Astronomers Spot Black Hole Sucking In Vast Cloud Of Money

Researchers at the European Southern Observatory today published stunning pictures showing the enormous black hole at the centre of our galaxy spectacularly swallowing all the money in the universe.

“We’ve known for a couple of years now that all of the money that has ever existed since the dawn of creation is disappearing at a phenomenal rate,” explained top space guy Randy Von Braun. “But this is the first time we’ve actually been lucky enough to see economic entropy happening right in front of our eyes. Look! There goes Greece’s entire GDP for the next 500 years! Puff - and it’s gone forever!”

It's Fred the Shred!

“Nobody knows for sure what - if anything - can exist within the enormous gravitational forces inside a black hole,” he added. “But recent advances in quantum physics lead us to believe it may well be a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland.”

Earth-Like Planet Teeming With Earth-Like Arseholes

Visitors from Kepler 22-b may already be among us

Although they are yet to ascertain whether whether the newly-discovered “Earth-like” planet Kepler 22-b is actually solid, liquid or gas, NASA scientists have confirmed that – just like Earth – its surface is absolutely crawling with complete and utter arseholes.

“We’ve picked up faint transmissions which, when amplified and run through an NTSC decoder, reveal the planet’s vapid inhabitants indulging in a depressing variety of tedious activities,” revealed project leader Randy Von Braun. “It seems that their chief religious ritual involves individual Kepleroids singing and dancing themselves into an emotional frenzy in front of a panel of tribal chiefs. Every night apparently resounds to gunfire exchanged by the citizenry and their law enforcers, while both groups seem to spend the entire daytime arguing amongst themselves. Sound familiar?”

“All we know about Kepler 22-b’s atmosphere is that it seems to be full of burnt hydrocarbons, with large stratospheric gaps at both poles,” he added. “Bearing in mind that everything we’re seeing happened 600 years ago, though, it’s quite likely that the Kepleroid infestation has managed to wipe itself out by now, so it’s probably not as bad as it sounds.”

Discovery Of Wookiee Homeworld Tantalisingly Close Now, Say Media Idiots

Idiots with degrees in journalism are sure that the long-awaited discovery of the legendary planet where Chewbacca came from will soon be within our grasp, following today’s sensational announcement that brainy telescope men have managed to track down Luke Skywalker’s insignificant desert homeworld, Tatooine, in a galaxy far, far away.

The holy grail of science

“Given the fluctuating electromagnetic and gravitic conditions which pertain to binary star systems, Kepler-16b is most likely to be a lifeless gas giant like Saturn in our own solar system,” top NASA telescope bloke Randy von Braun told a clamorous press conference. “And before you ask: no, it can’t support an intergalactic civilisation of little green man. There’s nothing solid to stand on because it’s just GAS, for fuck’s sake.”

Von Braun also insisted that the chance of finding Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobe or the droids we are looking for there was so remote that it could, for all practical purposes, be discounted entirely. However, leading theoreticians in the field of media studies say there can be no doubt whatsoever that, since these beings lived so long, long ago, Tatooine’s present gaseous state must surely be the terrible aftermath of vengeful Death Star activity.

Speaking for Earth’s millions of faithful Jedi Knights, they went on to urge the brainy space people to devote every telescope to the urgent search for the mysterious Wookiee planet before these magnificent - but tragically rare - beasts are driven into extinction.

Levitations Caused By ‘Super Moon’ Strangely Fewer Than Anticipated

Britain’s emergency services reported with relief that the number of cases of spontaneous levitation reported during last night’s ‘super moon’ event turned out to be rather lower than predicted.

“In fact, there weren’t any,” said a spokesman. “Neither did the moon’s slightly closer proximity result in enhanced strength, X-ray vision, ESP, involuntary carnivorous transformations or supermenstruation. Somehow, it seems we have all managed to come through this deeply mysterious event without supernatural enhancement.”

There's no rational explanation for this

The moon’s orbit has a slight eccentricity, which brings it 0.3% closer to our planet roughly every 20 years. People with more than a slight eccentricity cite the fact that nobody was there to see what started this prehistoric wobble as clear evidence of benevolent non-human intervention. They also state that, since the mass of the moon is nearly enough to suck the oceans of the earth into space, its abnormal nearness must therefore generate super-abilities in particularly wet specimens of the self-propelled bags of water known as the human race.

“I dropped science for pottery at the age of 14, because education is a state conspiracy to program unquestioning obedience into children,” said Starchild Moonflower, a windchime tuner from Aveton Gifford. “After entering a state of spiritual receptivity with the aid of twelve pints of spingo, my spirit guide Tigger told me that the earth mother has drawn her moon lover to her breast so her children will receive the secret wisdom of the universe, i.e. the American, French and British governments absolutely caused the Japanese earthquake with all their H-bomb tests fifty years ago, the bastards.”

Ms Moonflower also claims to have had a sublime out-of-body experience during her astral travels, having woken up outside her yurt at 4am with her pants filled with what she angrily insists is ectoplasm.