Journalists Struggling To Report ‘Germany’s Cucumber Problem’ Without Giggling

They only just managed to fit it in

Chronic Masturbators Inundate Manchester Airport With Speculative Job Applications

The Human Resources staff at Manchester Airport are inundated with emailed CVs and oddly-stained letters of application for the unadvertised post of X-Ray Scanner Operator, after the airport began trials of a revolutionary new device which allows security staff to look through passengers' clothes and check them for genitals.

"There is no way that images of naked people could possibly be considered pornographic," sniffed Sarah Barrett, the airport's head of customer humiliation. "The very suggestion disgusts me to the core. Anyway, it is a matter of public record that every single individual who works in the security sector is an unimpeachable paragon of virtue, and a churchwarden to boot. And of course, like all public-sector IT systems, the computer attached to the X-ray device is utterly secure. There is no way that anyone could, for example, simply plug in a USB stick and upload thousands of nude photos onto the internet."

"I seriously doubt that anyone in the world could be remotely interested in polluting their immortal soul by looking at the human body in all its revolting, shameful detail," she continued. "And besides, I know for a fact that the internet is rigorously policed by elderly spinsters who delete anything that offends their sensibilities as soon as it's posted. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go for a shower before the water heats up to room temperature."

At Terminal 2, where the system has recently been introduced, passengers can choose to have their intimate privacy violated by the device - which displays an image of their wallets, piercings, breast implants and privates - or, if they prefer, strip off completely and board their flights buck naked.

"Dear God, somebody help me tear my eyes out," begged a scanner operative, as another coachload of well-fed retirees waddled in for their winter flight to Spain.

Fantasy Murder of Girls Aloud Commended By Court

A former civil servant has been cleared of obscenity charges after publishing a 12-page fantasy blog in which he imagined the kidnap, rape and murder of Girls Aloud.

Darryn Wanker walked free from Newcastle Crown Court after being found not guilty of breaching the Obscene Publications Act after his barrister successfully argued that he was only putting into words what every music fan was already thinking, apart from the rape bit.

"They are, after all, a bunch of manky slappers," pointed out Tim Owen QC. "Would you want to soil your todger with Sarah Harding, your honour? The defence rests."

Mr Wanker, 35, later told reporters that not only had he lost his job after being charged, but people were strangely reluctant to shake hands with him any more.

"I just want to rebuild my sad life," he said. "I have already rung my newsagent and asked him to put back a copy of the Sport, and I shall be stopping off at Tesco for a bumper pack of tissues."

"Then I hope I can get reinstated into the job of my choice in the civil service," he added. "I quite fancy running the Department of Culture, Media and Sport. Who's up for Jade Goody's disinterred corpse taking a non-stop bukkake fountain on the spare plinth in Trafalgar Square?"

Jacqui Smith's Alert Husband Uncovers Home Office Porn Link

The Home Office has removed a link from its website which connected surfers to a Japanese porn site, after Home Secretary Jacqui Smith's husband and aide, Richard Timney, was found sitting in front of a computer in her constituency office late in the evening with his trousers around his ankles.

When challenged by his wife's constituency chairman, Mr Timney said he was researching international terrorism for Ms Smith, and had clicked on a link which was supposed to take him from the Office for Security and Counter Terrorism page to the homepage of the Technical Advisory Board. He added that he was unaware that he had been misdirected into the depraved depths of Japanese pornography.

"The site to which I was directed certainly seemed to have some sort of security connection," explained a sweating Mr Timney. "There were hundreds of video clips showing pixellated images of male and female genitals. I was in the process of examining my own wedding tackle for moving squares when I was interrupted by the cleaner, who screamed and ran."

"I say, don't tell the wife, will you?" he begged as he tucked his shirt into his underpants. "I'm already sleeping on the sofa - I don't want to be exiled to the garden shed, £349.99 from the John Lewis catalogue."