Monday 1 June 2009

'What's That About Vauxhall?' Say Slightly Preoccupied Ministers

After being repeatedly prodded with sticks, Government ministers reluctantly put down their magnifying glasses and turned away from examining their expense claims for thirty seconds to express their full support for whatever deal the German government had done with Canadian car spares firm Magna over the future of General Motors' Europe division.

5,000 Vauxhall and Bedford workers have expressed some concern that the German government's £1.3bn loan to Magna may have strings attached in favour of the 25,000 Germans who work for the stricken US manufacturer's Opel subsidiary.

"I'm sure the German government's number one priority was to safeguard the jobs of British car workers at Ford," said Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "Sorry, Vauxhall. Whatever."

"Anyone know the rules on Capital Gains Tax exemptions?" he added.

Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary, went on the BBC's Politics Show yesterday to reassure worried British workers that, as an unelected member of the cabinet and the House of Lords, he is immune from threats of deselection when it is his turn to be caught fiddling his expenses.

"Let me just say - and I think it's very important to remember the essential facts - that my past record speaks for itself," he said. "I am not worried - not worried in the slightest - about being exposed as a shameless, greedy, self-serving swine. What you must remember is that I'm already well-known for being a shameless, greedy, self-serving swine. But that's not the issue here. What you have to remember is that I'm not an MP, I'm a Lord. You can't get rid of old Mandy so easily, you know."

When asked what the future might hold for the beleaguered British car industry, Lord Mandelson said: "I should imagine that the chavs will just have to get used to burning around the streets in Opels."

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