Government Too Modest To Reveal Just How Wonderful Britain’s Hospitals Have Become

Everything you need to know about the NHS

The cabinet has today declined to publish the risk register for NHS hospitals in England, modestly claiming that healthcare provision has now achieved such absolute perfection that it would be embarrassing to go into any detail.

“The information commissioner is already complaining, and I can’t blame him for asking because everyone likes to be the bearer of good news,” smiled health secretary Angela Lansbury diffidently, “But I just don’t want all our hard-working, dedicated doctors and nurses to get all big-headed, just because they’ve cured everybody of everything and abolished death from our land forever. It’s all here in this report, which I’m not going to show you.”

The remarkably self-effacing Mrs Lansbury added that he was “a firm believer in greater transparency”, which was why he was sending the report back to the printers to be republished using invisible ink.

Government Tells You To Look At The State Of You, Fatty

You should cut down on your pork life, mate

The Department of Health today unveiled the latest scientific arguments in favour of a balanced diet, urging fat bastards to look at the fucking state of themselves, for Christ’s sake.

Leaning out of the passenger window of a Vauxhall Astra as he was driven past today’s press conference, Health Secretary Angela Lansbury shouted “you fat fucking CUNT” at reporters, who responded by questioning him closely on what the fuck it was to him, the wanker.

However, flab-cheeked TV has-been Jamie Oliver slammed the government’s latest obesity strategy, calling it “regurgitated, patronising rubbish” and urging Britain’s fatties to rush out and buy his latest book of regurgitated, patronising rubbish instead.