PM’s Bold Plan To Give Your Library To The WI Set To Change The Landscape Of Britain Forever

Remember, this specky bitch gets paid out of your council tax

Prime minister David Cameron today unveiled his ground-breaking plan to take your useless library away from the council and give it to the Women’s Institute, in a bold plan which will drastically transform the lives of every man, woman and child in Britain in ways we cannot even begin to imagine.

“That your little local library is utterly at the mercy of wastrel librarians in the pay of your wicked, wicked council is a crime against humanity which shames us all,” he announced, to wild cheers from government and opposition benches alike. “Librarians who, it behoves me to add, deliberately wear glasses to look brainier than you, and in broad daylight.”

“Decades of their smarty-panted mismanagement have filled the shelves with all manner of crap that you really don’t want to read,” he warned a shocked nation. “If you don’t believe me, I urge you to work up the courage to step inside a library for the first time in your lives and see for yourselves that the boring non-fiction section has ten times as many books as the bit where you’ll find Catherine Cookson, Danielle Steel, Andy McNab and the Harry Potter series, which are the only books anyone will ever need.”

“Would you believe it, they have an entire section dedicated to politics!” he scoffed. “Now nobody in their right mind would touch that nonsense with a barge pole - yet there it is, bold as brass, staring you in the face and daring you to read it. But don’t worry, I’ve had a word with the WI and they’re quite happy to throw all that dull non-fiction rubbish onto a nice big bonfire, and put in a nice cream tea restaurant instead.”

Big Society Volunteer Hit With Big Society Stick

Lord Wei of Shoreditch, an ungrateful volunteer from an ethnic minority who had the gall to suggest that he’d rather do a proper job and earn some money, has been slapped down and told to keep slaving away for nothing on a worthless government scheme.

Stop whining and get back to that photocopier, Santa

Since last year, the feckless workshy has been putting in two days a week working on the government’s flagship ‘Big Society’ programme.

“It’s never-ending,” complained the sweating Tory peer, slaving over an ailing photocopier in a dusty room in Westminster. “To add insult to injury, I actually have to work overtime to churn out reams and reams of this guff that nobody is ever going to read. I’m a skilled management consultant, for God’s sake - if I’d known this non-job was going to be so mind-numbingly dull, I’d have held out for something more suitable.”

A Cabinet Office spokesman pointed out, however, that Lord Wei had been given a valuable opportunity to make a difference.

“Lord Wei should remember that we paid for some lovely new robes for him,” he explained crossly. “They’ve improved his employment prospects considerably. He’ll certainly stand out from the shabby hordes in his natty ermine threads, when the chain stores start recruiting Santas again next October. Until then, he should bloody well be thanking us for giving him the chance to hold his head up with pride and say at least he’s making some sort of contribution to society.”

“Even if it is a bit pointless,” he conceded.