Tonight’s Eurovision Contestants In Full

FINLAND

 JULIET BRAVO (real name: Axel Griis)
Blib Blib Blob






  

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA

DINO MARTIN (deceased)
We Still Use Cassettes





DENMARK

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
Please Give Us 12 Points






LITHUANIA

BRANGELINA SAŠENKO
C’est Ma Vie (©1984 Parle Parle)






  

HUNGARY

KATI BITCH
It’s All About Me








IRELAND

JEDWARD THE CONFESSOR
Dipstick




 

SWEDEN

ERIK SAD
Unpopular











ESTONIA

GETOUT JANNER
Union Street








GREECE

LUKE YORK feat. KYTV’s MIKE FLEX
Never Mind The Song, Watch My Dance









RUSSIA

VLADIMIR PUTIN
Smell You








FRANCE

 AMOUR VASELINE
Signu Sognu











ITALY

SILVIO BERLUSCONI
Madness Of Loving An Underage Prostitute








SWITZERLAND

ANNA TOSSAROONI
In Charts For A While (1 week - Switzerland only)











UNITED KINGDOM

 BLOB THE BUILDER
Can We Win It? No We Can’t











MOLDIVER

ZXCVBNM
No Lucky











GERMANY

LENA
99 Luftballons








ROMANIA

HOTEL 198KHz
Change To Long Wave For More Cricket








AUSTRIA

NADINE BELLOWER
The Secret Is [REDACTED]








AZERBAIJAN (property of Aliyev family)

 KINELL
Running Scared Of Going Home Unless We Win







SLOVENIA

MAJA KEUCKUP
No Points








ICELAND

NORMANNI NO-FRIENDS
Coming Home Empty-Handed






SPAIN

LUCÍA PARROT
Que Me Quiten Lo Pis (They Can Take The Piss Out Of Me)






UKRAINE

 MIKA EINSTEIN
 Charlie’s Angel











SERBIA

NINA
99 Luftballons (You’ve done this one already - Ed.)











GEORGIA

 ANDREW ELDRITCH (ret’d.)
You Could Be The One More Day

UK Bravely Picks Goodies For Eurovision

The Goodies have already set out for Germany

Nul-points specialist Britain has bravely broken with tradition, by picking an established chart-topping act for its 2011 Eurovision Song Contest entry.

The Goodies - who recently staged a schedule-filling comeback on BBC2 over the Christmas period - claim to have written their own song for the competition, but say they are keeping it a closely-guarded secret until the contest begins. When asked if it involved a gibbon, however, Tim Brooke-Taylor said “Yes” while Graeme Garden said “No” and hit him; both then vigorously denied any gibbon-related content.

“Ooooooooooooo,” commented a strangely hairy Graham Norton, after being shown a picture of a banana.

“The Goodies may be a bit past our hit-making prime,” commented 1970s heart-throb Bill Oddie, speaking very quietly from a canvas hide in the Cricklewood Bird Sanctuary. “But surely it has to be in our favour that we do anything, anytime – unlike previous entries, who do fuck all every time.”

The BBC later apologised.

Greece Fails In Bid To Be More Unpopular Than UK

Notwithstanding its valiant efforts to single-handedly bring down the entire eurozone and hurl the entire world back into the darkest depths of global recession, Greece failed last night to knock the UK off the top spot of Most Hated Country in the Europe’s Got No Talent song contest.

“Greece’s entry was as hateful as they could possibly make it,” said some tragic cloth-eared gimp who claimed to be an expert at this sort of thing. “The costumes that Georgios Alcoholios and Fuckbuddies wore were straight out of some camp travesty of Saturday Night Fever as it might be reimagined by Baz Luhrmann, just as the rules specify. As for the song itself, its infantile melody sticks in the memory like an evil brain-parasite, and its numbly anodyne lyrics were straight out of the International Business English dictionary.”

“Unfortunately for the Greeks, however, it’s impossible to ignore the unsurpassable loathsomeness of Great Britain in the eyes of the rest of the world,” he added. “Just as the hate factor for compliantly kicking off two unwinnable wars just to please George Dubya Bush was beginning to wear off, the rapacious thieving bastards of your notorious Square Mile ushered in the most devastating global economic meltdown since World War 2. That knocked four contenders right out of the contest before it even began – thanks to you, there isn’t a soul in Hungary, the Czech Republic, Montenegro or Andorra who was able to scrape together the cash for a train ticket to Oslo.”

Not content to rest on those laurels however, 8-year-old Josh Dubovine’s impassioned rending of “Any Old Shit Sounds Good To Me” came to the contest backed with the curse of 80s refugees Pete Waterman and Mike Stock, who are directly responsible for kicking off the irreversible downward spiral in popular taste that has brought the UK to a dark place where millions now sincerely believe that characterless vomit-streams of saccharine notes – which even Jimmy Young in his heyday would have considered too insipid to play on his Prog – are actually valid songs.

Needless to say, then, Greece’s hopes of achieving the coveted bottom spot were cruelly shattered as the British noise comfortably romped home with ten points.

Losers of the contest were Germany, whose 7-year-old representative Lena faces almost certain lynching when she returns home after securing an unwelcome 246 points - ensuring that Germany will be bankrupted back to the stone age by the ruinous cost of staging next year’s pointless extravaganza.

Shock Win For A Western Nation in Eurovision Cost Contest

In a complete break with recent history, the Eurovision Cost Contest has been won by Norway - a country which has never, as far as anyone can tell, been Russia, occupied by Russia or even slightly dominated by Russia.

