me to criticise them.”
Pakistan Looks Forward to Five Minutes of Corruption-Free Democracy, Possibly Ten
President Pervez Musharraf resigned yesterday, in the face of threats by the opposition-led government of Pakistan to have him formally impeached.
Rejecting the charges of abuse of power, the former general who seized power in a bloodless military coup in 1999 said he was resigning in the interests of the country, which in this case coincided nicely with the interests of himself.
He is widely expected to be replaced by one of the leaders of the opposing coalition. Pakistanis were said to be looking forward with optimism to a new era of democracy - perhaps led by Asif Ali Zardari, who spent several years in prison charged with fraud and corruption, and whose chief qualification to lead the Pakistan People’s Party is that his corrupt wife Benazir Bhutto was the daughter of its corrupt founder; or possibly by Nawaz Sharif, whose previous, corrupt leadership of the country was so successful that the population positively welcomed the seizure of power by a military dictator.
“Today we have buried dictatorship forever,” said Pakistan’s Prime Minister, Yousuf Gilani optimistically. “But watch this space for updates on that.”
Rejecting the charges of abuse of power, the former general who seized power in a bloodless military coup in 1999 said he was resigning in the interests of the country, which in this case coincided nicely with the interests of himself.
He is widely expected to be replaced by one of the leaders of the opposing coalition. Pakistanis were said to be looking forward with optimism to a new era of democracy - perhaps led by Asif Ali Zardari, who spent several years in prison charged with fraud and corruption, and whose chief qualification to lead the Pakistan People’s Party is that his corrupt wife Benazir Bhutto was the daughter of its corrupt founder; or possibly by Nawaz Sharif, whose previous, corrupt leadership of the country was so successful that the population positively welcomed the seizure of power by a military dictator.
“Today we have buried dictatorship forever,” said Pakistan’s Prime Minister, Yousuf Gilani optimistically. “But watch this space for updates on that.”
'We're Not Sexist,' Australia's New Men Tell Gorgeous, Pouting Sheilas
The mayor of the remote Australian mining community of Mount Isa has come under fire for urging ugly women to move to the town, where men outnumber women five to one.
Councillor Gary Asmus said that Mayor John Moloney’s words were an insult to the men of Mount Isa, and that he was “returning us to the Dark Ages and making the guys that live in this town seem like sex-hungry starved men that will pounce upon the first girl that they see walking down the street. Of course, everyone knows that Australians - and outback miners in particular - are world-renowned for their enlightened, modern attitude to equality and respect.”
He was then barged aside by the town’s army of single men.
“Strewth, I’m so desperate I’d marry anything that didn’t have hair down its back,” pleaded Andy Larrikin, who drives the mine’s aircraft carrier-sized truck. “Even the mayor is beginning to look strangely attractive. God help me.”
“I saw a woman once,” reminisced retired drill operator Ned Drongo. “She was a funny shape, all covered in bumps. But like most Mount Isans I eventually found domestic harmony with my pet wombat, Sally.”
Councillor Gary Asmus said that Mayor John Moloney’s words were an insult to the men of Mount Isa, and that he was “returning us to the Dark Ages and making the guys that live in this town seem like sex-hungry starved men that will pounce upon the first girl that they see walking down the street. Of course, everyone knows that Australians - and outback miners in particular - are world-renowned for their enlightened, modern attitude to equality and respect.”
He was then barged aside by the town’s army of single men.
“Strewth, I’m so desperate I’d marry anything that didn’t have hair down its back,” pleaded Andy Larrikin, who drives the mine’s aircraft carrier-sized truck. “Even the mayor is beginning to look strangely attractive. God help me.”
“I saw a woman once,” reminisced retired drill operator Ned Drongo. “She was a funny shape, all covered in bumps. But like most Mount Isans I eventually found domestic harmony with my pet wombat, Sally.”
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Brown Seeks Olympic Gold
Gordon Brown has sent his congratulations to Britain’s athletes for their medal success in the Beijing Olympics.
In a letter to team GB, the Prime Minister called their 17-medal weekend haul “a superb and unprecedented achievement”.
“You may be too young to remember that, in a fit of uncharacteristic generosity, I flogged off half of Britain’s gold reserves at knock-down prices between 1999 and 2001,” he went on. “Since then, we’ve had to pay for a couple of wars, prop up Northern Rock and throw huge wads of cash at various consultants, train companies and IT contractors – and, what with the price of everything nowadays, the spare cash tin’s looking pretty empty. Sorry to bother you - and I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate – but when you return home in triumph clutching your gold medals, could you just spare a few for the Treasury? They’d make all the difference – I’m about to be made homeless, mate. You haven’t got any more, have you? I couldn’t be really cheeky, could I, and have the bronze and silver ones too? Bless you.”
