Government To Offer Crime Victims Crisp New Fiver

The government today generously offered victims of crime as much as a fiver to help them rebuild their lives, promising that a whopping £30m would be put into a fund over the next three years to support those most seriously affected, including witnesses.

Or you could treat yourself to a nice cigar, of course

Charities and voluntary organisations say they are expecting bumper numbers of rape victims, for example, to rent out a copy of ‘Thelma And Louise’ with their fiver, which will help them tremendously as they struggle to work out their confidence issues and regain their sense of empowerment.

“Yes, I know, I’m all heart,” beamed Justice Secretary Ken Clarke, as he put the first of several brand new fivers into the pot. “People ask me how we can possibly afford to fling such vast sums of money around, what with this recession some people think they’re having, but isn’t it important that the victims of serious crime have access to the best emotional and practical support that five quid can buy?”

“All the more so, of course, since there are going to be an awful lot more criminals strolling about once my shake-out of the prison service starts to kick in,” he chortled sagely.

The BBC later apologised.