The contest was won by Alexander Ryvita, a 5-year-old singer, violinist and bed-wetter born in Russia, who melted the hearts of people who like that sort of thing with his enormous eyebrows, stage-prop violin and security blanket as he wailed meaninglessly to the thudding 2/2 beat of a Russian folk dirge.

"We can't understand it," said a puzzled Eurovision spokesman after the results were announced. "What normally happens is that the tiny nations, city states and independent villages of Eastern Europe ring Vladimir Putin, who tells them whether they have been granted permission to vote for their sworn enemies next door, otherwise they just vote for Russia as per usual."

Seasoned Eurovision observers, however, say the win by Norway is simply Europe's way of dumping the now-ruinous cost of the contest on the country they would most like to see bankrupted by the senselessly lavish extravaganza - but Iceland and Britain managed to split the vote, accidentally leaving poor innocent Norway saddled with the unwanted event.

Faced with national economic ruin in twelve months' time, Norway has put on a brave face, suggesting the remote Arctic island of Spitsbergen would make an ideal venue for the contest.

"Perhaps we can gain some consolation from the possibility that Andrew Lloyd Webber and Graham Norton might well be relentlessly stalked and eaten by ravenous polar bears live on worldwide television," said Norway's white-faced prime minister, Jens Stoltenberg. "If that happens, we might at least recoup some money from repeat fees for years to come."

Lord Wogan Abdicates Eurovision Throne

The BBC has ended months of speculation by announcing that, after 35 years in the role, the revered Lord Wogan has decided to end his reign as silly-commentator for the Eurovision Song Contest. His place (and sherry) will be taken by Graham Norton, another irritating Irishman well past his sell-by date.

“According to a little-known rule of the European Broadcasting Union, the UK’s commentator must come from Ireland,” said a BBC spokesman. “Sadly, that puts Nick Griffin of the BNP out of the running. Don’t be too upset, though - the same rules mean that eleven other countries must have British commentators moaning about the entries, the hosts, the sets, and the voting system. For example, the considered opinions of art critic Brian Sewell have the Russians crying with laughter, while Germany ponders the uproarious wit of Basil Brush, Serbia respects the brutal authority of glaring slaphead Ross Kemp and Israel is just plain baffled by Mark Lawrenson. Meanwhile, the French get Jeremy Paxman, and serve them right.”

Vulgar camp stereotype Norton had to beat off stiff competition from other Irish funny-men to grab the proud post, however.

“Dylan Moran was ruled out at an early stage, as his brand of nihilistic despair might lead particularly grief-stricken viewers to commit suicide,” explained the spokesman, "And while Dara O’Briain’s whimsical sarcasm might fit well, many of our older viewers tend to confuse him with Uncle Fester from the Addams Family. Conversely, thanks to his starring role in My Hero, Ardal O’Hanlon is a firm favourite with that age group - but millions of Father Ted fans would like to kill him, for the same reason. And anyway, he’s already been hired by Lithuania.”

Easily-pleased, cloth-eared Eurovision addicts are already bouncing up and down with glee in anticipation of next year’s contest, leading to record advance sales of tranquilisers in the residential care sector.

Meanwhile, Lord Wogan issued a statement calling for “a bloody good war“.

Putin Pledges Personal Vote For British Troll Dirge

Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister and former head of the KGB, has pledged his personal vote for Britain’s still-to-be-written entry to next year’s Eurovision Song Contest, after Andrew Lloyd-Webber travelled to Russia to find out why Britain’s entries have fared so badly.

“Ghastly, arse-faced English lord appear without warning at breakfast table in Kremlin,” said the fearless, tiger-shooting hard man of post-Soviet politics. “I scream, I throw bowl of Frosties but he not go away. He ask me, ‘Why nobody like me, I mean us, oh great bear of Russia?’ I realise he just big, soft girly-man. Ice of Putin’s heart melt away like winter snows. I give warm but manly hug. I tell him that I, Putin, send SMS vote for British troll-friends next time for sure. He go away ugly but happy. Putin eat Frosties.”

“Some may say that one man’s vote will not make a great deal of difference to the international voting,” grunted Lord Lloyd-Webber from his luxury sewer. “But Mr Putin explained to me that his vote is like his gas. If he passes gas in our direction, all of Russia sends its gas to Britain too. In fact, he treated me to a demonstration of the potency of his gas, which was quite a memorable experience. I shall probably write it into my next musical. I think it was in the key of A#.”

“I’m happy to say that, from now on, politics will no longer play any part in the Eurovision voting,” he added.

Lloyd Webber To Cobble Together Eurovision Song From CD Collection

Middle England’s favourite troll, Andrew Lloyd Webber, is to write the UK’s entry for the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest, in a futile attempt to reverse the current trend of eastern European countries with a combined population of 30 voting for each other and Russia.

“Eurovision has been dominated by derivative, wailing dirges for years now,” said the misshapen composer, as he took delivery of another truckload of BBC licence-payers’ money, “And that’s my home territory. I’ll just sample some Pink Floyd, Puccini and Mozart into the computer, splice it all together with Ableton and hey presto - douze points all round for dear old Blighty.”

Mr Lloyd Webber added that he would also be involved in choosing which talentless howler will have the dubious honour of belting out his opus, and expressed the hope that once again the BBC would divert another massive chunk of the licence fee into doing his auditions for him.

A spokesman for the BBC told the Nev Filter: “What this country really needs right now is a boost, like winning the Eurovision Song Contest and forking out several hundred million to host the next one.”

Meanwhile, ‘Sir’ Terry Wogan expressed the hope that next year would finally see an end to dirty foreigners sneakily voting for their neighbours - a low, underhand tactic that Britain and Ireland would never stoop to.