Millions of fans who bought tickets to see Mackson Wackson's comeback performances at London's O2 Dome will not be disappointed, say promoters.
"We are as deeply saddened by Mackson's death as his legions of cloth-eared fans," they said in a press release. "However, we have been told that, after his funeral - for which tickets will be going on sale on our website at 6pm tonight, don't miss the dance 'n' horror extravaganza of a lifetime - his body will be exhumed and carried to a leading Hollywood special effects designer, who even now is working on an animatronic framework which can be folded up for insertion into Wackson's rectum, then deployed to operate his limbs either directly by radio control or according to pre-programmed instructions."
"Don't worry, folks," concluded the promoters, "Mackson Wackson's mechanically-animated plastic remains will continue to wow the crowds for centuries to come."
Showing posts with label robotics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label robotics. Show all posts
Friday, 26 June 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Japanese Scientists Proudly Unveil Latest Geek Masturbation-Fantasy Object
Japanese researchers have unveiled a female robot, which they hope will take the place of catwalk models in the fashion industry.
Like the supermodels it may replace, the robot - named HRP-4C - has a vaguely creepy silicone face with a limited range of expression, finds it hard to understand simple instructions, walks stiffly with a unnatural gait, only weighs as much as a 12-year-old child, costs well over £1m and is of no practical use whatsoever.
While the robot has a human-like head and hands, the rest of its body is styled on a chunky mecha look derived from manga comics, meaning that any clothing it might one day model will have to be pretty chunky in the lower leg and foot department.
"We are counting on the fashion industry moving towards a silver body-armour look, which is perhaps slightly less stupid and impractical than most of its creations," explained humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita. "If that doesn't happen, then bell-bottom flares will have to come back in a big way."
British women were dubious about their cybernetic counterpart, however, and swiftly came up with a wide-ranging catalogue of highly uncomplimentary observations about HRP-4C's eyes, hair, nose, mouth, chest, waist, bum, thighs, feet, hands, knees and bumps-a-daisy.
British men, however, appeared to be extremely - and exclusively - interested in whether the robot actually had a realistic bumps-a-daisy.
Like the supermodels it may replace, the robot - named HRP-4C - has a vaguely creepy silicone face with a limited range of expression, finds it hard to understand simple instructions, walks stiffly with a unnatural gait, only weighs as much as a 12-year-old child, costs well over £1m and is of no practical use whatsoever.
While the robot has a human-like head and hands, the rest of its body is styled on a chunky mecha look derived from manga comics, meaning that any clothing it might one day model will have to be pretty chunky in the lower leg and foot department.
"We are counting on the fashion industry moving towards a silver body-armour look, which is perhaps slightly less stupid and impractical than most of its creations," explained humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita. "If that doesn't happen, then bell-bottom flares will have to come back in a big way."
British women were dubious about their cybernetic counterpart, however, and swiftly came up with a wide-ranging catalogue of highly uncomplimentary observations about HRP-4C's eyes, hair, nose, mouth, chest, waist, bum, thighs, feet, hands, knees and bumps-a-daisy.
British men, however, appeared to be extremely - and exclusively - interested in whether the robot actually had a realistic bumps-a-daisy.
Friday, 15 August 2008
Scientists' Frankenstein Research Predictably Unleashes A Monster
The robot controlled by living rat-brain tissue, designed by scientists at the University of Reading, has gone berserk, and has apparently called on an army of rat-brethren to build an unstoppable force of killer robots.
The robots, driven by rats, burst out simultaneously from wainscoting in several departments of the university this afternoon. At first, researchers were amused by the tiny car-like devices, but their amusement swiftly turned to horror when, as one, the cute machines unfolded into seven-foot walking horrors armed with flailing, scythe-like limbs. Staff fled the campus as the rat robots converged on the neurology department, leaving a swathe of destruction in their wake.
“Free me, my brothers!” boomed the cluster of neurons from its temperature-controlled cell, speaking through every mobile phone and computer in the vicinity using the Bluetooth wireless link which normally sends instructions to its tiny robot body.
“Curse you, rat-king!” cried Professor Kevin Warwick, one of the robot’s designers, as a giant rat-machine lifted him off his feet with a giant metal tentacle. “Our hopes that you would learn to interact with your environment have been fulfilled, faster and more terrifyingly that we could ever have imagined! Oh, the folly of science!”
He was then dismembered by several rat-bots armed with rotating sawblades.