Several Olympic medallists coughed and looked the other way, while others muttered that Mr Brown would probably just pop straight round to Tbilisi and waste the money on vodka.
In a letter to team GB, the Prime Minister called their 17-medal weekend haul “a superb and unprecedented achievement”.
“You may be too young to remember that, in a fit of uncharacteristic generosity, I flogged off half of Britain’s gold reserves at knock-down prices between 1999 and 2001,” he went on. “Since then, we’ve had to pay for a couple of wars, prop up Northern Rock and throw huge wads of cash at various consultants, train companies and IT contractors – and, what with the price of everything nowadays, the spare cash tin’s looking pretty empty. Sorry to bother you - and I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate – but when you return home in triumph clutching your gold medals, could you just spare a few for the Treasury? They’d make all the difference – I’m about to be made homeless, mate. You haven’t got any more, have you? I couldn’t be really cheeky, could I, and have the bronze and silver ones too? Bless you.”
Several Olympic medallists coughed and looked the other way, while others muttered that Mr Brown would probably just pop straight round to Tbilisi and waste the money on vodka.
Bigfoot Strikes Again...
Experts remain sceptical of the claims of a pair of American hikers that they have discovered the body of the legendary ‘Bigmouth’ in the backwoods of northern Georgia.
Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer claim that the body, which they have stored in a freezer, is the mortal remains of the famous ape-like creature of popular myth. Despite widespread US media coverage, however, experts were queueing up to pour cold water on the pair’s story.
“I think the pictures cast grave doubts on their claim,” said Jeffery Meldrum, professor of anatomy and anthropology at Idaho State University. “It just looks like a costume with some fake guts thrown on for effect. In that respect, it does indeed resemble ‘Bigmouth’ – or President George W Bush, as he is also known. However, the real President Bush is alive and well and loping round the White House even as we speak, eating a banana.”
Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer claim that the body, which they have stored in a freezer, is the mortal remains of the famous ape-like creature of popular myth. Despite widespread US media coverage, however, experts were queueing up to pour cold water on the pair’s story.
“I think the pictures cast grave doubts on their claim,” said Jeffery Meldrum, professor of anatomy and anthropology at Idaho State University. “It just looks like a costume with some fake guts thrown on for effect. In that respect, it does indeed resemble ‘Bigmouth’ – or President George W Bush, as he is also known. However, the real President Bush is alive and well and loping round the White House even as we speak, eating a banana.”
Spin Doctors Downplay Outbreak of Socialism
Spin doctors are working frantically to limit the spread of a contagious disease which has broken out at the Department of Health.
The public were urged not to panic, after Health Minister Ivan Lewis wrote an article in the Sunday Times suggesting that high earners could be taxed more in order to help the country through the present economic slowdown.
“Ivan Lewis is a very sick man, and is presenting some of the classic symptoms of full-blown socialism,” admitted a leading spin doctor. “We thought we’d eradicated this pestilence forever in 1992, when we put a bank manager in charge of the Labour Party. However, there is no cause for public consternation. We have moved swiftly to isolate Mr Lewis from the rest of the government, and we are confident that we have stopped the infection before it could spread any further. It seems that he has been incubating a resistant strain of the socialism virus which, if unchecked, is likely to cause a particularly virulent reaction in the Daily Mail.”
A spokesman for Mr Lewis claimed that he had only advocated taxing the rich to ease the pain of the middle classes in their terrible struggle to keep their 4x4s topped up.
“Mr Lewis is merely suffering from a mild fear of losing his seat at the next election,” he said, “If he can be shut away for that, then you might as well lock up the whole of the Parliamentary Labour Party.”
The public were urged not to panic, after Health Minister Ivan Lewis wrote an article in the Sunday Times suggesting that high earners could be taxed more in order to help the country through the present economic slowdown.
“Ivan Lewis is a very sick man, and is presenting some of the classic symptoms of full-blown socialism,” admitted a leading spin doctor. “We thought we’d eradicated this pestilence forever in 1992, when we put a bank manager in charge of the Labour Party. However, there is no cause for public consternation. We have moved swiftly to isolate Mr Lewis from the rest of the government, and we are confident that we have stopped the infection before it could spread any further. It seems that he has been incubating a resistant strain of the socialism virus which, if unchecked, is likely to cause a particularly virulent reaction in the Daily Mail.”
A spokesman for Mr Lewis claimed that he had only advocated taxing the rich to ease the pain of the middle classes in their terrible struggle to keep their 4x4s topped up.
“Mr Lewis is merely suffering from a mild fear of losing his seat at the next election,” he said, “If he can be shut away for that, then you might as well lock up the whole of the Parliamentary Labour Party.”
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