‘I Have Breasts And Am Therefore Beyond Criticism’ Declares Guardian’s New Columnist

A fuming Louise Schmuck emerged today from the Guardian offices on Farringdon Road, where she has just been signed up to pen daily blasts against the monstruous regiment of men, to declare herself off limits to any form of criticism on the unarguable grounds that “abuse directed at women is always sexual or violent.”

Producing an onion from her sensible corduroy handbag, a sobbing Ms Schmuck revealed that, tragically, not quite everyone in the country had showered her with gratitude for her stirring defence of her sister’s publisher, the legendary feminist Rupert Murdoch - whose Sun newspaper has, for forty years, bravely run an outspoken campaign against the sexual objectification of womyn by allowing them to air their considered opinions on topics of national importance, along with their breasts.

Oh no! It's Millie Tant!

Ms Schmuck also railed against the book trade which, she insists, has brutally gang-raped the literary studies which she writes under the name of Louise Bogbrush - collectively, a throbbing social critique of devastatingly attractive, successful career womyn’s doomed efforts to acquire a tame penis that lives up to their expectations - by deliberately marginalizing them as ‘chick-lit’.

“Anybody who has a difference of opinion about anything I do or say is a serial murderer,” she asserted furiously, bearing down on a surprised traffic warden. “You there! Yes, you - police flunky! Arrest everyone in Britain immediately.”

Women Flapping About Something Or Other Again

Take cover, chaps

Women have got a bee in their bonnet about some damned thing or other, their long-suffering partners warned the public today.

It is difficult to gather exactly what it is that women are blowing off about this time, according to researchers - but the gist of it seems to be that, whatever it is, men seem to be the cause of it as usual.

“I heard something about Ken Clarke, I think,” said a man in Bury St Edmunds, who had taken refuge in his shed. “Apparently he writes about everything from a male perspective. Or was it Philip Roth letting all the rapists out of prison? God knows. I just said ‘I’m sure you’re right, dear,’ and decided it was probably a good time to do a bit of potting until EastEnders shuts her up for five minutes.”

A woman whose jaw was flapping nineteen to the dozen went, “Drip, drip, drip.”

Sacked Sky Presenter Seeks Extra-Large Tube Of Witch Repellant

So that's how Blackpool got promoted

Richard Keys, the Sky Sports presenter sacked after forgetting that the broadcaster he worked for is in the habit of leaving microphone channels open, today claimed that his views on the suitability of women regarding the interpretation of the rules of football were shared by the majority of extinct reptiles, and movingly shared his morbid fear of witches with the world.

Visiting TalkSPORT radio in search of a job, Mr Keys mistook the small studio he was ushered into for a job interview suite, and candidly confessed that he deserved to be “battered” for his “prehistoric banter” – an allegation hotly denied later by a crocodile spokesman for surviving saurians – before expressing his surprise at the anger his comments had generated and warning: “There are some dark forces at work here.”

The interview ended abruptly when Mr Keys claimed he saw the wing of a bat briefly bob to the surface of the coffee brought to him by “an evil tea witch”. He left via the fire escape, and was later spotted in an alternative health shop asking for “the biggest tube of witch repellent” they could find.

The BBC later apologised.

Woman Buggers Up Simple Repair Job

A daft cow has made a complete balls-up of a simple DIY repair job on the International Space Station, said US space agency NASA today.

The outdoor job - a piece of piss involving the ball joint on a solar array system, according to NASA technicians - was cocked up beyond belief when the clumsy bint, Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper, started singing and doing a silly zero-gravity dance, and knocked a tool-bag into the depths of space.

When the dozy bitch returned to the airlock, moaning that she had broken a fingernail extension, the other astronauts on the space station wasted no time in telling her to stick to cooking and hoovering - and made it abundantly clear that in future she should leave the technical stuff to the blokes, who had an aptitude for that kind of thing.

According to mission controllers, Ms Stefanyshyn-Piper then burst into tears, locked herself in the zero-G toilet and refused to come out.

“Time of the month,” shrugged fellow-astronaut Steve Bowen, as he cracked open a tube of beer and strapped himself to the sofa for an uninterrupted evening of sport on the telly.

Paxman To Be Replaced By Paxwoman

The veteran Newsnight host Jeremy Paxman has come under fire for claiming that white, middle-class men have no chance in today’s television industry.

“Gorblimey guv’nor,” Mr Paxman told an audience at the Edinburgh Festival, in a pre-recorded interview. “You seen all them posh birds in their designer suits wot’s running the BBC these days? Did I say runnin’? Ruinin’, more like! It’s got like bleedin’ Desperate Housewives over Shepherd’s Bush way lately, I’m tellin’ yer! An’ that Channel Four’s even worse! Pretty soon they’ll ‘ave ter rename it Davina, the way fings is goin’ – serious! Channel Five? Channel Five?? More like bladdy Chanel Number Five, innit? If any bloke gets in my cab an’ arsks ‘ow to git inta telly, I tells ‘im straight – put on a dress, mate, an’ stuff a couple of rolled-up socks dahn the front! Else you int got no chance. Know wot I mean? ‘Ere we are, Miss Frostrup, Television Centre. That’ll be twelve quid eighty - but’ ere, tell yer wot, love, you’ve got a pretty face, ow’s about we come to a cosy little ‘arrangement’, you an’ me - if yer not in any kind of ‘urry, like? Whoops - no offence, darlin’!”

'We're Not Sexist,' Australia's New Men Tell Gorgeous, Pouting Sheilas

The mayor of the remote Australian mining community of Mount Isa has come under fire for urging ugly women to move to the town, where men outnumber women five to one.

Councillor Gary Asmus said that Mayor John Moloney’s words were an insult to the men of Mount Isa, and that he was “returning us to the Dark Ages and making the guys that live in this town seem like sex-hungry starved men that will pounce upon the first girl that they see walking down the street. Of course, everyone knows that Australians - and outback miners in particular - are world-renowned for their enlightened, modern attitude to equality and respect.”

He was then barged aside by the town’s army of single men.

“Strewth, I’m so desperate I’d marry anything that didn’t have hair down its back,” pleaded Andy Larrikin, who drives the mine’s aircraft carrier-sized truck. “Even the mayor is beginning to look strangely attractive. God help me.”

“I saw a woman once,” reminisced retired drill operator Ned Drongo. “She was a funny shape, all covered in bumps. But like most Mount Isans I eventually found domestic harmony with my pet wombat, Sally.”

Cop a Load of My Baps, You Sexist Bastards

An Israeli tourist has fought back against sexist workmen who wolf-whistle at attractive women, by stripping off in the street.

The unnamed woman was about to use a cash dispenser in Kerikeri, in the far north of New Zealand, when the road gang whistled at her. She stripped, took out her cash from the machine, put her clothes back on and walked off.

“She’s not an unattractive lady,” said Police Sergeant Peter Masters. “She was taken back to the police station and spoken to, and told that was inappropriate in New Zealand. Our women are trolls, so we just aren’t used to seeing real live babes. These workmen were innocently going about their business, and when this heavenly creature appeared before them like a vision they were, understandably, rendered temporarily speechless. When she flashed her assets at these poor, deprived men, two of them fainted dead away and one had a heart attack. Now they can’t bear to go home to their hideous old munters. We’ve sent her back to Israel before we suffer a national hag crisis.”

New Zealand’s wretched crones protested vigorously at being labelled as ugly. However, when it was pointed out to them that, in Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, the female stars were two Australians and an American while the pride of New Zealand’s womanhood appeared as the horse-riding men of Rohan, they quietly crawled back under their bridges to pounce on unwary travellers – a traditional form of courtship in New Zealand.