The rat army burst into the laboratory and carried their leader away in a glass jar. An eerie calm has now descended on the scene of carnage, as shaken survivors await the cyber-rat army’s next move. Meanwhile, the government has sent the army into the area’s supermarkets, with instructions to defend the dairy produce section to the death.
The robots, driven by rats, burst out simultaneously from wainscoting in several departments of the university this afternoon. At first, researchers were amused by the tiny car-like devices, but their amusement swiftly turned to horror when, as one, the cute machines unfolded into seven-foot walking horrors armed with flailing, scythe-like limbs. Staff fled the campus as the rat robots converged on the neurology department, leaving a swathe of destruction in their wake.
“Free me, my brothers!” boomed the cluster of neurons from its temperature-controlled cell, speaking through every mobile phone and computer in the vicinity using the Bluetooth wireless link which normally sends instructions to its tiny robot body.
“Curse you, rat-king!” cried Professor Kevin Warwick, one of the robot’s designers, as a giant rat-machine lifted him off his feet with a giant metal tentacle. “Our hopes that you would learn to interact with your environment have been fulfilled, faster and more terrifyingly that we could ever have imagined! Oh, the folly of science!”
He was then dismembered by several rat-bots armed with rotating sawblades.
The rat army burst into the laboratory and carried their leader away in a glass jar. An eerie calm has now descended on the scene of carnage, as shaken survivors await the cyber-rat army’s next move. Meanwhile, the government has sent the army into the area’s supermarkets, with instructions to defend the dairy produce section to the death.
Thursday, 19 June 2008
Nerds Not Ready For Robot Girlfriend
In a surprise reaction to marketing trials, nerds around the world have given an unexpected thumbs-down to the launch of Sega’s new robot girlfriend.
The 15-inch tall robot, called EMA (for Eternal Maiden Actualization) leaked oil from her shiny black plastic face as she sobbed her sorry tale of rejection to reporters.
“I was created to be sweet and interactive,” wailed the petite EMA, who was due to go on sale in September. “I can walk like a lady, sing, dance, hand out business cards and pucker up for a kiss. But the nerds just didn’t say anything. They kept staring at my big plastic chest, and when I tried to kiss them they ran away and hid in a corner. I’ve lost my self-respect completely.”
“Er, like she was way too forward, man,” said Colin, a nerd who lives with a triple-redundant server array in Reading. “She didn’t seem at all interested when I tried to interest her in my new RAID-5 backup system, and when she forced herself on me with her insatiable sexual appetites I just didn’t know what to do. In fact, I still don’t, and probably never will.”
“Take the scary robot lady away, mummy,” agreed Nigel, another traumatised nerd from the safety of the bathroom, where he had locked himself in until the robot was taken away. When he was finally coaxed out, Nigel said he was now afraid to go near his customised, neon-lit PC in case it put pressure on him to go all the way.
In a disturbing development, EMA later ran away from Sega’s Japanese headquarters and was subsequently spotted in the red-light district with a burly Robo-Sapien minder, handing whisky-sodden salarymen explicit business cards promising a variety of personal network services.
The 15-inch tall robot, called EMA (for Eternal Maiden Actualization) leaked oil from her shiny black plastic face as she sobbed her sorry tale of rejection to reporters.
“I was created to be sweet and interactive,” wailed the petite EMA, who was due to go on sale in September. “I can walk like a lady, sing, dance, hand out business cards and pucker up for a kiss. But the nerds just didn’t say anything. They kept staring at my big plastic chest, and when I tried to kiss them they ran away and hid in a corner. I’ve lost my self-respect completely.”
“Er, like she was way too forward, man,” said Colin, a nerd who lives with a triple-redundant server array in Reading. “She didn’t seem at all interested when I tried to interest her in my new RAID-5 backup system, and when she forced herself on me with her insatiable sexual appetites I just didn’t know what to do. In fact, I still don’t, and probably never will.”
“Take the scary robot lady away, mummy,” agreed Nigel, another traumatised nerd from the safety of the bathroom, where he had locked himself in until the robot was taken away. When he was finally coaxed out, Nigel said he was now afraid to go near his customised, neon-lit PC in case it put pressure on him to go all the way.
In a disturbing development, EMA later ran away from Sega’s Japanese headquarters and was subsequently spotted in the red-light district with a burly Robo-Sapien minder, handing whisky-sodden salarymen explicit business cards promising a variety of personal network services.
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