'Don't Panic, But Soft Toys Mean Instant Death', Warns Government

New swine flu guidelines, issued to childminders and nurseries by the Department for Children, Schools and Families, suggest that cuddly toys, pencils, crayons and musical instruments are almost certain to result in immediate piggy death for any child who touches them.

"Clean hard toys by hosing them down with pure ammonia every five minutes," is the official government advice to the childcare sector. "Try to avoid children sharing soft toys, as these are difficult to clean adequately unless they are small enough to be roasted for an hour inside a pressure cooker full of nitric acid. The toys, that is - not the children. Although that would work too."

"Actually, your best bet is to fit all children with scuba tanks as soon as they're dropped off, then seal them into polythene bags and shut them inside individual lockers until their parents come to collect them," concludes the guide.

Families have responded angrily to the news that their children may become carriers of the dreaded piggy death disease which is wiping out millions. Many concerned parents are already abandoning their potentially unclean offspring on the doorsteps of council offices and hospitals, or just turning them out of their homes with a Nintendo DS, a bag of crisps and a bottle of Sunny Delight, with a bell tied round their necks warning others not to approach them under any circumstances.

All Life Must Cease To Prevent Swine Flu, Claim Medical Researchers

The government is considering a call from researchers at Imperial College London to carpet-bomb all public meeting-places and nail everyone's doors and windows shut, in a desperate last-ditch attempt to prevent every living thing on the planet from dying from horrible piggy death.

"Ve do not vish to spread undue alarm or panic about vot is, after all, a very minor health threat," said lead researcher Dr Neil Strangelove, "But you are all going to die screaming in unendurable agony, unless ze government does exactly as ve say. Schools, shops, cinemas, sporting venues, pubs und clubs und vorkplaces must be closed down vizout delay und bombed into oblivion by ze Luftwaffe - sorry, of course I mean ze RAF - or, better still, by ze deployment of strategic nuclear weapons. Meanwhile, such of ze population as remains should be entombed in zer homes immediately, vere zey can die decently vizout making anybody else cough."

"Ze only exceptions to zis policy should be a few scientifically-selected specimens of superior breeding stock, who vill emerge from zer bunkers to found a new und better society, free from all of ze infections und taints of ze failed democratic experiment," continued Dr Strangelove, who seemed to be having some difficulty in controlling his arm.

Meanwhile, hard-pressed doctors are being overwhelmed by cases of 'trench hand', caused by hygiene-obsessed women who insist on impregnating their hands with antiseptic gel every time they open a door, use a tap, press a button or handle money. The condition is often accompanied by the dreaded 'trench bum', which is the result of repeatedly smearing the buttocks with gel before sitting down.

Recession Definitely Caused By Swine Flu, Say Suits

The continuing recession is all swine flu's fault, according to a lot of very wealthy men in suits, and definitely nothing to do with them.

Separate reports from business leaders and highly-paid consultants claim that the H1N1 virus bears sole responsibility for the economic woes of the world, as people are now locking themselves in their homes and refusing to spend any money in case they catch piggy death from the change.

"Make no mistake, that bastard virus is to blame for everything. Hic," said business consultancy expert Nick Things as he staggered from an advisory lunch with Lloyds Bank bosses at Gordon Ramsey's exclusive Chelsea restaurant, Le Cercle, after telling them they probably wouldn't miss another 1,200 IT staff as long as their computer network didn't fall over any time in the next few years. "Now the little people are taking time off sick, avoiding foreign travel and spending less money, damn them all to hell - and it's purely because of this sodding virus. Now if you'll excuse me, old boy, I think I'm going to be copiously sick."

"Listen to my voice. There was no recession until this flu business kicked off," agreed leading futures trader Rob Blind in a soothing voice, as he swung a diamond-encrusted Breitling watch in front of TV cameras. "Everything was fine. You were happy and prosperous. There - was - no - recession."

Say it," he added.